From the new coke advert:
Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am
I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am
That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me
Meh.
It made me stop crying and listen to it for a minute. But now I'm not so convinced.
I don't know why I'm crying. I kinda just want to talk. But I don't know what to say.
I don't fancy facing life tomorrow. I have no reasoning for not having faced it previously. I have to talk to Carol. But no idea what I'll say. I just feel a bit pathetic and useless. Well a lot pathetic.
I like The Sims. It's really good for distraction. But I really shouldn't just play all night. I cannot sleep. I tried to sleep earlier. It's been an hour. I want to go back to sims. I think I shall.
<3
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Thursday, 19 February 2009
My failings
So I feel like quite a failure right now. I haven't been to classes most of the term, I have no idea what I'm meant to have learned or any motivation to learn it. I don't go out. I have no pal groups. I failed at attending the various social engagements I wanted to at the beginning of the semester. I had plans, I live by plans, but now, I'm lucky if my plan runs to the day ahead and includes getting out of bed. I don't know how I got so low. All I know is right now I feel lifted slightly, and I don't feel like pulling myself down again. So I'm going to go to bed, and see if sleeping comes any easier today.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
Baby steps?
So I figure writing this should be good for me. Generally I find writing therapeutic and I guess it's just a good way to get it all out without feeling like your burdening anyone in particular. I went home this afternoon, Glasgow bed is comfier than Edinburgh bed, and I feel like I have more freedom as there are no flat mates to avoid. I don't know why I've been avoiding my flat mates, they're wonderful, I just don't really fancy being around people at the moment, and they aren't quite close enough not to count most of the time. But I am here, I've eaten too much and drank too much hot chocolate and now feel sick and have a monstrous head ache but oh well. There is tv to take my mind off the world. Like it did just then. I just watched Waterloo Road, and then facebook stalked a little bit.
Now it's pretty much the time of night where I start crying uncontrollably. The writing means the tears only want to be there. Plus apparently pain killers make it harder to cry. Strange that. I'm not sure what I want to write about tonight, just wanted to write so will inevitably write a whole load of ramble. No change.
I read this site a lot. It always makes me cry, but I think that's good. I'm still trying to figure out counseling. I don't know why devil women make me so mad. They can see straight into your soul and yet they sit there with their taught expressions and pre-learned phrases, and just look so smug. I think I get angry because I want people to judge me? Maybe not. When I went at uni, 2 weeks ago now, it wasn't even a real counseling session yet I still cried and seethed with rage the entire time. It also caused me to spend the rest of the weekend crying, it had affected me that much. Now, I try to think that this is a good thing, sometimes to get stuff out, it's painful and it's awful at the time but you can come away feeling even just the tinest bit better and it's totally worth it. But this was not like that. Maybe I was just having a bad day. Some days I don't want to talk to anyone, I'll just burst into tears if someone pushes me too far; other days I'm just so wound up that I'll get angry and lash out at someone who challenges me, even to try and get me to do little things like go outside. This kinda unnerves me. I feel so out of control all the time. I'm either overly emotional or irratable and there's nothing I can do about it. I think I turn a lot of difficult emotions into anger because I just don't know how to deal with them.
The other thing thats really been bothering me resently is the fact that I don't really know who I am anymore. I generally don't recognise myself or like this person who I am/have turned into. And it bugs me that other people can still be bothered to be around me, let alone love me. I'm convinced people would be better off without me, at least at the moment, as much as they tell me otherwise. I don't really believe they see the me I want the world to see one day. But then again, I think maybe they are the only ones that do. And that's why they're sticking around. That makes sense I guess. Imagine what you would like your life to look like on a day-to-day basis... Maybe the people who really care are the ones that can see past the gloomy fasade. I'm scared to let people care about me because I think I'll let them down. Silly really. I don't think I deserve to have the people that I do, but I'm scared that they'll give up on me too. I feel lonely, but not totally alone, I know there are pretty amazing people there for me. It makes me feel weak to ask for help, and I feel like I'm asking a lot of some people. It's hard for me but it's hard for them too. I really wish life was more like the sims. I wish it had cheats to gain health or money or love. But if it was easy, I'd be complaining that it was boring. Some people are just never satisfied!
Now it's pretty much the time of night where I start crying uncontrollably. The writing means the tears only want to be there. Plus apparently pain killers make it harder to cry. Strange that. I'm not sure what I want to write about tonight, just wanted to write so will inevitably write a whole load of ramble. No change.
I read this site a lot. It always makes me cry, but I think that's good. I'm still trying to figure out counseling. I don't know why devil women make me so mad. They can see straight into your soul and yet they sit there with their taught expressions and pre-learned phrases, and just look so smug. I think I get angry because I want people to judge me? Maybe not. When I went at uni, 2 weeks ago now, it wasn't even a real counseling session yet I still cried and seethed with rage the entire time. It also caused me to spend the rest of the weekend crying, it had affected me that much. Now, I try to think that this is a good thing, sometimes to get stuff out, it's painful and it's awful at the time but you can come away feeling even just the tinest bit better and it's totally worth it. But this was not like that. Maybe I was just having a bad day. Some days I don't want to talk to anyone, I'll just burst into tears if someone pushes me too far; other days I'm just so wound up that I'll get angry and lash out at someone who challenges me, even to try and get me to do little things like go outside. This kinda unnerves me. I feel so out of control all the time. I'm either overly emotional or irratable and there's nothing I can do about it. I think I turn a lot of difficult emotions into anger because I just don't know how to deal with them.
The other thing thats really been bothering me resently is the fact that I don't really know who I am anymore. I generally don't recognise myself or like this person who I am/have turned into. And it bugs me that other people can still be bothered to be around me, let alone love me. I'm convinced people would be better off without me, at least at the moment, as much as they tell me otherwise. I don't really believe they see the me I want the world to see one day. But then again, I think maybe they are the only ones that do. And that's why they're sticking around. That makes sense I guess. Imagine what you would like your life to look like on a day-to-day basis... Maybe the people who really care are the ones that can see past the gloomy fasade. I'm scared to let people care about me because I think I'll let them down. Silly really. I don't think I deserve to have the people that I do, but I'm scared that they'll give up on me too. I feel lonely, but not totally alone, I know there are pretty amazing people there for me. It makes me feel weak to ask for help, and I feel like I'm asking a lot of some people. It's hard for me but it's hard for them too. I really wish life was more like the sims. I wish it had cheats to gain health or money or love. But if it was easy, I'd be complaining that it was boring. Some people are just never satisfied!
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Screaming
Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I need to just write the pain away. It’s not real pain though. Not even real emotional pain. There is no logic to it. I work with logic, it’s what I know, what I understand, what makes me feel safe. This emptiness, anger and desperation I’m feeling now cannot be attributed to anything. It just engulfs me with its darkness. This is what makes it so unnerving and so hard to deal with. I cannot see myself as anything other than a failure and have no idea of ways in which I could fail less. I get angry because I don’t know how I let myself get so lost. I completely blame myself. Sometimes I think that I’ve talked myself into feeling like this so that failing at life is allowed; or something along those lines. I have a vivid imagination. I can make myself believe anything. A lot of the time I don’t know where reality stops and dreams begin.
Why do we need scapegoats for everything? Why do I feel like if I could only blame how I’m feeling on something, I could move on? Are we all just weak, unable to stand up on our own two feet we use people and ‘stuff’ as a crutch and when we fall we assume that our crutch slipped. Did it collapse? Or was the ground uneven? Do we blame our circumstance, or our helpers? I can’t blame either. My situation is dandy, and the people that I lean on really do hold me up. Therefore it seems obvious to blame myself. And so starts the self-destructive spiral.
I constantly feel not good enough. I am a perfectionist. I am guilty of all or nothing thinking. I bully myself into feeling worthless. I try to control the uncontrollable, instead of accepting the uncertainty and living with it. There are other things. They make me feel like a pathetic excuse for a person. This is me effectively building a darkened room in the hope that it will swallow me up and I will just become a distant memory. I’m trying hard to keep the door wedged open, but it’s a fire door, and I’m too weak to stand against it’s strength for long. And so then I crash. And my all or nothing way of thinking makes me think I’m back at the beginning again. Baby steps they say. I’m better at the long jump.
Challenge: Imagine what you would like your life to look like on a day-to-day basis. Way too hard. I used to do this all the time. I’d spent hours in my fantasy lands dreaming of ways I’d spend the next 40 years. But on a day-to-day basis? That’s totally different. What would I like my life to be if getting out of bed in the mornings wasn’t such a huge challenge in itself? I’m really quite afraid of that question, and have no idea how to go about tackling it. I’m still wallowing in self-pity. I fell again. I’ve not gone too deep but I feel like there’s a lid on me, stopping these feelings from getting out.
Bottom line is, I really don’t know what is going on. I’m really bad at sticking to things, and putting in the time and effort I should. I need a lot of help and I think I’m scared to ask for it. I worry about being generally annoying and a burden to the people that are trying to take care of me. I also worry that they will give up on me. I’ve been close to giving up on me so why shouldn’t they? In a way I’m angry that they are sticking around. But I think that’s just fear that they can still leave.
Why do we need scapegoats for everything? Why do I feel like if I could only blame how I’m feeling on something, I could move on? Are we all just weak, unable to stand up on our own two feet we use people and ‘stuff’ as a crutch and when we fall we assume that our crutch slipped. Did it collapse? Or was the ground uneven? Do we blame our circumstance, or our helpers? I can’t blame either. My situation is dandy, and the people that I lean on really do hold me up. Therefore it seems obvious to blame myself. And so starts the self-destructive spiral.
I constantly feel not good enough. I am a perfectionist. I am guilty of all or nothing thinking. I bully myself into feeling worthless. I try to control the uncontrollable, instead of accepting the uncertainty and living with it. There are other things. They make me feel like a pathetic excuse for a person. This is me effectively building a darkened room in the hope that it will swallow me up and I will just become a distant memory. I’m trying hard to keep the door wedged open, but it’s a fire door, and I’m too weak to stand against it’s strength for long. And so then I crash. And my all or nothing way of thinking makes me think I’m back at the beginning again. Baby steps they say. I’m better at the long jump.
Challenge: Imagine what you would like your life to look like on a day-to-day basis. Way too hard. I used to do this all the time. I’d spent hours in my fantasy lands dreaming of ways I’d spend the next 40 years. But on a day-to-day basis? That’s totally different. What would I like my life to be if getting out of bed in the mornings wasn’t such a huge challenge in itself? I’m really quite afraid of that question, and have no idea how to go about tackling it. I’m still wallowing in self-pity. I fell again. I’ve not gone too deep but I feel like there’s a lid on me, stopping these feelings from getting out.
Bottom line is, I really don’t know what is going on. I’m really bad at sticking to things, and putting in the time and effort I should. I need a lot of help and I think I’m scared to ask for it. I worry about being generally annoying and a burden to the people that are trying to take care of me. I also worry that they will give up on me. I’ve been close to giving up on me so why shouldn’t they? In a way I’m angry that they are sticking around. But I think that’s just fear that they can still leave.
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