Whale of a girl.

I feel so huge.
I tired to go on a diet, it didn't work. Eating at all makes me eat lots. I tried a 'good mood' diet. I hate eating. It made me gain weight and feel so full. Too many carbs. Half the time I freaked out and was sick. The other half I switched between feeling proud of myself for eating and feeling like a fat failure.
I'm not going to make it past 140 for Christmas. I'm not okay with it. It's like my entire worth as a human being is dictated by that number on the scale. It's ridiculous. It shouldn't be like this.

I'm home for the holidays. Warm house, loving cats. I brought my work out dvds so I don't worry too much about not going to the gym. It started to snow again last night. Good old snow. It's not yet thick enough to play in but I'm hopeful. Today I'm going to "dance my body thin" for an hour or two then do some reading. Going to Wagamamas tonight for dinner before a concert and then free wine and buffet. Tofu salad for dinner and then I'm going to stick to one glass of wine, if any, and not touch the buffet. If I start I won't stop. I do not know what moderation is. I have no control over myself. If I don't eat, I'm in control. I know what to do, how it works. If I don't touch food, I'll be fine.

This is what I want to be.
Oversized jumpers, oversized smiles.
Nothing else matters.
From Sofia's blog :)

Mondays task: Christmas shopping. It's such a huge task to have been left to the week before Christmas for someone who freaks out when the streets are only slightly crowded. I'm trying to stay calm. I've written lists, I know what shops to go into, tomorrow I'm going to write a plan of where to go when. Military precision to minimize anxiety. Listing, alphabetizing, cross referencing. Everything needs to be planned.