Once I was fearless, going up against the world.
Optimistic, seeing all the reasons for good through the darkness.
I could live through anything,
Where, where did that go?
(The Rocket Summer)
Today I've spent a lot of time thinking rather than studying. I am obsessing and unable to concentrate on my school work, I wonder whether to let my tutor know because I'm 'sick', or whether this is what a 'normal' person feels. My mood has been all over the place today. Happy/sad/angry/scared/frustrated/lonely/hurting. Most of all I'm hurting. I yearn for something more but I don't know what it is. I'm on antidepressants at the moment, mitrazapine, and I have to go back to the doctor at the end of the week to asses how they have been over the last month and increase the dosage. They have been good because they make me sleep, and I have been generally calmer but I oversleep, and I'm constantly drug-induced drowsy. Things used to be sharp. Now all the boundaries have been blurred. The bright lights don't scare me, but nothing is crisp. It's a little like the worlds been slowed down for me to appreciate it's beauty and yet that which was beautiful is past its best. Spoilt by my gaze. They also make me BINGE. I never used to loose control so much. It's like a dream, I see myself guzzling food from the outside. I shout at the shadow of myself to stop but my voice is muffled. And then I see myself in the bathroom mirror, head hung over the toilet, and I wonder how I got there. I wonder how I got here.
Earlier today I was ready to say goodbye to my depression. I was ready to walk away from it. But now, now I don't know what I want again. I am going to a healing service tomorrow, I'm slightly terrified but I am going with the hope that I'll have space to work through things in my head. I need direction. I don't want to be sad and lonely. I want to be skinny, fun-loving, and popular. Geez do I wish I was popular. I'm still the geek, still the looser. Can it ever get better?
Does anybody have any advice about antidepressants? I've been on Prozac and Veneflaxitine before.
I think I might just like the idea of being on medication. Like it's glamourous. It validates my struggles and my pain. It reminds me that I am sick, not just weak. But I don't know to what extent that's true. I'm just a girl playing make believe. I need to want to be better. I don't think I do. But I need to for him.
I've started pushing everybody away. I don't want them to come in. I don't want them to care about me. I'll only hurt them.
I've been holding my breath,
I want something to live for.
I wanna make you proud,
I want something to live for.
your last paragraph. i agree completely. on one hand, i need people to be here for me, but on the other hand i dont want to hurt them.
ReplyDeleteim sorry your antidepressants made you binge, and perhaps its not the right one, since it is making things blurry? only perhaps, because i would not know.
i hope things get better for you.
<3
Hi Heather, thanks for following my blog! By chance did you find me through Bella?
ReplyDeleteI've only read a handful of posts so please forgive my lack of knowledge about you. Time is at a bit of a premium right now, although I do want to put some aside to read more of you. :)
You say you want to be skinny, that you binge then see yourself with your head hung over the toilet. Would you consider yourself anorexic?
I saw you mention that you were self-harming in a previous post. In the past few years this has captured my interest, starting when I noticed that a girl at a local used-CD shop was very obviously cutting (she had multiple scars on her arm). I didn't understand much about cutting, so I started doing some research. I also bought a book and ended up writing a post about it (May 26, 2010). So while I've never self-harmed I understand some of the psychology and motivation behind it. People need to be understood, not judged.
It concerns me somewhat that you're asking for advice on antidepressants over the net, please be careful who you get your advice from. I will say however that those who have been on certain medications will probably have a more honest assessment of their affects than the doctors prescribing, as they've experienced them first-hand.
I have my opinions on the medication you're on but this is my first comment and I don't want to sound preachy. Instead I'll say good night my dear. Please please stay well, and I'll read more of you soon. :)
well i'm on cipramil so i don 't know much about your meds but, my therapist told me it takes about two weeks for your body to get used to anti-depressants, so this tiredness might actually go away after, with some anti-depressants the side affects are appetite. you might be able to tell your doctor about that and maybe he/she can switch you to something else. the best is to talk to your doctor though
ReplyDeletestay strong
Oh, love.
ReplyDeleteWe are so lost, sometimes, aren't we.
It's terrible.
Please know, there is something new, something wonderfully new, somewhere. There must be, there has to be. Please believe it.
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