Mess.

Oh God, I'm a mess.
I went to the doctor's on friday, I thought I was just going to get a new prescription but no, she decided she wanted to psychoanalyze me. urrgh. She has decided I have a personality disorder. Fair enough, but not a very helpful diagnosis. I'm so lost and confused. I know that I have to make the move to make myself better but I just feel like there are so many other things I am expected to do at the same time.

In a selfish way, I don't want to be 'healthy'. At least with my diagnosis I have an excuse. I have no idea what I can achieve anymore. I have no idea at what stage my emotions and interpretations of the world cross the line from 'normal' to mental. I know sitting on the bathroom floor is not normal but am I just being a drama queen? I have so many doubts. I wish I had never sought help. It's only confused me. These new drugs make me so uncontrollable sometimes. I did really well with my eating during the week, no more than 700 calories and plenty walking, but then I went to the doctor and just left feeling so angry/upset/betrayed/suicidal/pissed. I went to stay with my friend for the weekend and she's been looking after me really well. Which includes feeding me. Last night we had Chinese. Today went okay during the day, I have no idea how many cals because I wasn't cooking, but mostly veg. Had chocolate too (a whole tube of pink smarties, bliss) and tonight I was just so hungry, despite the 3 meals I've had today. I ate THREE bowls of cereal. I have no idea why.  Feel so bloated. Going to do some sit ups.

My friend though, is amazing. I have exams and she is helping me study, and giving me a warm house, and many meals. She doesn't mind me crying on her every few hours, and reminds me that I'm actually doing quite well with my studying. Wonderful.

Love x