Complicated

I have not written for a couple of weeks. Apparently this is bad. So I thought I would rectify that.
Currently listening to Avril Lavigne, I'm in a bit of a hair brush microphone kinda mood. Wish I had sing star.
About half an hour ago, I got a call from some woman called Tracy telling me to check my emails because I have an interview for the Science Festival thingmybob. Having just got in and checked I have discovered I have to prepare a presentation aimed at 5-11 year olds about some aspect of science. Freaking out slightly. I shall try and calm and use it as an excuse to go to blackwells tomorrow and read kiddies books. It also reminded me that I didn't call All Staff to see if they could get me a summer job. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be stressful. Then Wednesday might be just about okay and then Thursday will be stressful again. And then it's DAY OF JOSHY.
Good times.
I feel really crap, and generally really angry, but also lacking the energy to feel.
Anna called me last night. Just hearing her voice made mee so angry, so confused. I couldn't speak to her. I would have justshouted and ranted incohearently down the phone.After I hung up on her she texted me, said she took so long to reply because she was trying to think of how she could help me best. that made me angry too. Too little too late. I don't need her help, I would just like not to completely be cut out of her life. At the same time, she's always made me feel worthless and crap and generally insults me at least 5 times every time I see her. I feel like I'm not working hard to keep people in my life. Like Claire, I haven't spoken to her for over a month, it kills me a little inside. I should write her a letter, but at the same time I'm thinking why bother. I'm the crappest friend in the world. The less people relying on me the better. I need other people a lot. But I'm too scared to ask for help. Too proud. Too embarrassed. I have great people around me, I just worry that I put too much on them. Well I know I do. And I just wish they would agress and hurry up and get rid of me. Currently composing a sufficiently hurtful text to send to Anna. I don't like being mean, and selfish. I do it far too much at the moment. I hate it. And it makes me hate me more even though it's what I have to do to get through the day. Stupid.
In my head I walked infront of a bus today. It was such a rush. So close to freedom. The stopping of the pain. It would be so easy. It unnerves me slightly how comforting thinking about this is, but only very slightly. Mostly I'm one tiny step away from peace. All I'd have to do is take a step off the pavement, end of. So I might only get surverely injured, but at least then I could go and hang out in hospital where they have lots of drugs.
I just remembered I'm wearing superman pants. It made me a bit happy. But not really. Also the tea. But it's the 3rd cup of the evening, I'm starting to get a bit jittery. I did eat. So it's all good. I hardly ever feel hungry so I just eat crap and drink tea. It's really bad. I need to purchase more fruit. I would also like flowers for my nicely tidy room. For some reason it still feels such a mess. I think that's just my head though. Bla.
I've totally just rambled incoherently for a while.
I think I'll stop.
Go back to crying and listening to Karine Polwart. (I got bored of singing, it felt wrong.)