After all, worrying wouldn't stop the rain.

I do like simplistic things aimed at kids. Sometimes it just makes so much sense. I am sure it is wrong. But I do not feel like debating this.

Today was very stressful. I have not yet got over it. I did good though.
I also enjoyed planning elaborate dinner parties in my head. I had forgotten about these dreams. It used to be my plan to cook a huge meal weekly for special people and then live off the left overs for the week. Tupperware and matching dinner sets are needed for this plan. I really liked the plates we had for lunch today. Mainly because they come in red and yellow and orange and I do think that pretty plates to eat from is much like wearing pretty underwear. It just generally makes life better.

I find it amusing that I could listen to music for 3 months without repeating anything.
I also enjoy iLike and smart playlists and being told what to buy by a random electronic...thing.
I would like dishes that are dark brown to black on the outside and lime green on the inside with textured lines. And then brown(?) cutlery... Hm. I shall think.

I imagined the sea this evening. It wasn't that pretty. There was the breaker wall. And the dark sky and the dark sea and the looming shadows and the scummy water edge and the various dead things washed up on the shore. There was a figure sitting on the wall. I think that was me. I wasn't sure at first, it was just kind of there, so I decided it was mocking me. But actually I think it was just me, stranded.

Currently, I would like to be sleeping. I am still somewhat stressed from today, and am stressing about tomorrow because it looks very busy on paper. I think everything will go wrong. I will not sleep because of the stress-edness and then I will finally sleep around 6am and then fail to get out of bed to go to churchicle with Georgie and therefore fail to go to the gym with her for endorphin releasing fun and then will just get so worked up about the rehearsal that I will chicken out from going and people will be disapointed in me, annoyed, let down and not understand. pah. if this was any other day, I'd turn and walk the other way, today I'll stay not walk away... I try hard to. I also try hard to find reason to. It's hard to do something when you don't know why you're bothering. I do not know what to say to people. I do not want to be around people. I don't much like being alone though. I cannot follow conversations. I get sad when I'm trying to read things because it is just a jumble of words on a page. There is no meaning. Nothing has meaning. But trying to understand and make sense of words is especially frustrating when you have been told to read it. I dinne get it. What makes you think you're meant to get life? I do not know but I think it would be nice. And certainly make it easier to just keep trucking.

Who am I? A lot of the time I fear I have lost myself beneath this dark veil. I don't recognise me. Some days it's only when I think hard, other days it's constant and overwhelming. I'm cruel and heartless, I do not care for other people. I am the centre of the world and that world is worthless. I become so self involved it's disgusting. Yet I can't stop it. I don't think I can even recognise it most of the time. carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters... What does matter? Who actually cares.

This post is muchly disjointed. This is how I feel at the moment. Broken. Tattered. In pieces. Lost. Hopeless. Worthless. Empty. Alone.