Reflections on a Rainy Day.

Sometimes I wonder why I am here
Wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared
Just one second that’s all you need
Your once perfect world can feel so weird
I have nothing you want, but everything I need
I look in the mirror and see my biggest fear
I a standing alone screaming and telling
But know one can hear
There is no pain, I am always numb
Everyone I love has been pushed out
One by one
There’s no place to hide, feeling empty inside
Standing there watching as my life flies by
Just one second that’s all you need
Your once perfect world can feel so weird.               

                    - Maria Gorski

10 days til decorating day.

I really need someone to talk to about how stressed I am right now but I do not know where to turn.
I'm so angry I want to throw my stupid laptop across the room and run away but it is cold outside and I am pathetic. I would usually just moan at the boy at this point but he told me he was bored of me and my mental thoughts last night. Maybe I should take drugs again. I would stop feeling happy but at least I might stop feeling sad or angry too. Nothingness is less offensive than myself.

Why no sleeping?

I keep checking your blog but you are not here yet. I don't know how to be. I'm mainly scared you don't want to be back and so will continue to be away until you can pretend no longer. This will take too long. Please come back.

I have become obsessed with things like Fred Perry and Ben Sherman and internet shopping.

I am also a crazy stalker.

<- Is cool.

No day but today.

twloha day '09

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved.
You were meant to live life in relationship
with other people, to know and be known.
You need to know that your story is important
and that you're part of a bigger story.
You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world.
My friend Byron is very smart - he says that
life is hard for most people most of the time.
We believe that everyone can relate to pain,
that all of us live with questions, and all of
us get stuck in moments.

You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition.
We wake to mystery and beauty
but also to tragedy and loss.
Millions of people live with problems of pain.
Millions of homes are filled with questions –
moments and seasons and cycles that
come as thieves and aim to stay.

We know that pain is very real.
It is our privilege to suggest
that hope is real, and that help is real.
You need to know that rescue is possible,
that freedom is possible, that God is
still in the business of redemption.

We're seeing it happen.
We're seeing lives change as people
get the help they need.
People sitting across from a counselor for the first time.
People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments,
people calling a suicide hotline.

We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take.
We want to say here that it's worth it,
that your life is worth fighting for,
that it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment,
we believe that community is essential,
that people need other people,
that we were never meant to do life alone.
                                                                                             

Lord I need a new start.

I need to breathe a wider air,

I need to climb a mountain

and see the bigger picture.

Will you help me Lord?

I've got bogged down

by things I've done

and things I should have done

but never quite got round to.

There are words I should have spoken,

and others which would have been better unsaid.

There are people I should have been in touch with

and others I should have left alone.

You sent your Son to be with us

to lift the burden of the past,

to lighten the present.

Forgive me and help me begin again

in the name and strength of Jesus.

I am climbing now, Lord,

with renewed energy, moving up into the bigger spaces.

The Sun is rising.

I feel a fresh wind on my face

the breath of life in my lungs your Holy Spirit is moving.

Will I meet you on the mountain, Lord?

Will you be there for me

transformed, transfigured?

Amen, so let it be

Yes Lord

(Life&Work, Sept.'09)

Here is where I am Lord,

together yet falling apart.

I've lost my sight along the way

so blind I try to follow.

My world is full of darkness

My body wretched with pain

If you are always with me,

Then please, just call my name.

It's too hard to see your light

It's too hard to feel your joy

It's too hard to share your love

When inside I'm empty and worn

I've lost sight of my dreams

I've lost sight of your love

I've been dead inside

For far too long.

But now I feel things changing

The woods seem not so thick

Help me take this leap Lord,

I am your daughter, I am lost.

The jump is far too far for me

I cannot walk alone

I must build a bridge of love

Founded through this pain

                              

Why is this so hard,

To focus on my God

When he is here beside me

Reading what I write.

To have a dream for a day

Seems harder than one for a lifetime

Today will soon be over

I risk knowing I have failed.

(Heather, Sept.'09)

Then there was talking and changing. Now there are no drugs and more challenges. It is also nearly day break.

I am your moon and you are my sun and we brighten up each others lives for the better.

There's a different perspecitve out here in the hills
Everything's quiter and everything's still.

Silly grins and smiles.

I first met you in a choir,
you sang lower and I sang higher
and as our voices blended, our friendship grew.



I cannot do things right.

twloha day is soon.
pictures made me sad.
i stalked people
and talked prayed with them.
It's a lonely world.
I feel isolated for not having reasons.
Not having addictions
Just being lazy and daft.
Attention seeking and pathetic.

I hate life

and I am crying because I can't find a template that reflects this.
I am also crap at actually getting round to doing the things I intend and want to which upsets me and makes me never do it.

Inside my head.

Fcuk
wank
blarg
die
kill
world
cry
Argh.
sad
freck
God
DNR
dust
pathetic
swat
lost
upset
wine
hair
change
vomit
stress
window
peppers
facebook
consequence
deadline
failure
essay
crap
words
fuckers
sims
telle
fantasy
leave
blood
chocolate

Help needed.

This weekend, I went away with CHV. The people were lovely, the program was perfect, the concept was something I am into, the weekend was a nightmare.
I have completely lost the ability to connect with people.
Somewhere inside I want to socialise and be me, but it won't come out. 
I don't know how to deal with living.

Who knows the laws of silence.

Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted.


I'm drowning in the darkness.
Tired of treading water.
It's so much effort just to keep on breathing.
I feel so alone because I don't think anyone gets how hard it is.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm

really sad and have mental friends.

Why is my life so cold and sad again?

I would like a yellow coat. It might make me happier. It is from Next. If you are felling rich you should buy me it.
I only have one drug left.
I have an appointment in 5 days.
I have not taken my drugs for that many days before, but I feel silly not eating them then visiting doctoret.
Options: a) Go at 9am tomorrow b) Get over it

Lord, open our eyes to your presence in creation.

"Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my
heart’s going to cave in."
AMERICAN BEAUTY
DreamWorks, 1999

I am watching Madeline.
I would like ice cream too.
Apparently I was meant to go to the doctors this morning, I forgot.
I have not enough drugs for some days.
I also did not go to mental outreach class.
It is ridiculous.

You should not judge people too quickly, even if you understand them quickly.

I cannot think and write at the same time.
I will continue later.

Jesus?

I forgot him from my last post.
Truth is he wasn't there in an obvious way until I think about the people and the connections.
Through them he spoke to me undoubtedly.
I have more images I would like to share than words, but I have not my camera to capture them or my own laptop to upload them from so I feel slightly trapped by this.
Tomorrow Sarah is leaving.
Today it is grey and miserable.
Yesterday I felt alone.
Today I woke up and smiled.
I feel like there are lots of changes coming soon,
people leaving, days getting darker, new people arriving, new uni year...
But I also feel like none of these scare me anymore.
This is the start, of what will be a long and difficult journey. I am not alone in my travels. He is walking with me. It's time to get started.

Feild of Dreams

Prayer
Reflection
Challenge
Release
Tears
Dialogue
Spirituality
Dragons
Freedom
Singing
Joy
Suffering
Craig
Identity
Abba
Craving
Love
Journey
Inter-faith
Goodbyes
Mission
Leap
Dance
Poverty
Massage
Space
Silence
Power
Writing
Soul Bird
Compassion
Trapped

Overwhelming Peace, Happiness, Heather.

Home?

"I spent years feeling like this, wondering if each new place I went would be the home I was looking for. Then I realized that "home" is not something the universe is supposed to give me, a magical place where I'll suddenly feel I belong. It's a commitment I make to a place and to a community. I found a place that didn't feel like home at first, but I decided to make it my home. Every day that I spend here strengthens my commitment. Every day it becomes a little more like 'home'." (email to Frank)
I facebooked Scott. I try make Morningside my home for a bit.
Soon I can start to make my flat a home because Nikla will live here for real and we can decorate beautifully.
I like cooking.
I'm not so much in to eating.
I read Harry Potter.
Every day is a struggle. But it doesn't seem to bring me closer to anything except breaking.
I cannot feel. How can I love when I cannot feel? How can I laugh? How can I reach out for Jesus when he is so very far away?
I can't. I lie hopeless. Snarling at anyone who tries to help. Their efforts are always in vain. They cannot help, they can only get hurt.
Leave me. Maybe if my flesh rots my soul will feel at home. A broken soul inside a broken body.

I am a master at hiding how I feel and who I am.

The big secret is I just don't have a clue.
My life is a mask.
Yet it's still shit.
There's no going back.
The path ahead is impossibly blocked.
I'm stuck in limbo.
Fucking with anyone who get's too close to me's head.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I want.
How am I meant to be in any kind of relationship when all I feel is anger, and all I show is fake smiles, and all that is real is the tears.
I've just fucked up, quite a lot.
My life feels like it's moving way to fast, but I know in reality it isn't going anywhere, I'm just on a roundabout and they won't stop pushing it even though I'm screaming and about to fall off.
What does one do?

No.

Collision - Marcia Furman

Head spinning, stomach churning.

I've been feeling more suicidal recently. Not actively, just in a 'what if...' kind of way.
But I don't think I can write a suicide note.
I know that isn't a very positive way of not killing myself, but hey, it's something.
I feel rather daft.
I am obsessing about meths for some reason.
It is also 1am and I have been awake for a long time. But I woke up because of all the cleaning fluid and now my hands are really sore and itchy and dry. I am also hungry. But I ate three whole meals today, and 2 cookies, and hot chocolate so I should not be.
I also keep playing farmville and my back hurts.
I would like to sleep.
I think I will watch a film and munch some frozen bread.

The world for once, in perfect harmony...

I feel like I've fucked up, really bad.
I feel so trapped and empty, yet overflowing.
I feel like I started running a race, but then the guy in front of me flung his water bottle over his head and it whacked me in the temple and knocked me out and now I'm on the pavement listening to all these people whisper around me but unable to reach out or open my eyes. I can't fit the sounds together into sentences , I don't know where I am or where I'm going.

Things are going okay.

I am still sad and lonely and empty.

Why?

Yesterday there was a festival along the coast for Carmen, Virgin of the Sea. We went and looked around her church, it was very modern, pretty stained glass, lots of statues, the Lord's Prayer in every language you could think of on the walls, and bustling with people there an hour early for mass to get the good seats. But all I could think about was the homeless man outside. I wanted to go sit with him. I had no money, no way I could help, but I wanted to sit with him and share my time. I didn't because of parents, but also because I'm scared. When we went back to the church after the parade, following the bands and float, he was lying in the corner, asleep, despite all the noise and commotion around him. I cried a lot.

I haven't cared about other people for a long time. I think this is a step forward. I still despair at the world. I still have a soul.

This evening, I will swim.

Worn from walking this far
So worn from talking this much
And what we found and what we've seen
As the road curves down
And the lights come up to meet us
Silent for the evening
We enter this town like new born creatures
Those I know O see a new
And the space between us is reduced
For I am human
And you are human too

---------------------

I must be on the road again, no time to write.

However, I want to break away. My life is rituals. I cling to them. Enough. Move on. Break away. Be free. I just want to be me.

I'm no farther forward, just farther along.

It's pulling me down, and I am no closer to release.

City of Dreams

'give thanks with a grateful heart...'
I've never heard a less grateful congregation singing so solemnly.
I think I might have a problem with hymns. Or mainly the words. I think it is difficult to worship God with words in general and even harder to do en mass. We do not all have grateful hearts to lift up in praise. I was not the only one in that building who was there with a heavy heart and a foggy spirit, not singing of the glory, but crying in despair, desperate to reach out for the Lord but always finding myself further away.
When we sing, lots of the times I do not bother to read the words on the page, partly because I read them wrong and then feel silly singing "griddled with praise" instead of girded, and also just because I cannot be honest and open while singing about things I cannot even attempt.


"Lord, from the depths to thee I cried.


My voice, Lord, do thou hear:


Unto my supplication's voice


Give an attentive ear...



More than they that for morning watch,


My soul waits for the Lord."









I don't really know what I'm writing. I did not cry during the service. Only as I was leaving.
I cry for all the things I cannot say with words.
And then I cry in guilt for being so selfish.

I am now watching pigeons trying to get the seed that has fallen from the bird feeder. When we first got new windows and such, they used to get stuck all the time, we'd have to remove the glass to untrap them. Now it seems they've learned. One only looks from above, not dive down into the gap that's too small for you, then you can pick your best spot and attack from underneath while beating your wings furiously to work off the extra calories from the seeds. mental.

Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface. But sometimes, there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one. Like with pie.

Heather lacks enthusiams.

I'm not excited about anything.
I have a LOW boredom threshold.
Mentolist.
I want to be excited about studying. But I am not.
Nothing excites me.
BLARGH.
More chocolate please.
By chocolate I mean coffee.
I'm so easily sidetracked too.
It makes me hate me.
What should I do with my life.
I'd like to do an open degree at the open university. But also, they don't have lots of things I'd like to do. But they do have lots of things I would like. I can do early years stuff, and spanish, and psychology, and care. While still working part time and not getting bored. But also, I quite want to go to liverpool john muirs and do outdoor ed or early years education. boo. Why is How Clean is your House on repeats again :(
I shall have to just play sims.
I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD.
I want to change.
Fuck I'm bored.
I'm bored of me. I hate me. I'm just a bit of an arse.
Die.

Sometimes I feel life would be easier if I weren't so fabulous.

Here I am with everything and nothing at all, I feel so useless.
I have a wonderful life, wonderful friends, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, my possibilities are endless. So I feel guilty for not appreciating any of it, for feeling sad and empty, lonely and unloved, and wanting to die. I'm a selfish bitch. I want to abandon all the people who love me so I do not have to live in my already imaginary world and don't have to put up with my imaginary pain anymore. I don't get why I'm so ridiculous, it makes me really angry.

God behind, God beside, God ahead. God where?

I hate when counselors ask me why I didn't go ahead with my plans. I don't have an answer. I'm just so pathetic I can't do anything right. Why did I not walk out? Why did I not cut? Why did I not let myself die? I do not want to turn my back on the help that is being offered me, at the same time I can't see how it is being helpful.

I love you for who you are, not for who you want to be.

You can't grow a tree from a fallen leaf.

What is this whole Christianity thing? And Jesus and such? I'm not sure I believe.
I have no reason not to, and no reason to. It's all just a bit random and silly.

Why does my computer keep blacking out?

Unburdened by destinies shadow.
I do not want to go back to uni. I do not want to go and learn in a room. I do not want to sit exams. I want to be free. I want to learn about living. I want to be useful. Not just another student scrounging off the tax payer. I feel trapped. Inside my soul. But also outside my life. I make no sense, not even to me.

My head is throbbing.
I am looking too intently at a white screen and thinking nothing.
the end.

I'm a fucking useless piece of crap.
Sometimes I'm like, yeah life, and take on all these things and get excited about them, and then I am stuck in bed and forget about them.
And I'm totally just moaning.
WAY too much.
My life is wonderful.
Why do I pretend it's so crap.
Stupid Heather.
Stupid Stupid Stupid.

home alone

I am unable to cry so I am screaming.
I no longer feel empty.
I feel like a bowl of baked beans that's been in the microwave too long.

abc.

a) I hate the world.
b) I want to die.
c) I have a pint of coffee and a bottle of baileys to get me through.

So I was thinking,

maybe I should do less of that.
The thoughts that are circling their way in a tuneless melody around my head are not useful so I thought I would try and get them away from my head to boil over somewhere else.
Fuck I want to die.
Stupid.
Time-waster.
Ugly.
Pathetic.
Useless.
Maniac.
Drama queen.
Get over yourself.
Self-centered.
I know no-one because I'm so wrapped up in me.
Crap friend.
Fuck-wit.
Reject.
Insecure.
Pointless.
Worthless.
Insignificant.
I do not know where God is in my life.
Embarrassed.
I have no answers.
Even when the questions are about me.
I do not want to be the expert on myself.
That is stupid.
Nicola hates me.
Facebook is silly.
But the former is still true.
Maybe I'll put a film on.
I need to pee.
God.
Who is this Jesus guy anyway.
Religion is stupid.
Do I feel spiritual?
Where's my bible.
I shall get it on the way back from peeing.
I am actually just having a wee convo with myself out loud here, I quite like it.
I'd like to learn to sign.
I'd like to be pals with Sarah, but it's too late at night to try now.
My hands are being awful.
Gid auld Des said "I would not know how to be human, how to think as a human being, how to walk as a human being how to talk or how to eat as a human being except by learning from other human beings." Therefore we are all shite and there should be a genocide of the human race because we are stuck in an endless cycle of ungrace.
Really it just disturbs me how full of ungrace my thoughts are.
I actually do not feel like I have the capacity to care.
I therefore believe that I serve no purpose in this monotonous life and hence should be culled.
If we cannot care what use are we?
Jesus' words are in green :)
It makes it look a lot better than when they put them in red.
That is colourist.
Bad heather.
You are a horrible person.
I do not like the way my name looks when I write or type it. That's why I tend to not use capitols. I feel it is slightly better this way.
Fuck I'm mental.
'My servants shall eat, but you shall be hungry.'
hmm. I'm hungry.
The WORD.
What's it all about.
Gonne someone tell me.
I'm stupid and ignorant.
I hate the world because it hated me first.
I think I want toast.
I think I should stop being an idiot.
I feel this is easier said than done.
How are you finding prayer?
Pah.
I'm useless.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

I am..

Angry?
Not so much.
Sad?
So-so.
Anxious?
No.
Tears?
None.
Hateful?
Not really.
Empty?
Completely.
Deflated?
Yes.
Hopeless?
That too.
Numb, worthless, nothing.

si units

I want to raid the bin.
I threw out my razor blade this morning and now I feel like I need it.
I'm dreading summer.
And holidays with the parents.
Every time I eat it makes my stomach so sore.
And then I feel sick because I ate.
But I also feel hungry some times.
I feel I should be in control of me.
I do not want to wear other people out with looking after me.
I hate it. I just feel so stupid.
I feel stupid and pathetic most of the time.
I feel like a moapy spoiled child.

oh my gosh, I think someone just stole a child on hollyoaks, jealous.

But anyways.
I do not know what to do. If I let it out, I crush the people around me and feel like an idiot. I can't keep it in tho.
I want to be thin, I also want to be drunk. Getting drunk is easier than getting skinny but makes me want to die more.
pah.
I don't know why I'm writing, I have nothing to say.
I'm not even trying to justify my tears. Canne.
It's GA so I feel very alone. I don't want to be obsessive and needy, but I am.
I keep trying to break my phone as a reason to stay alone and make it harder for me to be so annoying.
Heather shut up.

Just Ponderings, It's been a while.

Inside I am screaming out for help but I forgot to build a doorway when I built my protective walls so instead I'm huddled up like a lost child, wanting love and protection but wary of any who come near. I am whimpering in the darkness of my soul and feel trapped by my perception of how one should act in the world. When I'm in church, I want to run to the front, kneel on the steps and cry out but instead, I cry silently in my pew, too scared of what other people would say and think. I long to be like my 2 year old self, running around, laughing, crying, just being however I wanted to be without caring about all the old people tutting and harassing my mother about my inappropriate behavior for church. But Jesus said, let the little children come to me. As children we are truly ourselves, in school we learn about social status and cliques and conform to try to make ourselves fit in, we then spend the rest of our lives trying to find ourselves. It all seems a bit silly.
Some days it feels like the entire human race hates each other.
Sometimes I wish we all just weren't.
Do blades of grass or humming birds have these kinds of problems?
Do sparrows feel guilty when they eat the seeds from the farmers field that they did not sow?
Are dandelions always wondering where there children have gone and scour the garden for when one will come back?
Why am I me?
How does a river feel when an animal dies in it?
Why do people who have the most feel like they are missing the most?
Am I lost?
I am lost. But did I wonder off the path? or did I join the wrong one? Did I take the path less traveled and find it too overgrown to navigate? Or am I just ill equipped? Left the house in the wrong shoes and have had to take a rest stop to let my blisters heal. How long have I been traveling astray? Was I ever even walking with Jesus, or did I just kid myself? Too young, too naive, too innocent, did I actually believe I had it sussed?
When I was 9, I decided Jesus was cool. He was the puppet master, we were asked if we were ready to hand our strings over to God. I had never been more sure of anything. But I still couldn't share this with anyone other than God. Sharing is the most important thing. Why is it so difficult? Why do we live in a world of such ungrace that we find it shocking and terrifying to talk to someone and share Jesus's love first off?
I just dinne get it.
I say that a lot. And it's true. I do not 'get' most things in life. All the good things seem too controversial and bad things seem unfathomable.
What would the world look like if our main identity in life was not student, banker, homeless, orphaned, working class, emo, ned, unpopular... but we could simply say 'I am the one Jesus loves'. What would we feel if we could truly believe this with all our hearts. I love Jesus, but I cannot believe that he still loves me. I just turn away from grace because it seems simply too good to be true. I am scared I guess. Scared it will all just be snatched away again. It's too scarey to be happy because being sad is so much worse. At least when you're sad everything levels. That's not even true. But it's something like that.
My migrane is starting to eat at me again so I think I better put the bright light away and get back to being curled up in a darken room.

I am angry.
I am scared.
I am exhausted.
I am lost.
I am stuck.
I am looking for answers.
I am at a dead end.
I am confused.
I am sad.
I am undeserving.
I am helpless.
I am on the phone.
This is better.

Hate.
Why is there so much of it?

Nothing In Particular.

Current dilemma: How to feel happy enough to prepare a presentation for tomorrows job interview.
Bah.
I would muchly like to just sleep. I got to sleep sometime before 2 last night then woke up at 4 and could not sleep. I managed to get up but have had an unproductive day and now would rather curl up in bed and cry than think about what I'd like to tell kids about science. I do not want to work at the science festival. It's far too hard. I would be crap at it anyway. I am a rubbish public speaker.
I purchased daffodils to brighten up my life.
I think I need to drink more tea.
Totally stressed myself out now.
I need to get the bus at 0918 from across the road in the direction of ocean terminal. It will get me somewhere near the office at 0940 giving me 20 minutes to find where I am going. Which is hopefully enough time to get there but not too much to stress overly.
Now I need to write a bloody presentation.
I just feel so crappy I have no idea where to start.
Kimmitt is coming round to motivate me. I feel like he should just go to the interview tomorrow. He would be muchly better anyhow.
I don't even have anything to write. I am just so tired and so dead inside. My nose hurts too. Silly stud. BLA
I kinda wanna scream, kinda wanna just curl up and die. Either works.

Complicated

I have not written for a couple of weeks. Apparently this is bad. So I thought I would rectify that.
Currently listening to Avril Lavigne, I'm in a bit of a hair brush microphone kinda mood. Wish I had sing star.
About half an hour ago, I got a call from some woman called Tracy telling me to check my emails because I have an interview for the Science Festival thingmybob. Having just got in and checked I have discovered I have to prepare a presentation aimed at 5-11 year olds about some aspect of science. Freaking out slightly. I shall try and calm and use it as an excuse to go to blackwells tomorrow and read kiddies books. It also reminded me that I didn't call All Staff to see if they could get me a summer job. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be stressful. Then Wednesday might be just about okay and then Thursday will be stressful again. And then it's DAY OF JOSHY.
Good times.
I feel really crap, and generally really angry, but also lacking the energy to feel.
Anna called me last night. Just hearing her voice made mee so angry, so confused. I couldn't speak to her. I would have justshouted and ranted incohearently down the phone.After I hung up on her she texted me, said she took so long to reply because she was trying to think of how she could help me best. that made me angry too. Too little too late. I don't need her help, I would just like not to completely be cut out of her life. At the same time, she's always made me feel worthless and crap and generally insults me at least 5 times every time I see her. I feel like I'm not working hard to keep people in my life. Like Claire, I haven't spoken to her for over a month, it kills me a little inside. I should write her a letter, but at the same time I'm thinking why bother. I'm the crappest friend in the world. The less people relying on me the better. I need other people a lot. But I'm too scared to ask for help. Too proud. Too embarrassed. I have great people around me, I just worry that I put too much on them. Well I know I do. And I just wish they would agress and hurry up and get rid of me. Currently composing a sufficiently hurtful text to send to Anna. I don't like being mean, and selfish. I do it far too much at the moment. I hate it. And it makes me hate me more even though it's what I have to do to get through the day. Stupid.
In my head I walked infront of a bus today. It was such a rush. So close to freedom. The stopping of the pain. It would be so easy. It unnerves me slightly how comforting thinking about this is, but only very slightly. Mostly I'm one tiny step away from peace. All I'd have to do is take a step off the pavement, end of. So I might only get surverely injured, but at least then I could go and hang out in hospital where they have lots of drugs.
I just remembered I'm wearing superman pants. It made me a bit happy. But not really. Also the tea. But it's the 3rd cup of the evening, I'm starting to get a bit jittery. I did eat. So it's all good. I hardly ever feel hungry so I just eat crap and drink tea. It's really bad. I need to purchase more fruit. I would also like flowers for my nicely tidy room. For some reason it still feels such a mess. I think that's just my head though. Bla.
I've totally just rambled incoherently for a while.
I think I'll stop.
Go back to crying and listening to Karine Polwart. (I got bored of singing, it felt wrong.)

How to stop pretending?

I want to be honest. It is not something that comes easily to me. Or at least something I have trained myself to loose. I am not okay. But what am I? I have been avoiding my flat mates, I don't remember the last time I saw anyone, I just hide in my room all day and scavenge at night.

My need is such, I pretend too much, I'm lonely but noone can tell.

I am depressed. I don't think I've said this, like at all. It's so easy to just answer fine when someone asks me how I am. It goes down a lot better than a truthful answer. I generally expect people not to care. They ask after you because this is what you do. Not because they are genuinely interested in your well being. Don't be crazy! I guess this is why we get scared when people do care, when people listen and actually want to know. But that's not my problem at the moment. I do not know where to start. My feelings are irrational. They do not make sense to me, let alone anyone else. So how do you tell someone how you are feeling, without expecting too much of them but in an honest way.

I'm trying to word God thought. But I do not know where I am going with any of my musings. Yes. No. I shall not.

I was sure I had a lot to say some hours ago. But now it is 3am and I am nowhere near to wanting to sleep nor to thinking anything that isn't purely negative comments about myself.
I am feeling really quite low again. In an angry way.

Tomorrow I am going to start reading Harry Potter again. I look forward to it. Or try to. Reading is a lot of effort. Harry Potter was easier than most books that are acceptable for grown up children to read. I was named and shamed in 2nd year for reading a Jacqueline Wilson book, I think that was when I stopped reading out of choice on the whole. Ms McNiel. Terrifying woman. Liked to shout. I mentored her regi class in 5th and 6th year and was always scared to go into the class incase she ate me. She also often mistook me for a 1st year and shouted at me for wearing face paint, musical socks, a smile, and kissing the boys. I think I would not like to be a teacher because the children would hate me and I am fearty of going into a school ever again. Hate.

Take another shot of courage, wonder why the right words never come...

Will I ever be good enough?

After all, worrying wouldn't stop the rain.

I do like simplistic things aimed at kids. Sometimes it just makes so much sense. I am sure it is wrong. But I do not feel like debating this.

Today was very stressful. I have not yet got over it. I did good though.
I also enjoyed planning elaborate dinner parties in my head. I had forgotten about these dreams. It used to be my plan to cook a huge meal weekly for special people and then live off the left overs for the week. Tupperware and matching dinner sets are needed for this plan. I really liked the plates we had for lunch today. Mainly because they come in red and yellow and orange and I do think that pretty plates to eat from is much like wearing pretty underwear. It just generally makes life better.

I find it amusing that I could listen to music for 3 months without repeating anything.
I also enjoy iLike and smart playlists and being told what to buy by a random electronic...thing.
I would like dishes that are dark brown to black on the outside and lime green on the inside with textured lines. And then brown(?) cutlery... Hm. I shall think.

I imagined the sea this evening. It wasn't that pretty. There was the breaker wall. And the dark sky and the dark sea and the looming shadows and the scummy water edge and the various dead things washed up on the shore. There was a figure sitting on the wall. I think that was me. I wasn't sure at first, it was just kind of there, so I decided it was mocking me. But actually I think it was just me, stranded.

Currently, I would like to be sleeping. I am still somewhat stressed from today, and am stressing about tomorrow because it looks very busy on paper. I think everything will go wrong. I will not sleep because of the stress-edness and then I will finally sleep around 6am and then fail to get out of bed to go to churchicle with Georgie and therefore fail to go to the gym with her for endorphin releasing fun and then will just get so worked up about the rehearsal that I will chicken out from going and people will be disapointed in me, annoyed, let down and not understand. pah. if this was any other day, I'd turn and walk the other way, today I'll stay not walk away... I try hard to. I also try hard to find reason to. It's hard to do something when you don't know why you're bothering. I do not know what to say to people. I do not want to be around people. I don't much like being alone though. I cannot follow conversations. I get sad when I'm trying to read things because it is just a jumble of words on a page. There is no meaning. Nothing has meaning. But trying to understand and make sense of words is especially frustrating when you have been told to read it. I dinne get it. What makes you think you're meant to get life? I do not know but I think it would be nice. And certainly make it easier to just keep trucking.

Who am I? A lot of the time I fear I have lost myself beneath this dark veil. I don't recognise me. Some days it's only when I think hard, other days it's constant and overwhelming. I'm cruel and heartless, I do not care for other people. I am the centre of the world and that world is worthless. I become so self involved it's disgusting. Yet I can't stop it. I don't think I can even recognise it most of the time. carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters... What does matter? Who actually cares.

This post is muchly disjointed. This is how I feel at the moment. Broken. Tattered. In pieces. Lost. Hopeless. Worthless. Empty. Alone.

From the new coke advert:

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am

That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me



Meh.
It made me stop crying and listen to it for a minute. But now I'm not so convinced.
I don't know why I'm crying. I kinda just want to talk. But I don't know what to say.
I don't fancy facing life tomorrow. I have no reasoning for not having faced it previously. I have to talk to Carol. But no idea what I'll say. I just feel a bit pathetic and useless. Well a lot pathetic.
I like The Sims. It's really good for distraction. But I really shouldn't just play all night. I cannot sleep. I tried to sleep earlier. It's been an hour. I want to go back to sims. I think I shall.
<3

My failings

So I feel like quite a failure right now. I haven't been to classes most of the term, I have no idea what I'm meant to have learned or any motivation to learn it. I don't go out. I have no pal groups. I failed at attending the various social engagements I wanted to at the beginning of the semester. I had plans, I live by plans, but now, I'm lucky if my plan runs to the day ahead and includes getting out of bed. I don't know how I got so low. All I know is right now I feel lifted slightly, and I don't feel like pulling myself down again. So I'm going to go to bed, and see if sleeping comes any easier today.

Baby steps?

So I figure writing this should be good for me. Generally I find writing therapeutic and I guess it's just a good way to get it all out without feeling like your burdening anyone in particular. I went home this afternoon, Glasgow bed is comfier than Edinburgh bed, and I feel like I have more freedom as there are no flat mates to avoid. I don't know why I've been avoiding my flat mates, they're wonderful, I just don't really fancy being around people at the moment, and they aren't quite close enough not to count most of the time. But I am here, I've eaten too much and drank too much hot chocolate and now feel sick and have a monstrous head ache but oh well. There is tv to take my mind off the world. Like it did just then. I just watched Waterloo Road, and then facebook stalked a little bit.
Now it's pretty much the time of night where I start crying uncontrollably. The writing means the tears only want to be there. Plus apparently pain killers make it harder to cry. Strange that. I'm not sure what I want to write about tonight, just wanted to write so will inevitably write a whole load of ramble. No change.
I read this site a lot. It always makes me cry, but I think that's good. I'm still trying to figure out counseling. I don't know why devil women make me so mad. They can see straight into your soul and yet they sit there with their taught expressions and pre-learned phrases, and just look so smug. I think I get angry because I want people to judge me? Maybe not. When I went at uni, 2 weeks ago now, it wasn't even a real counseling session yet I still cried and seethed with rage the entire time. It also caused me to spend the rest of the weekend crying, it had affected me that much. Now, I try to think that this is a good thing, sometimes to get stuff out, it's painful and it's awful at the time but you can come away feeling even just the tinest bit better and it's totally worth it. But this was not like that. Maybe I was just having a bad day. Some days I don't want to talk to anyone, I'll just burst into tears if someone pushes me too far; other days I'm just so wound up that I'll get angry and lash out at someone who challenges me, even to try and get me to do little things like go outside. This kinda unnerves me. I feel so out of control all the time. I'm either overly emotional or irratable and there's nothing I can do about it. I think I turn a lot of difficult emotions into anger because I just don't know how to deal with them.
The other thing thats really been bothering me resently is the fact that I don't really know who I am anymore. I generally don't recognise myself or like this person who I am/have turned into. And it bugs me that other people can still be bothered to be around me, let alone love me. I'm convinced people would be better off without me, at least at the moment, as much as they tell me otherwise. I don't really believe they see the me I want the world to see one day. But then again, I think maybe they are the only ones that do. And that's why they're sticking around. That makes sense I guess. Imagine what you would like your life to look like on a day-to-day basis... Maybe the people who really care are the ones that can see past the gloomy fasade. I'm scared to let people care about me because I think I'll let them down. Silly really. I don't think I deserve to have the people that I do, but I'm scared that they'll give up on me too. I feel lonely, but not totally alone, I know there are pretty amazing people there for me. It makes me feel weak to ask for help, and I feel like I'm asking a lot of some people. It's hard for me but it's hard for them too. I really wish life was more like the sims. I wish it had cheats to gain health or money or love. But if it was easy, I'd be complaining that it was boring. Some people are just never satisfied!

Screaming

Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I need to just write the pain away. It’s not real pain though. Not even real emotional pain. There is no logic to it. I work with logic, it’s what I know, what I understand, what makes me feel safe. This emptiness, anger and desperation I’m feeling now cannot be attributed to anything. It just engulfs me with its darkness. This is what makes it so unnerving and so hard to deal with. I cannot see myself as anything other than a failure and have no idea of ways in which I could fail less. I get angry because I don’t know how I let myself get so lost. I completely blame myself. Sometimes I think that I’ve talked myself into feeling like this so that failing at life is allowed; or something along those lines. I have a vivid imagination. I can make myself believe anything. A lot of the time I don’t know where reality stops and dreams begin.
Why do we need scapegoats for everything? Why do I feel like if I could only blame how I’m feeling on something, I could move on? Are we all just weak, unable to stand up on our own two feet we use people and ‘stuff’ as a crutch and when we fall we assume that our crutch slipped. Did it collapse? Or was the ground uneven? Do we blame our circumstance, or our helpers? I can’t blame either. My situation is dandy, and the people that I lean on really do hold me up. Therefore it seems obvious to blame myself. And so starts the self-destructive spiral.
I constantly feel not good enough. I am a perfectionist. I am guilty of all or nothing thinking. I bully myself into feeling worthless. I try to control the uncontrollable, instead of accepting the uncertainty and living with it. There are other things. They make me feel like a pathetic excuse for a person. This is me effectively building a darkened room in the hope that it will swallow me up and I will just become a distant memory. I’m trying hard to keep the door wedged open, but it’s a fire door, and I’m too weak to stand against it’s strength for long. And so then I crash. And my all or nothing way of thinking makes me think I’m back at the beginning again. Baby steps they say. I’m better at the long jump.
Challenge: Imagine what you would like your life to look like on a day-to-day basis. Way too hard. I used to do this all the time. I’d spent hours in my fantasy lands dreaming of ways I’d spend the next 40 years. But on a day-to-day basis? That’s totally different. What would I like my life to be if getting out of bed in the mornings wasn’t such a huge challenge in itself? I’m really quite afraid of that question, and have no idea how to go about tackling it. I’m still wallowing in self-pity. I fell again. I’ve not gone too deep but I feel like there’s a lid on me, stopping these feelings from getting out.
Bottom line is, I really don’t know what is going on. I’m really bad at sticking to things, and putting in the time and effort I should. I need a lot of help and I think I’m scared to ask for it. I worry about being generally annoying and a burden to the people that are trying to take care of me. I also worry that they will give up on me. I’ve been close to giving up on me so why shouldn’t they? In a way I’m angry that they are sticking around. But I think that’s just fear that they can still leave.