God. I'm so frecking angry. So upset.
This rage, I want to rid myself from it. I cannot escape it.
It's not rational. I know this. I wish it was. It would make more sense.
I said I was going to leave behind "unhealthy eating" but it's just not that easy. I can't. I haven't purged or cut since 23rd December. But I have been bingeing and counting and restricting. I feel fat, ugly, unloveable. I'm a failure.
I'm sad. I miss andrew. I miss having someone to talk to about everything; to tell how terrified I am by uni, how overwhelmed I am. I have a meeting tomorrow with Jenny from the Christian Fellowship of Healing. I'm scared about that. She is a 'Christian listener' trained in counseling and things. I'm really not that good at talking. I don't know why I'm bothering. Fucking hell. I'm too overwhelmed. On Thursday I'm meeting with a mental health mentor from uni for the first time. I don't know why I'm bothering with that either. I don't know what kind of help I want. I just know that I'm not coping. I'm barely surviving.
Oh fuck.
ATTENTION: You are NOT fat, ugly, unloveable or a failure! I think you're the cat's pyjamas!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear things are going shitty, Babe. I think talking to someone is always a good idea.
Sometimes by talking about them, we make our problems tangible and therefore easier to deal with. We feel like we're fighting something real, instead of just 'mindstuff'.
Hope tomorrow goes well for you. <3. XXX.
Oh love, breathe... You need time to breathe.
ReplyDeleteI wish you could tell us; write here, tell us how terrified you are, how frightened, and let us wrap you in comfort and reassurance.
I know how it is to be frightened, I know how it is to be so terrified you tremble with anxst, worry, each day.
I wish I could hold your hand through this.
You're lovelier than you'll know. Hold on, please.
You're precious.
x
Seems you're being pushed and pulled in all directions between what you want and what you don't. It's no wonder you feel overwhelmed Heather.
ReplyDeleteI realize the thought of talking with someone new is scary. It can be hard to talk face to face, to look someone in the eye and open up to them. I hope you'll at least give it a chance and see Jenny and the mental health mentor with an open mind.
I've spoken with lots of girls and women about every kind of issue, some very serious. Almost all have told me they felt better after our conversation. I'm not a trained therapist or counsellor Heather, I just know how to listen. Perhaps that's what you're looking for, isn't it. Not so much someone to tell you what they think is wrong with you or tell you what to do. Just someone who'll let you talk without judging you in any way.
Please know you can e-mail me anytime if you feel like chatting. I'm not a professional, just someone who cares.