choose with no regret

Today was a bit of a fail day and quite wasted. I went to the disability office, nothing had changed - still waiting for a letter from my doctor. I went to the library to try and get my work done, didn't manage - finished the reading but not note taking or hand in. I went to therapy, I cried for the first time in a while, didn't manage to get anywhere though - mainly got pissed off and frustrated because I didn't know the answer or couldn't listen for long enough to hear the question. Discovered I do not want to take responsibility for myself and find it very difficult to make decisions, not really a break through. Finally I went to the hospital to see the hand surgeon. Apparently my symptoms don't fit nicely into any box (which I knew) and the xrays showed health bones. I am now on another 3 month waiting list to see a nerve specialist who won't be able to do anything about the pain but maybe the pins and needles. Fail.
So all this happened and then I got home at 9.30pm after going out for dinner with my dad and eating an entire plate of burger and chips because I was so frustrated. I haven't done my work for the morning. I haven't even thought about the presentation I have to do tomorrow afternoon. Fuck it.

Right now I just feel like I need to sleeeeeeeeeeeep.
I'm going to go to my morning class and make up an excuse for not doing my hand in which will probably involve hospitals then spend my 3 hour gap doing my reading and writing a presentation. Then I can come home at 4, write my hand in and email it to my tutor. I'm going to fast tomorrow because I feel so full of crap. Green tea, water and probably coffee because I am not sleeping well and need the energy. Gym in the morning. I didn't go to netball today, gutted about that, I didn't even get my work done instead. It was going okay, I was only on 165 calories until I went out with my dad tonight. I just couldn't stop. I ate so quickly. It was disgusting. But I couldn't leave any. I just kept going. When I got home I nearly ate everything in the cupboards too. Ended up just eating a cup cake but I had looked at the ice cream, the jar of nutella, the boxes of biscuits, pasta, sweetcorn, everything, I just couldn't stop thinking about it all. I couldn't purge because everyone was milling around so now my stomach just feels so full and horrible.
I'm at 66.7kg tonight. It keeps going up. I was at 64 on Saturday and it all just piling straight back on. I'm so angry with myself.

I'm also sick of being sad. I want to be a normal student, out having fun, drinking, laughing, dancing. I want to be confident and glowing. I was at the start of term but now I just flinch and nearly cry if anyone looks at me let alone talk to me. I feel like such a failure.

I've just ranted in a self centered manner for quite a while, sorry about that.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I am going to fast, work-out and celebrate my flatmate's birthday.

Hope you have a good tomorrow. Let me know. x