Everything is open, nothing is set in stone.

It can be frustrating when there are no answers. No rhyme or reason, no direction. 

I guess all we can have is hope for our tomorrows, that one of them will be better, holding on to the knowledge that we are loved.

It takes some cold to make the sun.

I'm stuck in a place where I don't know my mind.
Torn between fight and flight.
I should fight, I want to fight,
but,
I'm tired.
Tired of long nights and seemingly never ending darkness,
of the unstoppable circle that I can't break out of.
My body and my mind are just too tired to keep fighting.
It's too hard.
I don't know what to do.

All tangled up in my own expectations

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." (The Holiday)


One day.

Sun rises. Night falls.

Sometimes the sky calls.

Alone in this world so bright.

Sometimes, I don't know how to get through the days.

The sounds of the street amplified in my empty room.
The banging, the bustling, the laughter, the shouts; all so loud.
They mock the emptiness in my soul, dancing round my heartless void.

Throw me a rope, to hold me in place.

Sometimes, I don't know how to get through the days, without you.
Everything's easier when you're beside me.

Everything's easier when you hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay.
I really believed you.
Now I don't know what to believe.

Sometimes, I don't know how to get through the days, when all they bring is night.
So throw me a rope, to hold me in place.

I've held so many people in my suitcase heart.

This is where the whole world keeps on turning, this is where we come undone.

I disappeared, it was a self preservation thing but it didn't work.
I'm still spiraling.
I wish there was someone to catch my fall.

Every minute takes forever, every hour disappears. I'm lost in a land I don't want to call home.

This is where the whole world keeps on turning, this is where we come undone.

You are beautiful.

I'm going away again, this time I'm going to sing.
I hope it will add some kindling to my burt out soul.
Thank you for your love, I love you all.
<3

The night is as the day.

It's times like these, late at night, that I start to feel the weight of the world crushing down on me again.
The panic sets in and sleep walks out on me leaving me alone with myself.

Mark 5:41

I do not want to let this darkness cover me but I am not strong enough to fight these dragons alone.

I'm scared.

I'm always scared.

Selfish dreams and selfless deeds

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune - without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

~ Hope by Emily Dickinson

Make The Nightmares Fade by AlexSilent

Time is moving faster,

swirling round my head.

Sometimes it feels like 

it might just - let - go.

And yet the cogs keep turning, 

the seasons swift to change.

Day to night and day again, 

simple - clockwork - lost.

The people struggle to walk, 

against the chilling wind.

Forgetting about the present,

Just past - future - pain.

We're missing all the beauty, every day just fades away.

Dear You.

(A post because of Tywo)

Dear You,
The thought of You injured today froze my blood.
I never want You to be hurting, I care too much.
It's crazy what I feel about You.
You are the strongest person I have ever known, and for that, I will always love You.
It is the most painful thing I have ever done but I can't get away from it.
I want You to be happy, if being friends makes You happy then I will tie an anchor to my feelings and loose them under the ocean. You mean more to me than I thought was possible.
You give me so much to be thankful for.
For the memories, all the amazing memories. Of mountains and plains, joy and even sadness.
The time we talked all night then climbed Arthur's Seat for the sunrise, and the time we made love in the African bush.
For the times You held me for hours and told me it was all going to be okay.
For the love that we shared and the joy that it brought.
We may have had more than our fair share of pain but I don't regret what we shared.
I wish You all the happiness in the world.
Always Yours,
Heather.

Now to pass it on - sweet pea, helloxbeautiful, Melee, Peridot, I ask you to write a letter to whoever about whatever. It must begin with "Dear you" and you can only use pronouns.

Descending into Chaos.

The streets of our cities are bubbling with riots and unrest.
All they tell us is how it will be damaging our image for the 2012 olympics, how the teenagers should all be locked up because they're ruining it for everyone, how unfortunate the timing of the riots is.
Well fuck them!

Why does noone seem to care why people are rioting? Why don't they think about how we can help them, and feel compassion for them and angry at the hurt our society causes for so many vulnerable people.
We need more hope in this world.
Without hope, happy memories to recall, or self respect, we have nothing.
Think about how many times in a day you have little flashbacks to something better than right now, or of a glimmer of hope for the future. Now imagine a life without these and it's easy to see why some feel the need to escape with drugs or violence.

I'd like to challenge you to make someone's life a little happier tomorrow.

Smile at everyone you see; invite the lonely guy from down the road up for a cuppa; leave a nice note for the cleaners at work; leave your old books on the train; make a stranger laugh.

It doesn't matter what you do, the simplest gestures can make the biggest difference.

While I was at lunch the other day, this was left on my desk :

I couldn't stop grinning for the rest of the day.

You can make a difference.

I've been away.

I'm going back.
I'm going to a place of magic and dreams where I can write my soul on paper and breathe the fresh air.
I love you all very much and I shall be back.

This is where I'm going - the Isle of Iona

Magrit's house - Iona Abby

I long for you, to keep my hope from dying.

Psalm 22, arrangement by the psalm project.

I got myself in this mess.
I do it to myself.
I need rescuing, but it has to be me that rescues.
I know I can't do this alone, but is it enough to believe that He is by my side?

Summer rain, dripping down your face again.

Summer rain, praying someone feels the same.

Take the pain, killer, cycle on your bicycle

Leave all this misery behind.

I'm crumpling under this weight; 

the pressure of the world bearing heavy on my chest.

How can it be, that young hearts tear with such 

alarming 

ease?

Naive, I believed youth to be characerised by elasticity, 

but these efforts of the living are little more than the beat of a wing against the 

weight 

of 

time. 

Our eyes are old before their time - 

no longer shining with innocent wonder but 

blackened 

by the pain of living. 

Alas, we say, just one more day, 

broken souls and weary limbs. 

Functioning 

minute 

by

 minute, 

hour by hour

 because it's the only way we know 

how to 

keep 

going.

Lets stop talking about it.

We (I) spend too much time talking about things, whining, self depreciating.
I want to thank sweet pea for inspiring me to keep going right now.
I hit my head off rock bottom and I'm continuing to fall but do you know what? It's okay.
I'm going to accept it.
I need to look myself in the mirror and say, yes, you fucked up, now deal with it like an adult.
Tomorrow is Monday, a new day, a new week, a fresh start.

Monday will be a good day if we tell ourselves it will be.

I have been thinking about my faith recently, and how much I take it for granted.
Though I was baptised and became a Christian as an adult, it seems like forever ago that I was aware of the active choice this was. It's not the easy way out. It requires the strength to love the people who hurt me the most that seems beyond me at points. It also requires me to be able to forgive and love myself. That's the one I want to work on daily. I'm not entirely sure how yet. It's a work in progress.

All my thoughts entwine in my mind to produce a beautiful, complex highway of noise that fails to come across eloquently when I set about trying to pave them in words.

It's like swings and roundabouts.

Hope.

noun

grounds for believing that something good may happen

he does see some hope for the future

We must fill ourselves with the believe that something good will come of this.
That we are truly amazing.
Because if we don't, what else is there?
If we can't believe that there is hope for the future then what is the point in getting up in the morning.
I keep getting up, so I must have hope.
What I feel as though I'm lacking, is passion.
They say that the saddest people you'll ever meet in life are those without a passion for anything. Without passion, any happiness felt will always be short lived as there is nothing to carry it, nothing to hold on to.
I used to have a passion, but somewhere along the way I lost sight of it.
My goals are immediate now, I cannot see the bigger picture.
I have become superficial and self-centered.
I despise the person I have become.
Where is my spark?
I dulled it, wanting to shield it from more pain but in doing so, I've become a shell of a person.
My thoughts are jumbled, my heartbeat quick.

Like four seasons in one day.

Despair

noun

the complete loss or absence of hope

You travel here, and you travel there, trying to get out from under the cloud, and nothing works, and then, one day you realise you've been carrying the weather around with you.

Yesterday morning, this was my road. Now it is my river.

We're breaking and rebuilding, and we're growing.
I need to know that we really are growing.
I need to know that this is worth it.
I need to know a reason why.
Sink or swim, tell me which.
I'm only human.

Running on adrenalin, walking on air.

euphoric

adjective

characterized by or feeling intense excitement and happiness:

a euphoric sense of freedom

It was the perfect weekend.

And it would have been all the better if I was spending it with you.
But alas, no.
Still, it was beautiful.
Today I went to the BEACH.
It was beautiful.
We swam, we sunbathed, we drank juice.
Bronzed. Gleeful.

I'm still on the drugs, three more weeks she said.
It's okay. It won't be long now.


This sun is melting my icy soul. I laugh. Not like I used to, but I will. I will laugh 'til I cry and I will cry 'til I laugh. It might not be tomorrow, next week or next month, but I will. I know it. We'll all be okay, one day.

I'm gonna do it all, someday

I've shared this song before but I need the motivation so I'm sharing it again.
It doesn't matter that I'm stuck in a rut because I'm gonna do it all someday.
I'm gonna climb right over that old mountain
I'm gonna shout in a place where noone hears me shoutin'
I'm gonna swear so loud,
I'll strip the silver lining from a cloud!
I'm gonna do it all someday.

Tomorrow is the First of July.
New month, new plan. Revitalization, fresh motivation.
We have to take steps in creating our own happiness while not forgetting to keep living.
This just seems so challenging.
Tomorrow I will come off these darn drugs, my emotions will no longer be regulated by medication, I will feel again. I am excited and scared.
I am working full-time during July, I'll be able to make plans and stick to them, have a forced structure on my days again. How I've missed that.

I am just rambling. I am not here, in this moment. I am far away. My heart with a boy who cannot be mine, my soul floating somewhere outside myself. Don't let your heart get heavy, child, inside you there's a strength that lies.

The years go on and we're still fighting it.

Loves,
For days now the sky has been entwined with grey.
A huge, dark monster hanging over my being.
You could not walk through it's mist without being suffocated and drained of all joy.
Now though, now the sun has come out.
The sky is rich with blue and the trees wave to their old friend.
I hate living this far north.
If Edinburgh wasn't so pretty I would have moved long ago.
But how can you not love a place where even on the darkest of days you can walk to the corner of your street and look up and see the castle, looming over the city, a great, dark emblem of protection.
How can you not love a place with seven hills that dance in the darkness, silent and spectacular.
An old friend.
You forgive her dreich demeanor because of all the beauty and charm hidden within.
A place where we call home.

Calton Hill

Edinburgh Castle

If I wrote a note to God...

Grant us the faith to carry on,
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone,
'cause it seems like so much is going wrong,
On this road we're on.

I want you to believe that you are worth so much more than this.

I want to believe in me. 

Carefree.

Happy.

Blowing bubbles in the sun.

Oh what became of those lazy summer days?

I put it in a box, in a cage.

I thought keeping it close was the right thing to do.

Then I realised, I want to be free.

"And they went on as though everything had happened."

How can we keep going, knowing what has been?
The only thing that keeps me going is the not knowing. Not knowing what is ahead, what has become of you, what cannot be.

I used to love math.
I loved math because I understood it. It was the same everywhere, complex yet comprehendible.
Now,
now I love people.

I love people because they are so impossible to understand.
I love people because they are complex. Because the brush strokes that make up your complexion are not just black and white but a multitude of colours that fade into all the emotions under the sun. All that is within and ahead. I am both in awe of, and haunted by, the human race. How can there be so much beauty and so much agony, living side by side, both one and the same. The beauty in a crying soul and the devastation in its sadness. The rippling of the river, the carving of the rock. New beginnings and new endings go hand by hand, inhaling the madness.

What do you do when you're faced with such incongruities?
One must go on, as though everything had happened.

I'm sorry I have not been around, I guess I've just been swept under by the rapids where once flowed a burn. I'm trying to keep my head above water, I promise. I'm learning how to swim again. 

Somehow

Somehow, just knowing makes things easier.
Knowing you don't share my hope, makes it easier to stay the same.
Somehow, knowing that you are here, makes me want to go on.
I want to thank each one of you, from the bottom of my heart.

Cinnamon Brown, the sweetie that she is, asked me to write a poem about Humming Birds.
How did you know how much beauty I saw in them? The thing that amazes me most about them is their ability to fly backwards. I think they are the only type of birds to do so. We take it for granted that we can move back and forth, easy, but they are a marvel to the bird world. They can also hover. I am not being very articulate here but basically I think they are cool.

I'd like to share with you one of Emily Dickingson's poems entitled 'Hummingbird':

A Route of Evanescence

With a revolving Wheel -

A Resonance of Emerald -

A Rush of Cochineal,

And every Blossom on the Bush

Adjusts its tumbled Head.

The Mail from Tunis, probably,

An easy Morning's ride.

We don't get hummingbirds hear. I guess it's too cold.

They are beautiful though.

I am afraid I have no poems for you. I don't know how it would start.

I see this picture in my head, but I cannot translate it into words. 

In my head, the hummingbird is not darting about, flying backward and forth, hovering at a flower. 

This hummingbird is tried.

I wonder what it's thinking

Was it lost? where'd it been?

Sweet scented roses far and near, 

A valley lost in fear.

I'm sorry I've been so moany. My mind is just so scattered. I have gone two days without binding now, I feel more in control, more real, more acceptable. I went home, none of my clothes fit. I hate myself for that. But I cannot just beat myself up for things. Nothing good comes from that. I must keep working. One day at a time. Plowing on. It will be okay in the end. <3

Softly now, you owe it to yourself.

Oh loves, what to do?
Is it a game of chance?
Or merely circumstances?
This world, it won't wait for you
it's got its own things to do.
The suns going to rise and push another night away.

Lost.
Inside my head.
Silenced by silence.

I feel like I've lost all things; all parts of me I held dear.
I miss you. I miss you more than words can say.
The space where you used to be - a wild valley that cannot be filled.
Is it naive to think that things have changed?
That we could have a chance at our own happiness?
You and me were meant to be, how has it come to this?

I'd write my soul down for you to see,
but these words all seem insignificant.
How can I tell you everything you need to know when all I have are these ugly, impatient words?

Self-Sabotage

It's all I'm good at.

Every day I knock myself down.

I play a game with myself.

A childish glee 

in watching everything go wrong and thinking, 

'hey, I caused that'.

At least there's one thing I'm good at - 

ruining my own life.

I much preferred when self-harm rather than self-sabotage was my crutch.

It was so much more satisfying at the time.

It too has left its mark.

I'm left wondering.

Confused by this loneliness.

This is it.

But what the hell is this?

A life of unknown,

A Russian Roulette, 

A bluff to see what's next?

I don't mean to run from what has been,

I want to live in the here and now.

But every day I fight a battle against myself.

I am my own worst enemy.

Summer Sun

Is back again; it's light radiating in my loneliness.

"If you can't discover what's keeping you in, the will to get out soon becomes confused and ineffectual."

From Ismael by Daniel Quinn

My heart is beating too fast, it's trying to keep up with the world but the world just keeps getting faster. My weary body just looks on in despair. 

I feel a lump in my throat, a tightness pressing on my chest.

I can't breathe. 

I don't know how to live,

I don't know who I am without him.

I never made it to Morocco, there was too much ash in the sky. 

I never got the time to go and sip diet coke at the poolside and make some new friends.

I feel like now, I'm mourning that loss. Insignificant as it may be.

It's the post-birthday slump. Where I realize how much effort every day is.

I feel disgusting. I listen to my thoughts, the ones that tell me I'm fat, ugly, worthless, lonely.

I need to step out of my thoughts. They are not me; my thoughts do not define me as a whole being. 

All I want to do is run.

All I want to be is in his arms in the sun in control.

Easy, right? 

Au Revoir

Such wise, kind words my loves. Thank you.
I am off to Morocco this evening, providing the giant ash cloud is not too thick.
I'll be back in a week,
Au revoir - till next time
<3

All you need is love?

Love After Love

The time will come 

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror. 

Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott

Is there such a thing 

as happiness?

I look around me, 

and all I see is pain.

Can we be, 

for more than just a moment, 

free?

Free to smile, 

and free to breathe;

free to please, 

and free to leave?

Must we live

all our life,

indebted to another?

Is there such a thing

as happiness,

as joy for you an me?

But shattered pieces 

is all we have,

no joy, no faith

no hope

Is hope for tomorrow, 

the next hour, 

minute,

the same as hope for 

a peaceful life?

If I have faith I can get through tomorrow,

will the next not be so bad?

One is quick to count the ways one loathes this self, pick out the flaws, the imperfections, the failings; but do you every stop to think of yourself as "the stranger who has loved you all your life"? I am definitely a stranger to myself. He knew me better than I know myself, but what use is that? Greet yourself, date yourself! (in a non-creepy fashion of course...) 

Oh loves. How can I believe that I love someone so dearly when I cannot show myself that same love? Does it negate the outward emotion? Is it valueless without self-love? I have so many questions. I just wish there were answers. 

Dreams?

It's too loud, I can't hear my heart.

I feel like a yo-yo - up, down, up and down again.

Every day it's back to square one and I just can't find the energy to change.

A glimmer of inspiration, a flash of hope, but nothing more. 

It's gone too easy.

And I'm left,

Alone. 

I want to be an adventurer but I don't know what my dreams are.

How am I supposed to carve my own future when I can't get my head around the present? 

You are all too kind to me. 

But I don't know how to go on. 

Have you ever caught yourself hoping, every time you walk into the road, that a car, or better still, a truck, will come around the bend too fast for you to have seen it? A tragic accident to fix your scattered soul. I don't want to die, I just don't know how to live.

Stop it stop it stop it.

The world won't stop spinning.
Not for me, not for anyone.
I need to jump, I need to live.
Stop letting it turn without me.

So get up, get out,
Open your eyes.
Let it all in and let it all out.
Pick up your feet,
Start finding your beat.
The rhythm of your heart,
Meets the rhythm of your feet

"But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there."

Rain is bleeding down this windowpane.

Sky is washed eternal grey.
But it's okay, it's okay yeah.
Give me a hot cup of coffee and a good book in my hand, let me stay here.
Today does not agree with me I hope you understand, I'm gonna stay here.
The world outside is just all rush and war.
Chaos makes me hide away.
And time is leaving me behind now
But it's okay, it's okay yeah.

Joy and gladness.
Pain and sadness.
It's the rain.
And the food.
I went for lunch at my friend's house, I brought soup and instead of both sharing that, we swapped - she gave me some that she'd made yesterday and she ate mine. Its made me freak out, get mad, and sad. Completely unjustified.

Need to find some motivation, you got any spare?
<3

Oh to breathe again...

I'm done. Finished 2nd year. Finally.
I've chosen my courses for honours.
Hopefully I'll have passed these exams and will sail on into next year.
It should feel better than this.
My chest is tight, I cannot breathe properly.
I am anxious.
For what?
I do not know.
What happens next?
Summer.
Shorts.
Bikinis.
Stress.
I need to get through today without bingeing. Then maybe I can get through tomorrow as well.
I am consumed by consumption.
It feels so safe.
Why do I still feel out of control?
I want him back. But how?
Why? What needs to change?
Things have changed. I'm different.
Would he take me back?
Has he moved on?

Step number one: Love myself.
I need to believe that I'm worth something.
I need to forgive myself for not believing it.
Care to join me?

Sixty-six percent.

Oh loves, the end is in sight.
Two exams down, one to go.
Eleven days until I visit Cinamon Brown's continent.
I will play in the sunshine, soon.
Sweet Haze featured me in her blog.
I can't express how much this means to me, how much this community, and all of you mean to me.
It's all just magical. I love looking at all the different countries represented by my readers, imagine how my life would be different if I lived nearer to you all; but then it wouldn't be so magical, would it?

I wanted to smile again, I wanted to live. I wanted to dance again; sing my own songs, without you telling me that I got it all wrong.

I'm better off alone, but now I'm better, I want you back.
He trapped me, stunted my growth, but he did it with the best of intention.
I'm a girl who wants too much, who always wants what she doesn't have and then gets too complacent with it all; doesn't appreciate it. I get bored too easily.
I also have no idea what I want; what's real and what's make believe.
Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? Wouldn't you think, I'm the girl, the girl who has everything?

<3 Thanks for being here.


If those of you of the praying persuasion could pray for my friend and his fiance, C, that would be greatly appreciated. C's been in hospital for 3 months now, and was meant to be getting an operation tomorrow to help her stomach learn to eat again but she's taken a turn for the worst and it won't be able to go ahead. She had a seizure-like episode, keeps passing out, and has no feeling down one side. They hope it's just a reaction to new medication but they don't know. Her and my friend got engaged in February and since then she's only been out of hospital for a week. He's so scared. She needs the operation to get better, but she's too weak to have it; she's going back on the waiting list now but it could be months before she gets another slot. He's trying to stay positive but there's just so much uncertainty. 

My home.

Rob Ryan.

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home

I never stick around quite long enough to make it...

It was in your arms. Nowhere else.

I've always thought

that I would love to live by the sea.

To travel the world alone, 

and live my life more simply.

I have no idea what's happened to that dream.

While I'm so afraid to fail so I won't even try;

how can I say I'm alive?

11:23

I want to share with you one of my favourite songs.
Find yourself some quiet space and listen to it here.

It gives me shivers, every time I listen to it.
It makes me weep when I'm alone.

I really wish that she would fight.
You know, life is really hard sometimes.
We don't know how we're going to be judged.
When we're taking our last breath in the middle of the night.
There is hope.

What if my best isn't good enough? Where can I find my hope? Will it all be worth it in the end?

It's not much,

But it's a light.

A beacon of hope, a breath of change.

Listen, can you hear it?

It creeps now, but soon it will rush through your bones.

You just have to believe.

Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in our world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you. 

Flying against the wind.

Today I saw a fly, struggling to move forward in the harsh Edinburgh wind and was overcome by its beauty.
There was so much hope in this tiny insect; swooping with the currents, constantly being pushed backwards but never once turning round.

I just wanted to share this image of hope with you, allow yourself to be inspired by the little things.
No matter how much life pushes you back, you've just got to keep moving forward, running against the current. One day, it will all be worth it. It must be. Deep in your heart, you must believe: everything is gonna be okay.

from

Just.Keep.Breathing.

Oh sweet collar bones,
Where have you been?
It's been a while,
Since I saw your smile,
Etched across my chest.

They days are longer now,
The sun warm on my skin.
Yet still your face,
Brings light to my life,
But I'm not scared, anymore.

I no longer need
Your bitter sweet oxygen;
Your icy breath
Couldn't melt my heart.
I'm learning to breathe once again.

Fading.
On the inside.
Shrinking.
On the outside.
Louder than ever before.
Can they not hear my screams?

Jess gave me a present today.

It's a choir.
They're mine now. To do with as I want. As long as I maintain the aims and values.
I'd like to share them with you now.

Aims
To be a Christian-based Rock-Gospel Choir incorporating other performing arts.
To create a choir where people can build friendships, draw out hidden abilities and be accepted for who and what they are.
To develop this concept throughout institutions of higher education worldwide.
Values
Everyone in Revelation has an equal role to play, and is loved and accepted as such.
We believe that performances and concerts are a means to an end, not an end in themselves.
There are no prerequisites to joining Revelation.
Revelation is run by the group, for the group.
Freedom of choice is respected at all times.
We are all beautiful people loved and accepted by God and each other.

These simple words, the people they bring together, the safe space that it's provided for me, I cannot being to express what it all means and the terrifying thought that next year it's me who has to be in charge of making sure it offers that beacon of hope and opportunity to everyone else. Shortly after coming to uni I got very sick. I was utterly miserable and lived for my Tuesday evenings with Rev, I found myself somewhere I truly belonged, surrounded by people who made me keep fighting. They made me feel like I mattered right from the minute I walked through the door, and more than that, they made me laugh when things were very dark.

I feel like this is a huge task ahead of me, to be 'President' of Revelation, when I owe a lot of myself to this choir. I don't know where this year's going to take me, but you're going to see, I'm gonna be a stronger and a better me. I'm gonna make it because I said I would, and do all the things you said I never would.

She never was a fighter, 'til he lay down beside her, and gently whispered, "hope".

By way of an apology for my lack of words of my own, I offer to you a selection of the words of others, capable of saying it much more beautifully than I could.

Music to numb the pain.

I loved reading your responses to my last post.

Some of them broke my heart.

You are all so beautiful.

Take this as the sign you've been waiting for.

Go on. 

I won't tell you twice.

<3

If your life flashed before you, what would you wish you had done?

Only got 86,400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away.

Funny how when I start feeling better, I lack words.
I keep avoiding studying.
2 weeks.
What to do?
I'm home for the weekend.
Going for a picnic this afternoon with a couple of pals.
I'm taking soup.
36 days until I go to Morocco.
I need to loose this belly.
Last year I was so tiny. I hate myself for what a glutton I've become.
It's not a good look for me.
700 and under.
Keep making them believe I'm healthy.
I really can do it.

Next week is easter. I'm mainly excited as it means I'll be allowed to drink coffee again. There's also that bit where Jesus died for our sins, but that's a little far fetched.
My mind is very superficial at the moment. Not up for deep chat, or insightful observations. Just plain monotony.

If your life flashed before you, what would you wish you had done? <3

Free at last

I can breathe once again.

Trev has gone back to London for the last few days of his adventure. Nothing happened between us sadly.
I had a hilarious encounter with two of my exes when they came by to borrow some golf clubs. We were all just standing in the hall slightly awkwardly and I couldn't help just laughing at the whole situation.

Today has been a slow day. I made £23 from doing experiments and promptly spent it on lunch, hair dye and random items. I went to this wonderful, alternative vegan cafe for lunch. I've never felt cool enough to go in before so it was quite the adventure. Since I've gotten in I've just moped and ate cookies. I'm going to do a dance work out then pack my bag for going home.

Sorry for just rambling about my day, I'm aware it is completely boring, I just felt like sharing.

I love being able to breathe. I love my own space. I love feeling comfortable in my house. I love feeling free on my blog. I love that some people actually read this and don't judge me. Thanks. <3

Canadians

I'm bombing. I'm so useless at conversation. So inept in social situations.
A guy I met in Canada is staying with me for a couple so days, it's incredibly draining.
I just want to go home to my mum. Lame as hell.
Doesn't help that I'm sick and feeling sorry for myself.
I'm hoping he sleeps all morning so I don't have to face him for a while.
He's lovely. I kinda hoped something might happen between us, that we'd have a beautiful romance for a couple of days. Definitely not going to happen. I'm just so awkward.
And coughing everywhere.
Today we're going to go to the beach. It's sunny but COLD.
This weekend we had summer. It was beautiful.
All in all, not much studying has happened.
All I can think about is how huge that number on the scale was this morning.
How disgusting I've become.
I want to blame my medication but I know it's my own dam fault.
Nothing fits. I'm trying to hide in hoodies but even they aren't big enough.
I'm so sorry for moaning after you all have been so lovely.
I just need some time on my own.
I am an introvert. I need time to recharge.
Thursday.
Can't wait.
I'm going to be busy again. I can feel it.
I just want to chill.
I just want to hibernate. If I sleep for long enough maybe those extra pounds will loose themselves.
If only.
<3

Oh Loves.

Thank you for coming back here. I'm shocked, humbled, overwhelmed.
I have started organizing my revision, exams in four weeks.
I have applied for some summer jobs.
I am doing quite well.

Today I am wearing purple tights to match my plum nails and have dyed my hair chocolate brown.

Last week I was in Sweden with him and my choir. Stockholm is beautiful, the people just seem to get everything right. They're laid back but get everything done; environmentally friendly naturally, not with resentment. Seeing him all the time, that was tough. He called me a lion and an aubergine. Made fun of my frizzy hair, my lack of make-up, my miss matched clothes. I don't want him anymore. I don't need him. But I yearn for him. It's natural. Now I won't have to see him so much. School is done, choir is done, our paths need not cross anymore. I'm standing on my own two feet and loving it. I'm terrified, I'm falling, I'm alone, I'm me. Just me, lost in this maze of life, trying to figure out which way to turn, gaining confidence with every step. It's going to be alright.

Another snippet of my choir. Caitlin is singing the solo, she's wonderful.
and my flatmate is rapping. She's hilarious.

I flit, I fly, I never make it home.

I'm sorry I went away again.
I think I'm here to stay.
The sun is fighting its way through; the warmth not put off by the wind.

Summertime,
So close.
No time to mess it up.

But I got,

So comfortable here.

I'm moving.

To where he cannot find me.
I don't know how long I'll be.
I'll let you know when I get there.
Love you all.

He's been here again.

Why do you keep coming back?

Help me.

Sweet Lauren gave me an award. Look, it's over there ->
Isn't it beautiful?
There are conditions to accepting the reward.
I must share 7 things about myself, and then pass it on to 10 others.
This I will do in good time.
But right now I am just far too sad to even contemplate it.
Sorry.
I am just so lonely.
Never alone.
Just ever so lonely.
I want to.
Break free.
Let me out.
Please.


Updated:
It's 6pm.
I need to be acCOUNTable.
I do not need to eat any more tonight.
Tomorrow I will eat 3 meals.
But I will stick to 800.
I will be healthy.
I hate bingeing.
I can't purge any more.
I don't know why.
I shouldn't anyway. I don't want to.
But I'm freaking out that it's all just going to stay in me.
I feel I need to.
I feel I need to share so I can stand through the pain.
Urrgh.
I hate it.

My whole world is the pain inside of me,

The best I can do is just get through the day.

When life before is only a memory,

I wonder why God lets me walk through this place.

And though I can't understand why this happened,

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how You brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold, purified through these flames...

I cling to Your promise, that there'll be a dawn...

Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again...

Bring it back now, yeah.

I need to regain control.
I need to be in charge.
I've given up the coffee, given up the cigarettes.
It is all about me, and I have got a lot to answer for.
I've been stretched.
I've done bad, but that's okay.
It's time to bring it back.
It's all about me.

Today I've had the worst caffeine withdrawal headache despite having the equivalent of 4 cups of coffee with pills. I hope that tomorrow will be better. The first day's always the worst. My body just needs to get used to it. I need to rely on me. Not caffeine or nicotine. I can't afford to, more than anything else. Smoking is also disgusting. I want to stop.

I'm writing my plans.
Need to keep on top of life.
There's still so much to be done.

This is my choir.
This is where I've been tonight.
With these joyful faces.
Oh how I love this choir.
(That's me playing bass).
(And the ex playing trumpet).
I hope you enjoy.



Thanks for your support guys, today in class we were talking about whether facebook and blogging communities could be thought of as social capital. My lecturer said that for many people, blogging communities are much more real than any other they're part of. I think that's true. Here, I'm not afraid to say anything. I know I'm not judged, and I know that you guys are always there for me. It's like I've found lots of people that are like me enough to understand, who get me, and love me, whatevs. I love that about you guys, thank you so much. <3


Also, Lisa, I am not Stephen. My name is Heather. I'm sorry he hurt you, but please, take your bitterness elsewhere.

Smiling as the shit comes down.

I'm so lonely.
I'm so sad.
I'm eating to fill the void in my soul.
It's still empty.
My thighs are swollen, my cheeks, my stomach.
My eyes are puffy from tears I cannot cry.
My heart yearns for him.
My head has lost its power of reason.
I think, maybe in summer, we'll give in to this love.
We can be together, be happy again.
Dreaming.
Empty wasted dreams.
I am not good enough for him.
Not normal enough.
But he never loved me for being normal.
I relive that day when he first told me he loved me.
Then think of all the times I hoped to die in that same room.
All the fear that leaving it brought.
My confidence is knocked.
He didn't help to build it up.
I changed for because of him.
One day, the shit came down, and we were no longer living in lovers paradise.
But still I long to be in his arms. I long to be home.
Every time I see him I start falling.
Falling head over heals in love with him again.
Longing for his touch.
But it never comes.
Each time we part, my heart breaks a little bit more.
I'm too fragile to be torn apart like this.

Edward Evan Evans-Pritchard

I have a presentation to write.
It's already after 8pm.
14 hours then I have to speak for one.
I'm so scared I'm numb. I'm unprepared. I've spent the last 5 hours staring at it.
Thinking about food instead. Mindlessly counting. Planning and recounting.
Thinking about cutting. Hating myself. General numbness.
I'm not highly anxious. This confuses me more.
I just want it to be the weekend.
I still have an essay to write.
But come Friday, I should have handed that it.
Then it will be the weekend. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to sleep.
I'm tired. Exhausted. Numb.
Who calls their child Edward Evan when their surname is Evans-Pritchard?
Cruel.
1 day, 18 hours, 42 minutes.
That's all I have to make it through.
All I want to do is throw in the towel.
I hate being around people because I always eat. I hate myself for hating being around people. I don't want to push people away again. I'm so confused. I hope it's just deadline stress. But I can't tell. Maybe it's the drugs. Maybe that's why I'm just numb. I don't know. I just don't know.

I must remember that all is not lost.

Oh, how I try, to be just okay.

I'm glad you came. It's nice to see you.

Perhaps I should change my name, change my identity, change my mind.
Flitter through life without an aim. Without a dream.
At least that way I couldn't fail.

But the thing is, I'm really liking who I'm becoming.
And I love that it came out of what I was.
I'm really believing that this now, right here, is just one chapter of many past and still to be written in the book of my life.

I could be anything.
It doesn't matter that I still have no dreams because I'm living, truly living for the first time in a long time.
Yes, I'm still sad, but it's a quantifiable sadness, it doesn't seem at odds with the flow of the world.
Part of the ups and downs.

And in the meadows, the flowers are forcing a path through the dirt. Each colour, each bud, each blade of grass is giving me a little bit more hope that the dawn is coming. That soon it will be spring. The sunshine will stay. We can go outside in pretty sweaters and oversized shades, wearing our tops like dresses. And we will radiate the beauty all around us. And we will see it too. In the little things, in the shimmer and the sunset, the cold air at dawn. But most of all, in ourselves.

You are beautiful.

<3

The only think I know to do is turn up the music and pray that she makes it through.

I love you all.

I love you all too darn much to not be here anymore.

I have been reading your blogs, hungrily pouring over your pages of beauty, finding pieces of you that fill the gaps in me.
Longing for more. Longing to comment. Longing to post.

I scared, but it's a rush.
The thrill that maybe I'll get caught.
Knowing he could look for it again.
Do I want him to?
No.
It's not about that.
It's about me. Me me me.


And yet my fingers tremble.
Nervously pressing the keys.
Their clicking magnified in the the silence.
Each sound a thousand worries. Each tap a rebellion.
I'm fighting.
I'm going to come out stronger. Just you wait and see.

I'm taking it easy, bright and breezy.
I'm living it up, just fine and dandy.
And it really doesn't matter if I never eat.
It really doesn't matter if I never sleep.
When tomorrow comes, I'll do it all again.

I'm scared I'm being watched.

Don't you understand? You're not meant to read this. It isn't for you anymore.

Walls.

I'm building them up again. There is no point in being weak when there is noone to share with. No need to be completely vulnerable again.
I spent two years unbuilding what was reformed over night.
I must be strong. I must embrace it.
This terror, surly it will pass?
The fear of day break, of lonely hours.
It's just a phase.
Soon I can block it out too.
I'm grasping at the weak ties of friendship, torn between bridge building and swimming.
See the river, it already took my damn, maybe it's meant to have me too.
But how can I go with the flow when I have so many responsibilities?
So many obligations, tying me to the bank.
I want to let go, but then what would I have? I would gain nothing yet let down everyone.
No, that I cannot do.
So I let myself be stretched.
Further and further.
One day I'll snap again.
I can't let myself get there - there's noone to pick up the pieces.
So I must paint my body with rubber; line the vortex of my soul with things stronger than myself.

Fuck me.

God. I'm so frecking angry. So upset.
This rage, I want to rid myself from it. I cannot escape it.
It's not rational. I know this. I wish it was. It would make more sense.

I said I was going to leave behind "unhealthy eating" but it's just not that easy. I can't. I haven't purged or cut since 23rd December. But I have been bingeing and counting and restricting. I feel fat, ugly, unloveable. I'm a failure.

I'm sad. I miss andrew. I miss having someone to talk to about everything; to tell how terrified I am by uni, how overwhelmed I am. I have a meeting tomorrow with Jenny from the Christian Fellowship of Healing. I'm scared about that. She is a 'Christian listener' trained in counseling and things. I'm really not that good at talking. I don't know why I'm bothering. Fucking hell. I'm too overwhelmed. On Thursday I'm meeting with a mental health mentor from uni for the first time. I don't know why I'm bothering with that either. I don't know what kind of help I want. I just know that I'm not coping. I'm barely surviving.

Oh fuck.

One day I'm gonna whistle.

sweetpea posted this on her wonderful blog. It think it is the best thing ever, for a while at least.
She also awarded me this:

An award, for my blogging. It gave me butterflies. 

The rules state that I have to share ten random things about myself and award this to five other beautiful bloggers who write from the heart.

1) I always wished my name was George or Charlie.
2) I dream of one day having my own kitchen where I can label and alphabetise everything and not have it messed up by people who don't know the system.
3) My favourite piece of furniture is a dresser I found on the street.
4) My favourite wine glass was also found on the street.
5) My left wall covered in a collage of photos, beside my bed I keep my three favourite people - my brother, (not)my andrew, and my margaret.
6) I am a pathological liar.
7) I love playing netball.
8) I miss Canada, and the people who made me feel so worthwhile there.
9) I love Karine Polwart, Juliet Turner, and Yvonne Lyon.
10) I share my bed with a lion called Desmond, a rabbit called Mopsy and a cow called Poptart.

People who deserver this award more than me:
1) Bella, such beautiful sadness
2) Sofia, such heart
3) Heathersays, such dreaminess
4) Barry, such profound musings
5) Athena, such life

It is all of a sudden tomorrow and I was going to have an early night so I am not going to muse anymore. I love your support, and that people actually read whatever jumbled mess I spew out. It makes me feel so special. I will go to sleep thinking of you and be happy. x

Keys to the Kingdom got locked inside the Kingdom

So, I should be writing 500 words about Marx. I'd like to say he got me thinking, but really my brains not up for thinking. Instead I have a few minutes to write a few words and hopefully find some thoughts in the jumble of my mind before I replace my mask and go to play netball.

Firstly, thank you all for your loving comments on my last post. 

Classes started on Monday and I immediately found myself completely overwhelmed by them. I thought about how I would usually go to Andrew and how I can't do that anymore. 

I'm so confused. So sad. So lonely. 

I don't know how to write anything that makes sense.

My brain is just so full of emptiness.

So I fill it with short lived endorphins.

I fill it with plans, lists, numbers. 

I calculate and categorize in an effort to free myself from this abyss.

But I'm still trapped. 

My face aches with tears I cannot cry.

My soul weeps with feelings I don't know how to express.

My stomach rumbles with empty sympathy.

Broken Hearted.

A picture by my friend neil

Today is my last day of wallowing (for now at least). Tomorrow I will start a new diet and exercise routine for the new term.

Today I am sad. I broke up with boyfriend of over two years on monday. We had been through too much, he had suffered too much pain because of me. I broke him and I broke us.

This boy was sent to save me. He spent nights with me at the a&e, holding back my hair while I puked charcoal. He held me when I cried. He thought I was beautiful, even in my sadness.

He had so much life when we met. He knew who I was, yet he loved me anyway. He fought my dragons for me when I became too weak to care. In his arms I felt so safe. But my dragons, they went for him too. I wanted to protect him. I wanted to hide my flaws because I hate them, because if I could just be normal for a while then maybe it would be easier. But I couldn't. My dragons scratched deep into my flesh. my wounds could not be hidden. My scars formed walls between us. My cuts, an empty valley once filled with laughter.

He is a saint. Each time I wanted to die, he made me live. He was my crutch, my knight, my love. Now he's left me, I need to learn how to live on my own. I have to. My dragons have fought enough of my battles. It's time I fought back.