Every day I knock myself down.
I play a game with myself.
A childish glee
in watching everything go wrong and thinking,
'hey, I caused that'.
At least there's one thing I'm good at -
ruining my own life.
I much preferred when self-harm rather than self-sabotage was my crutch.
It was so much more satisfying at the time.
It too has left its mark.
I'm left wondering.
Confused by this loneliness.
This is it.
But what the hell is this?
A life of unknown,
A Russian Roulette,
A bluff to see what's next?
I don't mean to run from what has been,
I want to live in the here and now.
But every day I fight a battle against myself.
I am my own worst enemy.
you said it... i wish i knew the answer
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of sounding insensitive (not meaning to):
ReplyDeleteWE ALL HAVE A CHOICE... CHOOSE HAPPINESS.
<3. XXX.
i dont think its weird that you enjoy it so much (pantry cleaning). i think its a good thing, in a way. you feel sooo accomplished, AND youre left with a perfectly organized closet. its just great.
ReplyDeleteOh, love.
ReplyDeleteDon't we all feel this way, much too often?
We are always at war with ourselves..
But maybe you should try to find some small thing about yourself that makes you even just a little bit happy.
That's what I've begun to do, even when I wanted to just scream all of the terrible things about myself.
And surprisingly, it's helped. And I find it easier each and every day.
So maybe try it?
I don't know. That's my crazy thought for today.
If all else fails, I love you. <3
Surely, you must know that. :)
xx
We're self-destructive creatures by nature, I think. Hang in there, luv. The night is always darkest just before the dawn. <3
ReplyDeleteJust know you are not alone in this battle. Fight to be good to yourself. & when you don't believe you deserve wonderful beautiful things just believe that other people believe you do and let that be enough.
ReplyDelete