Conscience whispers, but interest screams aloud.

It has been a hell of a week. I have been totally out of control and that terrifies me. I have taken the night off to try and compose myself before the week ahead. I think I'll fill you in with what has been first.


Sunday. Robert died. He was amazing. One of the most wonderful, hilarious, frustrating, faithful and brave men I've ever known. He spent his last week in hospital fighting an infection but didn't make it through. We were never close. I don't think he even knew my name. But his death really hit me. I felt almost guilty for being sad. He was young, I knew him through the Church of Scotland NYA. My friends were closer with him and so I felt pressure to be the right amount of sad around them. I made it about me. It's not about me. It's about living and 'giving it a go'. Sleep well Robert.


Monday. My doctor put me on new medication, it makes me sleep which is good but also makes me eat like crazy. I've had chocolate, cake and carbs galore. I keep eating until I throw up and then eating some more. Disgusting beast. I have put on 4kg and am noticeably fatter around the middle.


Tuesday-Thursday. Were a blur, spent sleeping, eating and wallowing in sadness. Late for class and not doing enough preparation. Always stressing and comfort eating then purging then eating some more.


Friday. I had therapy in the morning. I went in, late because the drugs make me so sleepy, and slightly nervous about it but overall feeling quite positive (the last session had gone badly because I couldn't stop crying and froze and couldn't say anything which makes it quite pointless). Before long, however, I was drawing blanks. I just had no answers for the questions asked. I don't know why I find it so hard. It's so frustrating. I want to get better. I want to help myself. I just can't. After half an hour my therapist discharged me from her services back to the GP to try "other options". I pointed out that I had tried all the other options, she said to just see how the new drugs worked out. I don't feel like this is the best solution but at least I don't have to feel like I'm wasting her time anymore. I got really angry at the time; I shouted, stormed out and then collapsed outside unable to stop crying. 


Weekend. I had my rock-gospel choir concert on Friday night, I went home with my parents after it instead of to the pub. The snow began. It was heavy and beautiful. On Saturday I celebrated Thanksgiving with a selection of wonderful people. I stayed over and tried to suck up all the love I could before coming back to Edinburgh this evening.


That was a very long catch up of my week. Next week I plan not to eat so much and to get to the gym.
Tomorrow, I am going to stock up on safe foods to eat when I have drug induced munchies. 


Things I can eat as much as I want:
apples 
carrots


Things I am going to have in meals:
cod
mushrooms
broccoli
spinach


I have written tomorrows plan and taken my drug, now just to pack my bag for tomorrow and tidy my room a little then bed around 10.


Goodnight xx