New Blog

I am exhausted and so not time to write much.

I have moved my blog, I have decided that this is no longer a place for my friends to stalk me and be nosy. It is a place where I need to be able to be totally honest. So that is what I have made it again. At first it was a blog to reach out, to try and make people recognize my demons and understand. Now they are my friends, my dragons that I snuggle up to until I realize that they have me in a death grip and are stripping my soul from this world.

Today I am just so confused. I can't cry. I feel like I'm crying but my eyes are definitely dry. I lie all the time. I tell people I'm miserable, I tell myself I'm miserable. Really I'm doing just fine. I'm just lazy.
I don't want to be lazy anymore.

My bum fits in my size 10 jeans which makes me happy. I've lost about a stone and am starting to feel the difference.

Today:
Cigarettes: ZERO
Coffee: NONE
Self Injury: Not at all.
Calories in: 465
Calories out (gym): 470

Tomorrow I'm going to be home all afternoon. My flatmate made chocolate cupcakes that are all just sitting out in the kitchen. I can't stop thinking about them, but I don't want to eat one. I am not going to give in. I just need to think about the stodge and the icky heavy feeling and I don't want it anymore. I do hope they go away soon though. I will treat it as a test of my will power. I will be strong, I am a strong independent woman.

The boy is back on the scene, I find it hard to articulate what I want, and this makes it hard. I also find it impossible to play to his demands. He want's me to be more honest and try harder in our relationship. Not too hard on the surface of things. But I am trying, and I am honest, I just didn't know how to tell him that I'd started cutting again. It's not exactly the kind of thing I want to go around shouting about. He says that I need to tell him how I am trying, but I am not exactly the kind of person who goes about blowing my own trumpet. I work through small random acts of kindness. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard enough.

I have lost sight of who I am, and why I am. I want to find God. I want Him to use me. I want to be alive. I want to feel like I have time to try.

I just feel so bogged down with school work that I never have any time for myself. And I shouldn't be. I have a tiny workload compared to other people, I just cannot cope and I'd like to blame my mentalness but when I asked for help they are pretty convinced that I'm fine. I hate that noone cares to help until you're in the A&E having your stomach pumped for the second time that week. It makes me really angry.

But I must step away from that anger. It is time for some core exercises then sleeping. I'll crunch out the anger.