City of Dreams

'give thanks with a grateful heart...'
I've never heard a less grateful congregation singing so solemnly.
I think I might have a problem with hymns. Or mainly the words. I think it is difficult to worship God with words in general and even harder to do en mass. We do not all have grateful hearts to lift up in praise. I was not the only one in that building who was there with a heavy heart and a foggy spirit, not singing of the glory, but crying in despair, desperate to reach out for the Lord but always finding myself further away.
When we sing, lots of the times I do not bother to read the words on the page, partly because I read them wrong and then feel silly singing "griddled with praise" instead of girded, and also just because I cannot be honest and open while singing about things I cannot even attempt.


"Lord, from the depths to thee I cried.


My voice, Lord, do thou hear:


Unto my supplication's voice


Give an attentive ear...



More than they that for morning watch,


My soul waits for the Lord."









I don't really know what I'm writing. I did not cry during the service. Only as I was leaving.
I cry for all the things I cannot say with words.
And then I cry in guilt for being so selfish.

I am now watching pigeons trying to get the seed that has fallen from the bird feeder. When we first got new windows and such, they used to get stuck all the time, we'd have to remove the glass to untrap them. Now it seems they've learned. One only looks from above, not dive down into the gap that's too small for you, then you can pick your best spot and attack from underneath while beating your wings furiously to work off the extra calories from the seeds. mental.

Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface. But sometimes, there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one. Like with pie.