Labeled.

I cling to my label, my 'depression and anxiety disorder', my go to excuse. I am currently not depressed, I am doing pretty well. I don't know whether that's the meds, or the end of exams, or perhaps a mixture. But I can't take an attack on my condition. It's become my definition. My friend just gave me a rather demoralizing pep talk. She was half right. She reckons I just need to grow some balls and get better friends and all my problems would be fixed. Thing is, my self confidence is so low that that's not so easy. I would have understood it from someone I'm closer to, someone who sees my good and my bad, but I just feel she is not that person. Apparently I'm too angry to construct a coherent argument. One of the reason that my friends don't know about this blog is because I was bored of burdening them with my problems because it gives the impression that I'm entirely negative. I hate moaning but I do it a lot. I'm a bag full of contradictions.

I have no reference. I don't know how to function, or what's normal.

I'm beginning to think that maybe I can't be happy in the relationship I'm in. I love Andrew. Don't get me wrong. But I don't know if it's healthy. He reminds me of how ill I was, and how much better I am now. But he also always blames my 'illness' and doesn't push me to be the best me I can be.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." (E. E. Cummings) 
Who am I? I have defined myself in relation to other people for too long, maybe I need some time on my own. I just don't know.

Bella's right, we are all so lost sometimes. I feel like I've been lost for too many years though. I've had my share of lost. I want to go home. Please let me go home.
How can I long for something when I don't know what it is? There must be another way. There must be something more. There must.

Noone can help me get out of this mess. They have made that quite clear. But what should I do? First I tried a change of scenery, that didn't work - my body turned on me and left me in an unfamiliar hospital bed thousands of miles away. I tried university, new projects, new friends. I still became lower than ever. This cloud keeps following me. I sound melodramatic. I don't mean to be. I just feel so trapped. Maybe it is just a case of me needing to man-up and get on with it. I've applied to go abroad next year, to New Zealand or Australia. It could make or break me but I really want it. I think.

I long to dream again.

Barry: Thanks for stopping by, and for your concern. I'm not anorexic. Mainly a depressive with low self-confidence and body issues. I was asking for advice on meds just incase anyone else had been on them too, or could help me order my thoughts before going to speak to my doctor.