Au Revoir

Such wise, kind words my loves. Thank you.
I am off to Morocco this evening, providing the giant ash cloud is not too thick.
I'll be back in a week,
Au revoir - till next time
<3

All you need is love?

Love After Love

The time will come 

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror. 

Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott

Is there such a thing 

as happiness?

I look around me, 

and all I see is pain.

Can we be, 

for more than just a moment, 

free?

Free to smile, 

and free to breathe;

free to please, 

and free to leave?

Must we live

all our life,

indebted to another?

Is there such a thing

as happiness,

as joy for you an me?

But shattered pieces 

is all we have,

no joy, no faith

no hope

Is hope for tomorrow, 

the next hour, 

minute,

the same as hope for 

a peaceful life?

If I have faith I can get through tomorrow,

will the next not be so bad?

One is quick to count the ways one loathes this self, pick out the flaws, the imperfections, the failings; but do you every stop to think of yourself as "the stranger who has loved you all your life"? I am definitely a stranger to myself. He knew me better than I know myself, but what use is that? Greet yourself, date yourself! (in a non-creepy fashion of course...) 

Oh loves. How can I believe that I love someone so dearly when I cannot show myself that same love? Does it negate the outward emotion? Is it valueless without self-love? I have so many questions. I just wish there were answers. 

Dreams?

It's too loud, I can't hear my heart.

I feel like a yo-yo - up, down, up and down again.

Every day it's back to square one and I just can't find the energy to change.

A glimmer of inspiration, a flash of hope, but nothing more. 

It's gone too easy.

And I'm left,

Alone. 

I want to be an adventurer but I don't know what my dreams are.

How am I supposed to carve my own future when I can't get my head around the present? 

You are all too kind to me. 

But I don't know how to go on. 

Have you ever caught yourself hoping, every time you walk into the road, that a car, or better still, a truck, will come around the bend too fast for you to have seen it? A tragic accident to fix your scattered soul. I don't want to die, I just don't know how to live.

Stop it stop it stop it.

The world won't stop spinning.
Not for me, not for anyone.
I need to jump, I need to live.
Stop letting it turn without me.

So get up, get out,
Open your eyes.
Let it all in and let it all out.
Pick up your feet,
Start finding your beat.
The rhythm of your heart,
Meets the rhythm of your feet

"But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there."

Rain is bleeding down this windowpane.

Sky is washed eternal grey.
But it's okay, it's okay yeah.
Give me a hot cup of coffee and a good book in my hand, let me stay here.
Today does not agree with me I hope you understand, I'm gonna stay here.
The world outside is just all rush and war.
Chaos makes me hide away.
And time is leaving me behind now
But it's okay, it's okay yeah.

Joy and gladness.
Pain and sadness.
It's the rain.
And the food.
I went for lunch at my friend's house, I brought soup and instead of both sharing that, we swapped - she gave me some that she'd made yesterday and she ate mine. Its made me freak out, get mad, and sad. Completely unjustified.

Need to find some motivation, you got any spare?
<3

Oh to breathe again...

I'm done. Finished 2nd year. Finally.
I've chosen my courses for honours.
Hopefully I'll have passed these exams and will sail on into next year.
It should feel better than this.
My chest is tight, I cannot breathe properly.
I am anxious.
For what?
I do not know.
What happens next?
Summer.
Shorts.
Bikinis.
Stress.
I need to get through today without bingeing. Then maybe I can get through tomorrow as well.
I am consumed by consumption.
It feels so safe.
Why do I still feel out of control?
I want him back. But how?
Why? What needs to change?
Things have changed. I'm different.
Would he take me back?
Has he moved on?

Step number one: Love myself.
I need to believe that I'm worth something.
I need to forgive myself for not believing it.
Care to join me?

Sixty-six percent.

Oh loves, the end is in sight.
Two exams down, one to go.
Eleven days until I visit Cinamon Brown's continent.
I will play in the sunshine, soon.
Sweet Haze featured me in her blog.
I can't express how much this means to me, how much this community, and all of you mean to me.
It's all just magical. I love looking at all the different countries represented by my readers, imagine how my life would be different if I lived nearer to you all; but then it wouldn't be so magical, would it?

I wanted to smile again, I wanted to live. I wanted to dance again; sing my own songs, without you telling me that I got it all wrong.

I'm better off alone, but now I'm better, I want you back.
He trapped me, stunted my growth, but he did it with the best of intention.
I'm a girl who wants too much, who always wants what she doesn't have and then gets too complacent with it all; doesn't appreciate it. I get bored too easily.
I also have no idea what I want; what's real and what's make believe.
Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? Wouldn't you think, I'm the girl, the girl who has everything?

<3 Thanks for being here.


If those of you of the praying persuasion could pray for my friend and his fiance, C, that would be greatly appreciated. C's been in hospital for 3 months now, and was meant to be getting an operation tomorrow to help her stomach learn to eat again but she's taken a turn for the worst and it won't be able to go ahead. She had a seizure-like episode, keeps passing out, and has no feeling down one side. They hope it's just a reaction to new medication but they don't know. Her and my friend got engaged in February and since then she's only been out of hospital for a week. He's so scared. She needs the operation to get better, but she's too weak to have it; she's going back on the waiting list now but it could be months before she gets another slot. He's trying to stay positive but there's just so much uncertainty. 

My home.

Rob Ryan.

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home

I never stick around quite long enough to make it...

It was in your arms. Nowhere else.

I've always thought

that I would love to live by the sea.

To travel the world alone, 

and live my life more simply.

I have no idea what's happened to that dream.

While I'm so afraid to fail so I won't even try;

how can I say I'm alive?

11:23

I want to share with you one of my favourite songs.
Find yourself some quiet space and listen to it here.

It gives me shivers, every time I listen to it.
It makes me weep when I'm alone.

I really wish that she would fight.
You know, life is really hard sometimes.
We don't know how we're going to be judged.
When we're taking our last breath in the middle of the night.
There is hope.

What if my best isn't good enough? Where can I find my hope? Will it all be worth it in the end?

It's not much,

But it's a light.

A beacon of hope, a breath of change.

Listen, can you hear it?

It creeps now, but soon it will rush through your bones.

You just have to believe.

Because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear the music in our world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you. 

Flying against the wind.

Today I saw a fly, struggling to move forward in the harsh Edinburgh wind and was overcome by its beauty.
There was so much hope in this tiny insect; swooping with the currents, constantly being pushed backwards but never once turning round.

I just wanted to share this image of hope with you, allow yourself to be inspired by the little things.
No matter how much life pushes you back, you've just got to keep moving forward, running against the current. One day, it will all be worth it. It must be. Deep in your heart, you must believe: everything is gonna be okay.

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