Why?

Yesterday there was a festival along the coast for Carmen, Virgin of the Sea. We went and looked around her church, it was very modern, pretty stained glass, lots of statues, the Lord's Prayer in every language you could think of on the walls, and bustling with people there an hour early for mass to get the good seats. But all I could think about was the homeless man outside. I wanted to go sit with him. I had no money, no way I could help, but I wanted to sit with him and share my time. I didn't because of parents, but also because I'm scared. When we went back to the church after the parade, following the bands and float, he was lying in the corner, asleep, despite all the noise and commotion around him. I cried a lot.

I haven't cared about other people for a long time. I think this is a step forward. I still despair at the world. I still have a soul.

This evening, I will swim.

Worn from walking this far
So worn from talking this much
And what we found and what we've seen
As the road curves down
And the lights come up to meet us
Silent for the evening
We enter this town like new born creatures
Those I know O see a new
And the space between us is reduced
For I am human
And you are human too

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I must be on the road again, no time to write.

However, I want to break away. My life is rituals. I cling to them. Enough. Move on. Break away. Be free. I just want to be me.

I'm no farther forward, just farther along.

It's pulling me down, and I am no closer to release.