Screaming

Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I need to just write the pain away. It’s not real pain though. Not even real emotional pain. There is no logic to it. I work with logic, it’s what I know, what I understand, what makes me feel safe. This emptiness, anger and desperation I’m feeling now cannot be attributed to anything. It just engulfs me with its darkness. This is what makes it so unnerving and so hard to deal with. I cannot see myself as anything other than a failure and have no idea of ways in which I could fail less. I get angry because I don’t know how I let myself get so lost. I completely blame myself. Sometimes I think that I’ve talked myself into feeling like this so that failing at life is allowed; or something along those lines. I have a vivid imagination. I can make myself believe anything. A lot of the time I don’t know where reality stops and dreams begin.
Why do we need scapegoats for everything? Why do I feel like if I could only blame how I’m feeling on something, I could move on? Are we all just weak, unable to stand up on our own two feet we use people and ‘stuff’ as a crutch and when we fall we assume that our crutch slipped. Did it collapse? Or was the ground uneven? Do we blame our circumstance, or our helpers? I can’t blame either. My situation is dandy, and the people that I lean on really do hold me up. Therefore it seems obvious to blame myself. And so starts the self-destructive spiral.
I constantly feel not good enough. I am a perfectionist. I am guilty of all or nothing thinking. I bully myself into feeling worthless. I try to control the uncontrollable, instead of accepting the uncertainty and living with it. There are other things. They make me feel like a pathetic excuse for a person. This is me effectively building a darkened room in the hope that it will swallow me up and I will just become a distant memory. I’m trying hard to keep the door wedged open, but it’s a fire door, and I’m too weak to stand against it’s strength for long. And so then I crash. And my all or nothing way of thinking makes me think I’m back at the beginning again. Baby steps they say. I’m better at the long jump.
Challenge: Imagine what you would like your life to look like on a day-to-day basis. Way too hard. I used to do this all the time. I’d spent hours in my fantasy lands dreaming of ways I’d spend the next 40 years. But on a day-to-day basis? That’s totally different. What would I like my life to be if getting out of bed in the mornings wasn’t such a huge challenge in itself? I’m really quite afraid of that question, and have no idea how to go about tackling it. I’m still wallowing in self-pity. I fell again. I’ve not gone too deep but I feel like there’s a lid on me, stopping these feelings from getting out.
Bottom line is, I really don’t know what is going on. I’m really bad at sticking to things, and putting in the time and effort I should. I need a lot of help and I think I’m scared to ask for it. I worry about being generally annoying and a burden to the people that are trying to take care of me. I also worry that they will give up on me. I’ve been close to giving up on me so why shouldn’t they? In a way I’m angry that they are sticking around. But I think that’s just fear that they can still leave.