I have a wonderful life, wonderful friends, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, my possibilities are endless. So I feel guilty for not appreciating any of it, for feeling sad and empty, lonely and unloved, and wanting to die. I'm a selfish bitch. I want to abandon all the people who love me so I do not have to live in my already imaginary world and don't have to put up with my imaginary pain anymore. I don't get why I'm so ridiculous, it makes me really angry.
I hate when counselors ask me why I didn't go ahead with my plans. I don't have an answer. I'm just so pathetic I can't do anything right. Why did I not walk out? Why did I not cut? Why did I not let myself die? I do not want to turn my back on the help that is being offered me, at the same time I can't see how it is being helpful.
I love you for who you are, not for who you want to be.
You can't grow a tree from a fallen leaf.
What is this whole Christianity thing? And Jesus and such? I'm not sure I believe.
I have no reason not to, and no reason to. It's all just a bit random and silly.
Why does my computer keep blacking out?
Unburdened by destinies shadow.
I do not want to go back to uni. I do not want to go and learn in a room. I do not want to sit exams. I want to be free. I want to learn about living. I want to be useful. Not just another student scrounging off the tax payer. I feel trapped. Inside my soul. But also outside my life. I make no sense, not even to me.
My head is throbbing.
I am looking too intently at a white screen and thinking nothing.
the end.
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