Baby steps?

So I figure writing this should be good for me. Generally I find writing therapeutic and I guess it's just a good way to get it all out without feeling like your burdening anyone in particular. I went home this afternoon, Glasgow bed is comfier than Edinburgh bed, and I feel like I have more freedom as there are no flat mates to avoid. I don't know why I've been avoiding my flat mates, they're wonderful, I just don't really fancy being around people at the moment, and they aren't quite close enough not to count most of the time. But I am here, I've eaten too much and drank too much hot chocolate and now feel sick and have a monstrous head ache but oh well. There is tv to take my mind off the world. Like it did just then. I just watched Waterloo Road, and then facebook stalked a little bit.
Now it's pretty much the time of night where I start crying uncontrollably. The writing means the tears only want to be there. Plus apparently pain killers make it harder to cry. Strange that. I'm not sure what I want to write about tonight, just wanted to write so will inevitably write a whole load of ramble. No change.
I read this site a lot. It always makes me cry, but I think that's good. I'm still trying to figure out counseling. I don't know why devil women make me so mad. They can see straight into your soul and yet they sit there with their taught expressions and pre-learned phrases, and just look so smug. I think I get angry because I want people to judge me? Maybe not. When I went at uni, 2 weeks ago now, it wasn't even a real counseling session yet I still cried and seethed with rage the entire time. It also caused me to spend the rest of the weekend crying, it had affected me that much. Now, I try to think that this is a good thing, sometimes to get stuff out, it's painful and it's awful at the time but you can come away feeling even just the tinest bit better and it's totally worth it. But this was not like that. Maybe I was just having a bad day. Some days I don't want to talk to anyone, I'll just burst into tears if someone pushes me too far; other days I'm just so wound up that I'll get angry and lash out at someone who challenges me, even to try and get me to do little things like go outside. This kinda unnerves me. I feel so out of control all the time. I'm either overly emotional or irratable and there's nothing I can do about it. I think I turn a lot of difficult emotions into anger because I just don't know how to deal with them.
The other thing thats really been bothering me resently is the fact that I don't really know who I am anymore. I generally don't recognise myself or like this person who I am/have turned into. And it bugs me that other people can still be bothered to be around me, let alone love me. I'm convinced people would be better off without me, at least at the moment, as much as they tell me otherwise. I don't really believe they see the me I want the world to see one day. But then again, I think maybe they are the only ones that do. And that's why they're sticking around. That makes sense I guess. Imagine what you would like your life to look like on a day-to-day basis... Maybe the people who really care are the ones that can see past the gloomy fasade. I'm scared to let people care about me because I think I'll let them down. Silly really. I don't think I deserve to have the people that I do, but I'm scared that they'll give up on me too. I feel lonely, but not totally alone, I know there are pretty amazing people there for me. It makes me feel weak to ask for help, and I feel like I'm asking a lot of some people. It's hard for me but it's hard for them too. I really wish life was more like the sims. I wish it had cheats to gain health or money or love. But if it was easy, I'd be complaining that it was boring. Some people are just never satisfied!