New Years

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time we reflect on all the events of the last year. We resolve to let go of the things we don’t want and hope to find a way to get more of what we do want. However, it’s never that clear cut. How would we know what we want if we don’t experience some of what we do not like? Like sunshine or rain. It can sometimes be trial and error.
This year, instead of making any bold commitments to a fresh start that will ultimately be foiled come February, I really want to just figure out what to leave behind this year and what I want to take into the New Year and therefore how I can create the best me I can be.

Leave behind:
» Complaining  

» Feeling guilty

» Lack of outlook on life

» Negativity 
» Not believing in myself 
» Putting everyone else first 
» Saying yes and regretting it later 
» Unhealthy eating 
Why? Because these things do not help me build and maintain relationships. If I leave them behind I will be able to really live in each moment and appreciate the beauty around me.

Take with: 
» Allowing my emotions to flow through me

» Appreciating my creativity 

» Being authentic 
» Compassion 
» Deep listening 
» Experience to guide me 
» Feeling passion 
» Sharing wisdom  
Why? Because I am awesome and deserve some credit. Emotions are necessary, they are my friend, I shouldn't bottle them up until they condense into anger and self hatred. Allowing myself to feel is one of the most painful things I accomplished this year, feeling passion is deep, raw and real - I shouldn't hide from it. I also have a lot to offer, my story is not a solitary one, I must share my experience of deep pain with others. 


Create: 
» Acceptance of myself 
» Appreciation for my personal growth 
» Cultivate my creativity
» Create abundance for myself and others
» Eat healthier 

» Exercise regularly 

» Listening to my inner voice

» Meditation Time 
» Nurturing self care 
» Opportunity for fun 
» Spiritual connection 
Why? Because if I want to be healthy, happy and fun I have to accept myself, warts and all. My body knows how to look after itself, I need to listen to it more. I want to meditate regularly to teach myself to love each moment of this life I'm blessed with, even when the downs seem to have no end. I hope that in becoming more accepting of, and kind to, myself, I might reconnect with God, but I'm not going to wait and see. I'll attack it from all angles. 



I’d love to hear some of the things that you want to leave behind as well as what you want for your new year. What’s truly important to you now?

Stupid safari.

So I had a nice long post, with beautiful winter thinspo, and then safari dies and blogger doesn't save it. Rubbish.

I made gingerbread cupcakes

and gingerbread people to decorate them with.

The Christmas expansion has begun. I can feel it. My legs swelling, my stomach bloated, my body retching, hating me for what I'm doing to it. By next year, I will be able to wear oversized sweaters and it will be beautiful. For now though, I'm just doing damage control. I can't weigh myself until the 28th when I am able to go back to my flat and go to the gym. It's probably good, means I'm not freaking out about my weight every morning. But I know I'm going to have gained so much. Being at my parent's means there is always food available, and always food cooked for me. I love cooking, I miss it. I obsessively weigh each ingredient and count calories while I'm making things. For instance, one miniature gingerbread man is about 50 cals, and a cupcake, 175. It's like trivia. It's fun, and keeps my mind working. It's also a secret though. So I baked to keep my mind active. I made 12 cupcakes - one for daddy, one for Megan who I'm meeting for coffee in the morning, six for Sarah, and that leaves four for the first four people I see. There's a lot of gingerbread men and women, I only baked half of the batch. I'm not too sure what to do with them. I will probably end up taking the rest to Andrew's family on boxing day along with the white chocolate and cranberry cupcakes I plan to make. They sound so beautiful in my head, I hope they work. I'll be using white chocolate liqueur and white chocolate chunks in the cake and then a very dark chocolate cream topping with white chocolate stars on top.

Tomorrow:

breakfast: a couple of sips of milk, maybe 1/2 a banana

lunch: black coffee, satsuma

dinner: Wagamama's with the family. I'll probably order a salad or a rice dish.

Easy. Time for a quick workout before bed. x

Beauty

Next year I will wear oversized knitwear - and I will look stunning in it.
The Christmas expansion has begun. I am not weighing myself until the 28th when I can get back to my flat and the gym so for now I am just trying to limit the damage. I can feel it though. I am wearing my sweatpants, my stomach is constantly bloated. Don't feel comfortable in my tiny jeans any more. I am swelling. It's disgusting.
At home there is just so much food availible to me, and I don't get to cook any of my own which makes me uneasy. I love cooking, I love weighing each individual ingredient and counting the calories. When I don't get to do that, the anxiety skyrockets. So tonight, I made some cupcakes to keep me entertained and keep me from eating anything in the fridge. Tomorrow I'm going to make some cream cheese frosting for them.

I made gingerbread cupcakes

and miniature gingerbread people to decorate them.

The people are going to be decorated in yellow and red and white. The boys are going to have braces because I love braces. Some of them will have santa hats. I made twelve - six for Sarah, one for Megan, one for daddy

We wear the mask.

    We wear the mask that grins and lies,
    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
    This debt we pay to human guile;
    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
    And mouth with myriad subtleties.

    Why should the world be over-wise,
    In counting all our tears and sighs?
    Nay, let them only see us, while
            We wear the mask.

    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
    To thee from tortured souls arise.
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
    But let the world dream otherwise,
            We wear the mask!

                                 (Dunbar, 1896)

Why do we waste so much energy in concealing how we really feel? Hiding what we think for fear of hurting someone else's feelings that they have concealed from us. Wouldn't things be so much simpler if we all just took off our masks and stripped off our ball gowns, walked away from the masquerade. Instead were left standing in front of each other - naked, broken, honest. I hide my scars because I hate to see the pain in their eyes when they see the pain in my soul. Why do we all pretend to be so together, to have it sorted, when we are all so broken inside? Or is it just me? Only my body that's marked with the hatred of my soul; only my heart that longs so much to love; only my head that tells me I'm fat, ugly, and worthless; only my hands that shake with longing; only my eyes that search for a beacon in this chaos. I need this pain to be shared. I need to know it's not just mine. It's too large a responsibility for just one back to be broken under.

So what?

I can hear whispers on the wind,
Sweet whispers of a life I knew
Interwoven with lies, filled with deceit
Turning my heart deeps shades of blue.

Those whispers haunt my sleepless nights
And etch away at my dreamless days.
Whispers of inconsistent memories,
Yet not one ever stays.

Shut them out, close the door
Hush the whispers, silence the tears
This is it, there's nothing more
A life half-lived in the darkness

Make them believe the smile they see
They don't need to suffer anymore.
A mask, a disguise, pretend to be
A better version of me.

Whale of a girl.

I feel so huge.
I tired to go on a diet, it didn't work. Eating at all makes me eat lots. I tried a 'good mood' diet. I hate eating. It made me gain weight and feel so full. Too many carbs. Half the time I freaked out and was sick. The other half I switched between feeling proud of myself for eating and feeling like a fat failure.
I'm not going to make it past 140 for Christmas. I'm not okay with it. It's like my entire worth as a human being is dictated by that number on the scale. It's ridiculous. It shouldn't be like this.

I'm home for the holidays. Warm house, loving cats. I brought my work out dvds so I don't worry too much about not going to the gym. It started to snow again last night. Good old snow. It's not yet thick enough to play in but I'm hopeful. Today I'm going to "dance my body thin" for an hour or two then do some reading. Going to Wagamamas tonight for dinner before a concert and then free wine and buffet. Tofu salad for dinner and then I'm going to stick to one glass of wine, if any, and not touch the buffet. If I start I won't stop. I do not know what moderation is. I have no control over myself. If I don't eat, I'm in control. I know what to do, how it works. If I don't touch food, I'll be fine.

This is what I want to be.
Oversized jumpers, oversized smiles.
Nothing else matters.
From Sofia's blog :)

Mondays task: Christmas shopping. It's such a huge task to have been left to the week before Christmas for someone who freaks out when the streets are only slightly crowded. I'm trying to stay calm. I've written lists, I know what shops to go into, tomorrow I'm going to write a plan of where to go when. Military precision to minimize anxiety. Listing, alphabetizing, cross referencing. Everything needs to be planned.

Labeled.

I cling to my label, my 'depression and anxiety disorder', my go to excuse. I am currently not depressed, I am doing pretty well. I don't know whether that's the meds, or the end of exams, or perhaps a mixture. But I can't take an attack on my condition. It's become my definition. My friend just gave me a rather demoralizing pep talk. She was half right. She reckons I just need to grow some balls and get better friends and all my problems would be fixed. Thing is, my self confidence is so low that that's not so easy. I would have understood it from someone I'm closer to, someone who sees my good and my bad, but I just feel she is not that person. Apparently I'm too angry to construct a coherent argument. One of the reason that my friends don't know about this blog is because I was bored of burdening them with my problems because it gives the impression that I'm entirely negative. I hate moaning but I do it a lot. I'm a bag full of contradictions.

I have no reference. I don't know how to function, or what's normal.

I'm beginning to think that maybe I can't be happy in the relationship I'm in. I love Andrew. Don't get me wrong. But I don't know if it's healthy. He reminds me of how ill I was, and how much better I am now. But he also always blames my 'illness' and doesn't push me to be the best me I can be.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." (E. E. Cummings) 
Who am I? I have defined myself in relation to other people for too long, maybe I need some time on my own. I just don't know.

Bella's right, we are all so lost sometimes. I feel like I've been lost for too many years though. I've had my share of lost. I want to go home. Please let me go home.
How can I long for something when I don't know what it is? There must be another way. There must be something more. There must.

Noone can help me get out of this mess. They have made that quite clear. But what should I do? First I tried a change of scenery, that didn't work - my body turned on me and left me in an unfamiliar hospital bed thousands of miles away. I tried university, new projects, new friends. I still became lower than ever. This cloud keeps following me. I sound melodramatic. I don't mean to be. I just feel so trapped. Maybe it is just a case of me needing to man-up and get on with it. I've applied to go abroad next year, to New Zealand or Australia. It could make or break me but I really want it. I think.

I long to dream again.

Barry: Thanks for stopping by, and for your concern. I'm not anorexic. Mainly a depressive with low self-confidence and body issues. I was asking for advice on meds just incase anyone else had been on them too, or could help me order my thoughts before going to speak to my doctor.

uuuuuurrrrrrrrrgh

So there are some people who I can take an attack on my mentalnes

Quick, don't let the light escape!

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. (John 1:5) 

Today, I had sushi, leek and mushroom maki. It was yummy. Tomorrow I'm going to start a new diet (or restart an old one) - the good mood diet. It involves lots of brain foods to stimulate your serotonin and hopefully help me to feel more mentally stable. It also is specially designed to work with antidepressants and suppress appetite/stop binges.



Barry - Thanks for your concern, I'm not anorexic but I do go through phases of disordered eating, have low self esteem and poor body image. I was asking for advice as a sort of conversation with myself. In the hope that maybe someone else had been on the same ones. As a precursor to talking it through with my doctor. I'm scared of people you see.

Once.

Once I was fearless, going up against the world.

Optimistic, seeing all the reasons for good through the darkness.

I could live through anything, 

Where, where did that go? 

(The Rocket Summer)

Today I've spent a lot of time thinking rather than studying. I am obsessing and unable to concentrate on my school work, I wonder whether to let my tutor know because I'm 'sick', or whether this is what a 'normal' person feels. My mood has been all over the place today. Happy/sad/angry/scared/frustrated/lonely/hurting. Most of all I'm hurting. I yearn for something more but I don't know what it is. I'm on antidepressants at the moment, mitrazapine, and I have to go back to the doctor at the end of the week to asses how they have been over the last month and increase the dosage. They have been good because they make me sleep, and I have been generally calmer but I oversleep, and I'm constantly drug-induced drowsy. Things used to be sharp. Now all the boundaries have been blurred. The bright lights don't scare me, but nothing is crisp. It's a little like the worlds been slowed down for me to appreciate it's beauty and yet that which was beautiful is past its best. Spoilt by my gaze. They also make me BINGE. I never used to loose control so much. It's like a dream, I see myself guzzling food from the outside. I shout at the shadow of myself to stop but my voice is muffled. And then I see myself in the bathroom mirror, head hung over the toilet, and I wonder how I got there. I wonder how I got here.

Earlier today I was ready to say goodbye to my depression. I was ready to walk away from it. But now, now I don't know what I want again. I am going to a healing service tomorrow, I'm slightly terrified but I am going with the hope that I'll have space to work through things in my head. I need direction. I don't want to be sad and lonely. I want to be skinny, fun-loving, and popular. Geez do I wish I was popular. I'm still the geek, still the looser. Can it ever get better?

Does anybody have any advice about antidepressants? I've been on Prozac and Veneflaxitine before.
I think I might just like the idea of being on medication. Like it's glamourous. It validates my struggles and my pain. It reminds me that I am sick, not just weak. But I don't know to what extent that's true. I'm just a girl playing make believe. I need to want to be better. I don't think I do. But I need to for him.
I've started pushing everybody away. I don't want them to come in. I don't want them to care about me. I'll only hurt them.

I've been holding my breath,

I want something to live for.

I wanna make you proud,

I want something to live for.

Christmas Presents

My Christmas present to myself is to be in the 130s my Christmas day. I want to get past that 140 barrier that's holding me back.

Thanks for all your encouragement on my last post. My exam was fine, my concert went well and I had a good time out with old friends on Saturday night. I haven't eaten anything solid since Friday breakfast. I don't have any lunch/dinner commitments until Thursday so I'm going to keep this up until then. Just low fat yoghurt, skim milk and a lot of coffee. I think I'll try to cut back on the coffee though. I've got loads of diet Irn Bru so I think I'll make a start on that.

I half want to write something deep and meaningful, half don't really have anything to say. I think I'll leave it at that for now. Short and boring.

Peace.x

The panic has set in.

First exam is tomorrow morning and I am shitting it.
Had my first panic attack since I started on these new drugs today. I planned to pop down to Superdrug to pick up some essentials and get in a bit of exercise as a study break but the streets were full of Christmas shoppers, darting in and out, getting in my way. I couldn't see a path, my vision blurred, my lungs froze, a vice like fist around my heart, tears streaming down my face.
It has totally unhinged me. I've not managed to do anything productive since.

The boy is also spying on me. I left my computer out and then came back into the room to find him searching through my browsing history, looking at all the sites I've visited, including this blog. I was so angry. I can't quite explain why, it's just like a breach of privacy, if he wanted to know something why can't he ask me? No need to snoop.

Right now it's 5pm and freezing, I've just sat here for an hour and a half not really doing anything. I am going to put more clothes on and then try and learn some more things. I can't eat, it suits me fine. I hope I can sleep tonight, the weekend is hectic.

Another mobile upload, from before the snow.
A crisp Autumn morning.

I love...

You, for reading my ramblings.
I love comments, seems really geeky but it's kind of nice to know that someone somewhere is reading my inside voice and not judging me. It's especially nice at the moment because things which the boy are pretty ropey. I feel like lately there's been this big wall between us. We hang out all the time but we don't know lots of the little details of each others lives like we used to. I think this is partly just because we both have exams and are stressed but I worry that it's something more. Last month we had a huge fight and went 'on a break', after that we talked about most things and it was better. The main thing he was upset about was me not telling him when I self-harmed or had a cigarette. He felt like I was lying to him. Which I do understand on some level, but also, the self-harm, it's not like I want to cut myself. Same with purging. Just, when I'm low I obsess about it and resist for so long and then I just can't hold back any longer and I loose myself...

Sunset at 3pm

Went to see Harry Potter last night with said boy. It was a really good film. I over did it a bit with the chocolate coins but that's okay. I just need to learn some self control. Say no first, then I don't want more. We went to Nandos for dinner first. I haven't actually been in the UK before. I find it strange how they are like a fastfood place that serves food on plates. I had a Mediterranean Salad with some chicken. It was drenched in oil but quite yummy. My calorie intake yesterday was probably around 900-1000 (because I had 2 lunches as well, greedy cow). Net was only around 200 though so I'm trying to stay positive. The scale was kind this morning convincing me not to fast. I've just had my cereal, I'll have a salad for lunch with chicken and egg white and then my left over veggie curry for dinner with a bit of brown rice.

Right now I really need to get on with studying. I'm going to make a cup of green tea and then go join my flat mate in our freezing living room with our books.

Love

Little is lovely.

The less I eat recently, the better I feel. After a weekend of binges I'm back on track. I had a fudge bar this morning and wish I hadn't but it's okay. It was delicious. It didn't give me more energy though, not in the way an apple would have. So I have bought some apples for tomorrow. I love apples, they're so crunchy and juicy and filling.

Yesterday's photo:

St Giles Cathedral

There was a blizzard, I wrapped up super warm and braved the outside world and slipped my way into the city center. This is on the Royal Mile. I walk past it every day on the way to school but I never bother to look at it, it's just another old building. I like they way the snow accents it's edges and makes a million straight, ordered lines. Picture is poor quality because I took it on my mobile, sorry.

The snow means Tesco is continually out of bread. Instead I found Ryvita Crackerbread which is delicious! They're 19 calories each and make a lovely treat. The boy likes them with Nutella and a bit of fruit, I just take the fruit, amazing.

I've got to run, practicing for an Alternative Christmas Service with our gospel choir. It's super fun, we're singing some Mariah Carey among other things. There will be mince pies which I hate and plenty tea. Can't wait.

LittleLove.

New Outlook

I'm done wallowing. I'm going to take positive steps to make my life the one I always wanted.

This week, I'm going to start small. I need to be able to achieve.

So, every day this week, I am going to do...

Exercise:
100 sit-ups
50 squats
60 minute walk to uni and back
(anything else is a bonus and will be celebrated as a positive achievement)

Eating
5 portions of fruit or veg
8 glasses of water
No eating after 7pm
Make low cal choices
(Ideally I will still be sticking to 700 cals a day)

Joy
Listen to Christmas tunes when I wake up
Meditate
Appreciate beauty around me with a daily photo challenge.
(In general I plan to be kind to myself and do the best that I can in the present moment which may not be perfection but is a great achievement and should be recognized.)


These are my baby steps to happiness.
Looking at them all written down, they seem like a lot of things, but I can do it. I'll try and post every day with lots of ticks, and some smidgens of joy courtesy of the baby Jesus.
Wish me luck.
x

Mess.

Oh God, I'm a mess.
I went to the doctor's on friday, I thought I was just going to get a new prescription but no, she decided she wanted to psychoanalyze me. urrgh. She has decided I have a personality disorder. Fair enough, but not a very helpful diagnosis. I'm so lost and confused. I know that I have to make the move to make myself better but I just feel like there are so many other things I am expected to do at the same time.

In a selfish way, I don't want to be 'healthy'. At least with my diagnosis I have an excuse. I have no idea what I can achieve anymore. I have no idea at what stage my emotions and interpretations of the world cross the line from 'normal' to mental. I know sitting on the bathroom floor is not normal but am I just being a drama queen? I have so many doubts. I wish I had never sought help. It's only confused me. These new drugs make me so uncontrollable sometimes. I did really well with my eating during the week, no more than 700 calories and plenty walking, but then I went to the doctor and just left feeling so angry/upset/betrayed/suicidal/pissed. I went to stay with my friend for the weekend and she's been looking after me really well. Which includes feeding me. Last night we had Chinese. Today went okay during the day, I have no idea how many cals because I wasn't cooking, but mostly veg. Had chocolate too (a whole tube of pink smarties, bliss) and tonight I was just so hungry, despite the 3 meals I've had today. I ate THREE bowls of cereal. I have no idea why.  Feel so bloated. Going to do some sit ups.

My friend though, is amazing. I have exams and she is helping me study, and giving me a warm house, and many meals. She doesn't mind me crying on her every few hours, and reminds me that I'm actually doing quite well with my studying. Wonderful.

Love x

Hello December

It is the beginning of commercial advent, the mythic one made up by the advent calenders that I love all the same. 
I can feel Christmas joy creeping up in my soul, filling it with celestial light.

The decorations are going up in study breaks, I'm on day 3 of my Christmas diet (inspired by heather[hunger]) and it's going well. I was 10st 2 this morning. That's the tiniest I've been in ages. 

"But you know happiness can be found in the darkest of time, when one only remembers to turn on the light." - Albus Dumbledore

Home for the weekend.

Glasgow is beautiful in winter.

My face is tired, my soul is weary, but deep down, a fire is burning. It's been flickering for a while, but never quite igniting. A candle where there once was a furnace. When kindled by love, surely it can grow? I wish so much to believe that my story will not continue in misery. That one day I will be healthy and be thankful for the darkness I've gone through because it has made me into the beautifully broken human being that is loved by so many people. Will I be able to believe that this really has shaped me, all of it, that I am stronger and wiser for the paths I've walked, the road less traveled. I would like to close this chapter of my life, and continue the next with more laughter, more life. 

My life is a story of surprises and grace and hope coming back, of conversations and moments that feel like miracles.

Conscience whispers, but interest screams aloud.

It has been a hell of a week. I have been totally out of control and that terrifies me. I have taken the night off to try and compose myself before the week ahead. I think I'll fill you in with what has been first.


Sunday. Robert died. He was amazing. One of the most wonderful, hilarious, frustrating, faithful and brave men I've ever known. He spent his last week in hospital fighting an infection but didn't make it through. We were never close. I don't think he even knew my name. But his death really hit me. I felt almost guilty for being sad. He was young, I knew him through the Church of Scotland NYA. My friends were closer with him and so I felt pressure to be the right amount of sad around them. I made it about me. It's not about me. It's about living and 'giving it a go'. Sleep well Robert.


Monday. My doctor put me on new medication, it makes me sleep which is good but also makes me eat like crazy. I've had chocolate, cake and carbs galore. I keep eating until I throw up and then eating some more. Disgusting beast. I have put on 4kg and am noticeably fatter around the middle.


Tuesday-Thursday. Were a blur, spent sleeping, eating and wallowing in sadness. Late for class and not doing enough preparation. Always stressing and comfort eating then purging then eating some more.


Friday. I had therapy in the morning. I went in, late because the drugs make me so sleepy, and slightly nervous about it but overall feeling quite positive (the last session had gone badly because I couldn't stop crying and froze and couldn't say anything which makes it quite pointless). Before long, however, I was drawing blanks. I just had no answers for the questions asked. I don't know why I find it so hard. It's so frustrating. I want to get better. I want to help myself. I just can't. After half an hour my therapist discharged me from her services back to the GP to try "other options". I pointed out that I had tried all the other options, she said to just see how the new drugs worked out. I don't feel like this is the best solution but at least I don't have to feel like I'm wasting her time anymore. I got really angry at the time; I shouted, stormed out and then collapsed outside unable to stop crying. 


Weekend. I had my rock-gospel choir concert on Friday night, I went home with my parents after it instead of to the pub. The snow began. It was heavy and beautiful. On Saturday I celebrated Thanksgiving with a selection of wonderful people. I stayed over and tried to suck up all the love I could before coming back to Edinburgh this evening.


That was a very long catch up of my week. Next week I plan not to eat so much and to get to the gym.
Tomorrow, I am going to stock up on safe foods to eat when I have drug induced munchies. 


Things I can eat as much as I want:
apples 
carrots


Things I am going to have in meals:
cod
mushrooms
broccoli
spinach


I have written tomorrows plan and taken my drug, now just to pack my bag for tomorrow and tidy my room a little then bed around 10.


Goodnight xx

New Rules?

Oh gosh.
Today has been a good day, but not from an academic point of view.
Fast went well, gym was great: rowing, running and cross-training, couldn't do weights because it was too busy but I'm going to do them now.
It's my flatmate's birthday so we're making cakes. I'm going to go to bed before I have to eat any but tomorrow we're having a surprise party and cake galore. I'm looking forward to it in a guilty kind of way. I want to stick to my meal plan but I don't want to be anti social and I really want to eat cake. I just have to be careful not to binge. We're making secret pink cupcakes, brownies and a giant rocky road cake for the candles. All decorated with pink sparkles. I hope it will be fun, she's had a bit of a miserable day today, I feel so guilty!

Tomorrow I am going to go to the gym first thing, then have hot porridge and apple, and then go to the open surgery at the doctors before 10. On my way home I'm going to print all my readings for next week so I can get started on them. Next week I'm determined to be prepared. It's the last week of term before revision week (I think) and then exams are coming. I need to get on top of things. I'm so overwhelmed by the workload but I just have to push through.

I managed to get out the door this morning by reading lots of blogs but then I got to the outside world and was sad that it was not as safe and warm as my internet hide-away life. I didn't go to class and didn't actually leave until 1.30pm to go to my lecture. Then gym and then home to chill. As I said, good for the soul, bad for the academics with 2 classes missed and no homework done. I'll make it up next week. Or at least try and make next week work.

This is somewhat disjointed, I am not really paying attention to what I am writing. Calories in: 25 (coffee); calories out: 520. Tomorrow I'm aiming for 200 but I don't know what will happen with the cakes. I'm trying to to stress about it too much.
I'm going to try not having my laptop in my room so much so I can't spend hours going on different blogs before I go to sleep and then not sleep all night. I'm going to go to bed at 10pm and SLEEP. Or try to.

Goodnight :) xx

choose with no regret

Today was a bit of a fail day and quite wasted. I went to the disability office, nothing had changed - still waiting for a letter from my doctor. I went to the library to try and get my work done, didn't manage - finished the reading but not note taking or hand in. I went to therapy, I cried for the first time in a while, didn't manage to get anywhere though - mainly got pissed off and frustrated because I didn't know the answer or couldn't listen for long enough to hear the question. Discovered I do not want to take responsibility for myself and find it very difficult to make decisions, not really a break through. Finally I went to the hospital to see the hand surgeon. Apparently my symptoms don't fit nicely into any box (which I knew) and the xrays showed health bones. I am now on another 3 month waiting list to see a nerve specialist who won't be able to do anything about the pain but maybe the pins and needles. Fail.
So all this happened and then I got home at 9.30pm after going out for dinner with my dad and eating an entire plate of burger and chips because I was so frustrated. I haven't done my work for the morning. I haven't even thought about the presentation I have to do tomorrow afternoon. Fuck it.

Right now I just feel like I need to sleeeeeeeeeeeep.
I'm going to go to my morning class and make up an excuse for not doing my hand in which will probably involve hospitals then spend my 3 hour gap doing my reading and writing a presentation. Then I can come home at 4, write my hand in and email it to my tutor. I'm going to fast tomorrow because I feel so full of crap. Green tea, water and probably coffee because I am not sleeping well and need the energy. Gym in the morning. I didn't go to netball today, gutted about that, I didn't even get my work done instead. It was going okay, I was only on 165 calories until I went out with my dad tonight. I just couldn't stop. I ate so quickly. It was disgusting. But I couldn't leave any. I just kept going. When I got home I nearly ate everything in the cupboards too. Ended up just eating a cup cake but I had looked at the ice cream, the jar of nutella, the boxes of biscuits, pasta, sweetcorn, everything, I just couldn't stop thinking about it all. I couldn't purge because everyone was milling around so now my stomach just feels so full and horrible.
I'm at 66.7kg tonight. It keeps going up. I was at 64 on Saturday and it all just piling straight back on. I'm so angry with myself.

I'm also sick of being sad. I want to be a normal student, out having fun, drinking, laughing, dancing. I want to be confident and glowing. I was at the start of term but now I just flinch and nearly cry if anyone looks at me let alone talk to me. I feel like such a failure.

I've just ranted in a self centered manner for quite a while, sorry about that.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I am going to fast, work-out and celebrate my flatmate's birthday.

Hope you have a good tomorrow. Let me know. x

You grab my hand when I am trying to run away.

Tell me now, what are you singing about?

Today was a bad day from before 9am.
I haven't finished my reading. I've been so tired all day. I keep staring in procrastination and doing nothing.
I failed at getting ready on time to go to the gym at 8 so I had to go after class, meaning I missed out on some study time later. Then my friend called me and asked me out to lunch pretty much as soon as I got in so I went out, lost another 2 hours study time, and all of a sudden it was 4pm and I hadn't done anything. And then there was Rev, that was fun, but means its now late at night and I'm not ready to go to sleep.

I feel like all I've been doing recently is moan moan moan. But I don't even have any inclination to change. I just feel so generally shit and then feel guilty for thinking I feel shit when I have good hours. I don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with the disability office at uni, then therapy, then a hospital appointment in the evening. I am so stressed out about it all. I haven't been meditating,  I haven't managed to fill in my worksheet, I haven't got a clue what to say to the hospital people. I just want to give up. But I am so close to getting help. Maybe if I can just keep going one more day someone will be able to help.

My friend gave me a leaflet for the Christian Fellowship of Healing, I'd like to make it to one of their meetings but I am so terrified. I am not good at new situations but at the same time I don't have any friends I feel I could take with me. I think I might leave it a couple of weeks and go to their evening service, once Rev is done for the semester.

I can't wait for the holidays. I'm burning out. I want time just to do my studies but I feel I have a million other things demanding my time. In reality there's only one or two and I'm not doing anything about anyway, but the thought of them paralyses me.

I still haven't cried. My face is burning with the tears that should be there. Why is it trying to be so strong? I'm going to go to bed and read my book, see if that can make me feel. I just feel like I don't care. But I know I must, because I'm still going. I don't know why or how.

New Blog

I am exhausted and so not time to write much.

I have moved my blog, I have decided that this is no longer a place for my friends to stalk me and be nosy. It is a place where I need to be able to be totally honest. So that is what I have made it again. At first it was a blog to reach out, to try and make people recognize my demons and understand. Now they are my friends, my dragons that I snuggle up to until I realize that they have me in a death grip and are stripping my soul from this world.

Today I am just so confused. I can't cry. I feel like I'm crying but my eyes are definitely dry. I lie all the time. I tell people I'm miserable, I tell myself I'm miserable. Really I'm doing just fine. I'm just lazy.
I don't want to be lazy anymore.

My bum fits in my size 10 jeans which makes me happy. I've lost about a stone and am starting to feel the difference.

Today:
Cigarettes: ZERO
Coffee: NONE
Self Injury: Not at all.
Calories in: 465
Calories out (gym): 470

Tomorrow I'm going to be home all afternoon. My flatmate made chocolate cupcakes that are all just sitting out in the kitchen. I can't stop thinking about them, but I don't want to eat one. I am not going to give in. I just need to think about the stodge and the icky heavy feeling and I don't want it anymore. I do hope they go away soon though. I will treat it as a test of my will power. I will be strong, I am a strong independent woman.

The boy is back on the scene, I find it hard to articulate what I want, and this makes it hard. I also find it impossible to play to his demands. He want's me to be more honest and try harder in our relationship. Not too hard on the surface of things. But I am trying, and I am honest, I just didn't know how to tell him that I'd started cutting again. It's not exactly the kind of thing I want to go around shouting about. He says that I need to tell him how I am trying, but I am not exactly the kind of person who goes about blowing my own trumpet. I work through small random acts of kindness. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard enough.

I have lost sight of who I am, and why I am. I want to find God. I want Him to use me. I want to be alive. I want to feel like I have time to try.

I just feel so bogged down with school work that I never have any time for myself. And I shouldn't be. I have a tiny workload compared to other people, I just cannot cope and I'd like to blame my mentalness but when I asked for help they are pretty convinced that I'm fine. I hate that noone cares to help until you're in the A&E having your stomach pumped for the second time that week. It makes me really angry.

But I must step away from that anger. It is time for some core exercises then sleeping. I'll crunch out the anger.

Postulate.

I have a confession, I have no idea what the word postulate means. I may have just written a lot of words about it but I still don't get it. Same with many things in life. I've been doing them for ages, but I don't know how or why.

I'm starting to fret because I haven't done my therapy homework. But my 'auto pilot' has been pretty sane this week. I will make something up on Tuesday. If I can't think of something.

I need to get to sleep. I'm not tired though. I woke up at 5am but for some reason I am still pretty content.

Tomorrow, is a new day, a new week. 

I am going to stop drinking coffee (except for the occasional Starbucks/in places that have bad tea)

I think I might save the cigarettes until the packet is done though. I like carrying them round, it's a comfort thing. In the same way that just knowing there are sharp objects in my bag makes the day easier. Smoking's more widely acceptable, and makes you friends.
I am also thinking about food too much. 

I am going to go shopping. I only have bread, pasta and ice cream in my house. Not exactly nutritious.

Tomorrow I will just buy some fruit and essentials, but by Tuesday I am going to have a list of recipes and shopping.

I am going to go to the gym lots again this week, I loved that about last week, I managed to go before class most days and then felt better about the day.
I want to look fabulous. 

I must make myself believe that I am stronger than my depression. I want to be done being held down by it but it has become my companion. If I try too hard to free myself from it I worry I will loose a part of myself. But at the same time I miss who I used to be, who I really am.

I want to smile and laugh and love and glow like I used to.

"Nobody seems to hear
Till I scream and shout
Even if you tie me down
And you blow my candle out

I'll still glow
I'll still glow
I'll be the perfect someone that you'll never know
I'll still glow!"

Take me as I am ‘cause there’s no guarantee I’ll ever change

I have amazing friends.
Truly amazing.


This morning I had no hope. I could not get out of bed. I didn't want to see the day. I felt utterly useless. Unable to achieve anything.
Tree called me. She made me write out a plan for the day, talked me through how to get up, what to wear, what to eat, what to pack. She called me every 1/2 hour to make sure I was on track until I got out and to the library. It was not a good morning. Or afternoon by that point. I spent the next 2 hours trying to cry subtly and look busy so noone would notice me. Then we had tea and she produced flowers for me to put on my desk and remind me that life's not that bad. It did the trick. I went back to my desk with my yellow flowers and felt quietly smug when people stared.
I managed to write another 400 words today. 

Then came home and played with Jesus and George. 
I feel quite full of hilarity. I like Jesus, and George, and Cupcakes. These are all positive things in my life :)

Jesus never left anyone and told them God wanted them to be sick.
He's a pretty cool guy.


Tomorrow is a new day. I welcome it's challenges. 

And I scream, that I wanna be

anyone but me.

I am acting like the most cliched single girl in the entirety of the world. I amuse myself. Home alone, glass of wine, playlist of sad songs, playing 'all by myself' on the piano (if only I knew any other songs). Silly Heather. I should be writing my essay. I expected to go back to the library between 5 and 8 and write another 200 words but I ended up Adventuring until after 7 and came in not really feeling the essay writing capacity. I'm not even sad. I just want to stop living.
There's hope though. I realised this as I was hanging out the window with my wine and fag. In each moment, there is hope. I can stare at the ground and think about falling in such a way that I wouldn't just put myself in more physical pain, but I don't. In each moment, I choose to be alive. I choose to keep going, to find a way to survive. Sometimes this makes me feel like a failure - so useless I can't even bring myself to die - but not now. I don't want to die. I'm scared of dying, what if it's just as bad as life? That would SUCK. I hope there's tea in heaven. Anyway. I'm not sad. I am done with living in limbo.

You're my peace of mind, in this crazy world

I've had a very unrelaxing wind down time. Hence why it's already 11.30 and I'm not ready to go to bed. iPlayer did not want to play the apprentice, then it didn't warrant shouting at the screen, so there was no release. Then the nail painting was so much stressful. Bad times. I took a day off from the gym because I only slept 2 hours last night but I've not done any exercise instead and feeling very slobbish. Tomorrow I'm going to go even if I can't sleep. Maybe it will make me sleep earlier the next night.
The wind is CRAZY. So is my pal.

Today I haven't had a clue what is going on. Somehow my legs took me everywhere they were supposed to, and my body just did what I couldn't consciously think of how to do. It's been quite a surreal day, a very good bad day. The kind of day where one simply floats on. Never grounded on the spinning earth below but slowly hovering along side, never quite keeping up, but never getting blown away. I don't even feel too bad about not speaking in my tutorial, I'm more congratulating myself for being there and for having done the work for it.

I've written tomorrows plan out twice. I think I'll do it one more time before I go to sleep just so I can do the same thing tomorrow and just let my legs walk. I also need to write some lists.

My nails are rainbow, and I love cupcakes.

How do you solve a problem with skin so deep?

And how do you sleep on it when you cannot sleep?

Take your shoes off, you're on holy ground.

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didnt know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by
But I will try
I will try wipe the tears from my eyes

I went for a walk today, went up to the castle and along the view points. Today they're putting the Christmas lights on the mound. It was such a clear day but bitterly cold. You could see for miles. It was beautiful. 
I wonder how there can be so much beauty in the world, yet so much pain. 
I want to feel alive. I want to stop feeling like my chest is caving in on me. I just don't see how I can make it happen.

Too many new starts, too many wishes on stars.

I'm so dehydrated. I've been pissing about all evening and then collapsed on my bed. Couldn't figure out why the room was spinning. Coffee and Irn Bru are not good water substitutes. Came home this evening so I could do some more learning, maybe even finish my tutorial work but no. I've just stared at my desk. The sadness I managed to push to the back of my mind caught up on me and all I could do was stare.
I'm also a bit confused at how it's suddenly 10pm. I thought I could drink water then do some exercise and rewrite my day plans so I know what I'm doing the next few days and don't stress about it before bed but I'm suddenly SO tired. I'm not going to the library til 9 tomorrow so I can stay up a bit, was planning to go to sleep at 11 anyway.

I've eaten way too much today. My stomach feels huge and I feel so sluggish and self conscious. There's not even anyone here to see me yet I feel awful and ugly. I'm going for lunch tomorrow as well. Looking forward to the company but not the eating. I want to purge but I can't.

Need to turn my thoughts around.
Things I have achieved this evening:

• laundry, I have clean clothes that will make me feel more confident
• tidied my desk so it's ready for work when I can do some
• filing. I love filing. Now my notes are all in the right order and easy to study from

That's pretty good for a night of feeling rubbish.
I also managed to go to the gym at 8am and get to class a whole 20 minutes early today.

I don't have time to think about where I feel I'm failing. I'm doing the best I can in the present moment. That's all anyone can ask for. And it's all I should ask of myself.

However long the night, the dawn will break

I don't have anything worth saying that I haven't said before.
I wish I was sleeping.

Fireworks

'Welcome to 2009' Fireworks in Singapore

Fireworks tend to stick in your head. They're bright, their noisy, and they're pretty spectacular. They've got me thinking tonight about turning points. How I used to love going to Glasgow Green with some alcoholic hot chocolate and some pals and listen to the 'ooo's and 'aaa's; or when I was younger in Kingsbrough Garderns with the churchy folks and bbqs and toasted marshmallows; or the one time when we had a party here and dad left out the petrol and let Chris and his friends take charge of the fire to make sure all the brambles died but preferably not the trees. Last year I just remember being terrified. When did I stop smiling with my eyes? When will it become natural again?
I feel like I need to go out more. I want to start fresh but I've tried to many times. I'm tired. I've learned that you can't run away from yourself. Each time you reinvent yourself you just grow further away from who you are inside, who your soul's just trying to let shine, who you've conditioned into feeling inferior, unloved and worthless.
I have no idea how to love myself. I have no idea how other people love me. They can tell me a thousand times over but I cannot understand. The concept is foreign to me. I've built up so many walls over so many years, each with patched over chips and cracks from different hurts and heartaches.

 I feel like a cracked record. The same thing over and over and over and over again. I bored of it. On Thursday I stopped caring. I worried about what that means. I don't care about school work but I'm still there so I feel I should do well. I need a break but Christmas is still far away and it's hardly the most relaxing of holidays. I want a spa day, a boozy weekend, to stop thinking, just for a bit. Maybe then I would be less overwhelmed. Maybe then I'd have something to say. But now? Now my heart has given up but my brain is still pushing. It can't get anything done on its own. Pumping water into a broken pipe. I've stopped feeling, I'm just surviving.