Is back again; it's light radiating in my loneliness.
"If you can't discover what's keeping you in, the will to get out soon becomes confused and ineffectual."
From Ismael by Daniel Quinn
My heart is beating too fast, it's trying to keep up with the world but the world just keeps getting faster. My weary body just looks on in despair.
I feel a lump in my throat, a tightness pressing on my chest.
I can't breathe.
I don't know how to live,
I don't know who I am without him.
I never made it to Morocco, there was too much ash in the sky.
I never got the time to go and sip diet coke at the poolside and make some new friends.
I feel like now, I'm mourning that loss. Insignificant as it may be.
It's the post-birthday slump. Where I realize how much effort every day is.
I feel disgusting. I listen to my thoughts, the ones that tell me I'm fat, ugly, worthless, lonely.
I need to step out of my thoughts. They are not me; my thoughts do not define me as a whole being.
All I want to do is run.
All I want to be is in his arms in the sun in control.
Easy, right?
someday your wheel will turn around. Hold on baby!
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry you didn't make it to Morocco. i hate getting disappointed with things like this too. don't worry, heather, you'll make it next time.
ReplyDeleteand hear me, darling, you are not ugly, fat, and worthless. i wish i can look at you eye to eye so you can believe me. stay strong love.
I'm sorry that Morocco didn't work out... Maybe there's a specific reason why it just wasn't right for you to go; who knows.
ReplyDeleteI did miss your words though, and I'm so glad you're back. <3
My love, you are not worthless, fat, ugly, or anything negative. You are lovely, wonderful, beautiful, amazing, and you possess so much goodness. You are one of my favorite people, and you always put a smile on my face with your comments on my blog. How could you ever think you're anything less than absolutely wonderful?
Don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Stay strong, dear, even though it may seem impossible. We'll get through this, you and me, together. I'll always be here for you. :)
xx
I'm sorry you weren't able to go to Morocco. I'm sure you'll get another chance!
ReplyDeleteOh, nasty thoughts! I wish I could help banish them. You're right, those kinds of thoughts we have about ourselves do not define us; they're usually the opposite of the truth. You are an awesome girl, full of love and talent. I know it's so easy to slip into self-loathing, especially when one is lonely. But you are not worthless. Not in any sense of the word. I can only give you a virtual hug, sadly. It would be a real one were I in your vicinity. *HUGS*
That's a very healthy attitude, cry, mourn, scream, wail, get it out of your system and move on. You're absolutely right, you are more than your thoughts, much, much more!
ReplyDeleteTake each day as it comes, Heather. It's all any of us can do. Hang in there. <3. XXX.
Don't listen to those thoughts, they're full of shit!
ReplyDeleteYou're just gonna have to add to your 'To-Do' list for the next trip to Morocco. These things happen with travel :(
Lol we went to the museum during school hours, so there were one or two school groups through, but nothing bad enough to interrupt our playtime XD Man did the kids give us weird looks! The adults with them looked jealous of our willingness to make dicks of ourselves and have shitloads of fun.
I prescribe a trip to the museum! To the fun part! Bugger the pool, lets go play with science!
We shall plow on together and get through the shit parts. Its like snowdrifts that will melt when the sun comes and good things happen. You just gotta wrap up warm and keep going.
Love you lots and lots and lots and lots.
<3
not really easy...but possible from the inside out!
ReplyDeletelife have reasons that we do not understand some time...but when time is ready you will be sipping a cold drink by the pool in Morocco...be patient.
hugs
i iwsh it was that easy, but you know just because it isn't easy doesn't mean it won't happen. just because it isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't worth a shot anyway.
ReplyDeletei really do hope things start going your way though. i do, i do, i do!