Home?

"I spent years feeling like this, wondering if each new place I went would be the home I was looking for. Then I realized that "home" is not something the universe is supposed to give me, a magical place where I'll suddenly feel I belong. It's a commitment I make to a place and to a community. I found a place that didn't feel like home at first, but I decided to make it my home. Every day that I spend here strengthens my commitment. Every day it becomes a little more like 'home'." (email to Frank)
I facebooked Scott. I try make Morningside my home for a bit.
Soon I can start to make my flat a home because Nikla will live here for real and we can decorate beautifully.
I like cooking.
I'm not so much in to eating.
I read Harry Potter.
Every day is a struggle. But it doesn't seem to bring me closer to anything except breaking.
I cannot feel. How can I love when I cannot feel? How can I laugh? How can I reach out for Jesus when he is so very far away?
I can't. I lie hopeless. Snarling at anyone who tries to help. Their efforts are always in vain. They cannot help, they can only get hurt.
Leave me. Maybe if my flesh rots my soul will feel at home. A broken soul inside a broken body.

I am a master at hiding how I feel and who I am.

The big secret is I just don't have a clue.
My life is a mask.
Yet it's still shit.
There's no going back.
The path ahead is impossibly blocked.
I'm stuck in limbo.
Fucking with anyone who get's too close to me's head.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I want.
How am I meant to be in any kind of relationship when all I feel is anger, and all I show is fake smiles, and all that is real is the tears.
I've just fucked up, quite a lot.
My life feels like it's moving way to fast, but I know in reality it isn't going anywhere, I'm just on a roundabout and they won't stop pushing it even though I'm screaming and about to fall off.
What does one do?

No.

Collision - Marcia Furman

Head spinning, stomach churning.

I've been feeling more suicidal recently. Not actively, just in a 'what if...' kind of way.
But I don't think I can write a suicide note.
I know that isn't a very positive way of not killing myself, but hey, it's something.
I feel rather daft.
I am obsessing about meths for some reason.
It is also 1am and I have been awake for a long time. But I woke up because of all the cleaning fluid and now my hands are really sore and itchy and dry. I am also hungry. But I ate three whole meals today, and 2 cookies, and hot chocolate so I should not be.
I also keep playing farmville and my back hurts.
I would like to sleep.
I think I will watch a film and munch some frozen bread.

The world for once, in perfect harmony...

I feel like I've fucked up, really bad.
I feel so trapped and empty, yet overflowing.
I feel like I started running a race, but then the guy in front of me flung his water bottle over his head and it whacked me in the temple and knocked me out and now I'm on the pavement listening to all these people whisper around me but unable to reach out or open my eyes. I can't fit the sounds together into sentences , I don't know where I am or where I'm going.

Things are going okay.

I am still sad and lonely and empty.