Fireworks

'Welcome to 2009' Fireworks in Singapore

Fireworks tend to stick in your head. They're bright, their noisy, and they're pretty spectacular. They've got me thinking tonight about turning points. How I used to love going to Glasgow Green with some alcoholic hot chocolate and some pals and listen to the 'ooo's and 'aaa's; or when I was younger in Kingsbrough Garderns with the churchy folks and bbqs and toasted marshmallows; or the one time when we had a party here and dad left out the petrol and let Chris and his friends take charge of the fire to make sure all the brambles died but preferably not the trees. Last year I just remember being terrified. When did I stop smiling with my eyes? When will it become natural again?
I feel like I need to go out more. I want to start fresh but I've tried to many times. I'm tired. I've learned that you can't run away from yourself. Each time you reinvent yourself you just grow further away from who you are inside, who your soul's just trying to let shine, who you've conditioned into feeling inferior, unloved and worthless.
I have no idea how to love myself. I have no idea how other people love me. They can tell me a thousand times over but I cannot understand. The concept is foreign to me. I've built up so many walls over so many years, each with patched over chips and cracks from different hurts and heartaches.

 I feel like a cracked record. The same thing over and over and over and over again. I bored of it. On Thursday I stopped caring. I worried about what that means. I don't care about school work but I'm still there so I feel I should do well. I need a break but Christmas is still far away and it's hardly the most relaxing of holidays. I want a spa day, a boozy weekend, to stop thinking, just for a bit. Maybe then I would be less overwhelmed. Maybe then I'd have something to say. But now? Now my heart has given up but my brain is still pushing. It can't get anything done on its own. Pumping water into a broken pipe. I've stopped feeling, I'm just surviving.