I've been away.

I'm going back.
I'm going to a place of magic and dreams where I can write my soul on paper and breathe the fresh air.
I love you all very much and I shall be back.

This is where I'm going - the Isle of Iona

Magrit's house - Iona Abby

I long for you, to keep my hope from dying.

Psalm 22, arrangement by the psalm project.

I got myself in this mess.
I do it to myself.
I need rescuing, but it has to be me that rescues.
I know I can't do this alone, but is it enough to believe that He is by my side?

Summer rain, dripping down your face again.

Summer rain, praying someone feels the same.

Take the pain, killer, cycle on your bicycle

Leave all this misery behind.

I'm crumpling under this weight; 

the pressure of the world bearing heavy on my chest.

How can it be, that young hearts tear with such 

alarming 

ease?

Naive, I believed youth to be characerised by elasticity, 

but these efforts of the living are little more than the beat of a wing against the 

weight 

of 

time. 

Our eyes are old before their time - 

no longer shining with innocent wonder but 

blackened 

by the pain of living. 

Alas, we say, just one more day, 

broken souls and weary limbs. 

Functioning 

minute 

by

 minute, 

hour by hour

 because it's the only way we know 

how to 

keep 

going.

Lets stop talking about it.

We (I) spend too much time talking about things, whining, self depreciating.
I want to thank sweet pea for inspiring me to keep going right now.
I hit my head off rock bottom and I'm continuing to fall but do you know what? It's okay.
I'm going to accept it.
I need to look myself in the mirror and say, yes, you fucked up, now deal with it like an adult.
Tomorrow is Monday, a new day, a new week, a fresh start.

Monday will be a good day if we tell ourselves it will be.

I have been thinking about my faith recently, and how much I take it for granted.
Though I was baptised and became a Christian as an adult, it seems like forever ago that I was aware of the active choice this was. It's not the easy way out. It requires the strength to love the people who hurt me the most that seems beyond me at points. It also requires me to be able to forgive and love myself. That's the one I want to work on daily. I'm not entirely sure how yet. It's a work in progress.

All my thoughts entwine in my mind to produce a beautiful, complex highway of noise that fails to come across eloquently when I set about trying to pave them in words.

It's like swings and roundabouts.

Hope.

noun

grounds for believing that something good may happen

he does see some hope for the future

We must fill ourselves with the believe that something good will come of this.
That we are truly amazing.
Because if we don't, what else is there?
If we can't believe that there is hope for the future then what is the point in getting up in the morning.
I keep getting up, so I must have hope.
What I feel as though I'm lacking, is passion.
They say that the saddest people you'll ever meet in life are those without a passion for anything. Without passion, any happiness felt will always be short lived as there is nothing to carry it, nothing to hold on to.
I used to have a passion, but somewhere along the way I lost sight of it.
My goals are immediate now, I cannot see the bigger picture.
I have become superficial and self-centered.
I despise the person I have become.
Where is my spark?
I dulled it, wanting to shield it from more pain but in doing so, I've become a shell of a person.
My thoughts are jumbled, my heartbeat quick.

Like four seasons in one day.

Despair

noun

the complete loss or absence of hope

You travel here, and you travel there, trying to get out from under the cloud, and nothing works, and then, one day you realise you've been carrying the weather around with you.

Yesterday morning, this was my road. Now it is my river.

We're breaking and rebuilding, and we're growing.
I need to know that we really are growing.
I need to know that this is worth it.
I need to know a reason why.
Sink or swim, tell me which.
I'm only human.

Running on adrenalin, walking on air.

euphoric

adjective

characterized by or feeling intense excitement and happiness:

a euphoric sense of freedom

It was the perfect weekend.

And it would have been all the better if I was spending it with you.
But alas, no.
Still, it was beautiful.
Today I went to the BEACH.
It was beautiful.
We swam, we sunbathed, we drank juice.
Bronzed. Gleeful.

I'm still on the drugs, three more weeks she said.
It's okay. It won't be long now.


This sun is melting my icy soul. I laugh. Not like I used to, but I will. I will laugh 'til I cry and I will cry 'til I laugh. It might not be tomorrow, next week or next month, but I will. I know it. We'll all be okay, one day.