I'm gonna do it all, someday

I've shared this song before but I need the motivation so I'm sharing it again.
It doesn't matter that I'm stuck in a rut because I'm gonna do it all someday.
I'm gonna climb right over that old mountain
I'm gonna shout in a place where noone hears me shoutin'
I'm gonna swear so loud,
I'll strip the silver lining from a cloud!
I'm gonna do it all someday.

Tomorrow is the First of July.
New month, new plan. Revitalization, fresh motivation.
We have to take steps in creating our own happiness while not forgetting to keep living.
This just seems so challenging.
Tomorrow I will come off these darn drugs, my emotions will no longer be regulated by medication, I will feel again. I am excited and scared.
I am working full-time during July, I'll be able to make plans and stick to them, have a forced structure on my days again. How I've missed that.

I am just rambling. I am not here, in this moment. I am far away. My heart with a boy who cannot be mine, my soul floating somewhere outside myself. Don't let your heart get heavy, child, inside you there's a strength that lies.

The years go on and we're still fighting it.

Loves,
For days now the sky has been entwined with grey.
A huge, dark monster hanging over my being.
You could not walk through it's mist without being suffocated and drained of all joy.
Now though, now the sun has come out.
The sky is rich with blue and the trees wave to their old friend.
I hate living this far north.
If Edinburgh wasn't so pretty I would have moved long ago.
But how can you not love a place where even on the darkest of days you can walk to the corner of your street and look up and see the castle, looming over the city, a great, dark emblem of protection.
How can you not love a place with seven hills that dance in the darkness, silent and spectacular.
An old friend.
You forgive her dreich demeanor because of all the beauty and charm hidden within.
A place where we call home.

Calton Hill

Edinburgh Castle

If I wrote a note to God...

Grant us the faith to carry on,
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone,
'cause it seems like so much is going wrong,
On this road we're on.

I want you to believe that you are worth so much more than this.

I want to believe in me. 

Carefree.

Happy.

Blowing bubbles in the sun.

Oh what became of those lazy summer days?

I put it in a box, in a cage.

I thought keeping it close was the right thing to do.

Then I realised, I want to be free.

"And they went on as though everything had happened."

How can we keep going, knowing what has been?
The only thing that keeps me going is the not knowing. Not knowing what is ahead, what has become of you, what cannot be.

I used to love math.
I loved math because I understood it. It was the same everywhere, complex yet comprehendible.
Now,
now I love people.

I love people because they are so impossible to understand.
I love people because they are complex. Because the brush strokes that make up your complexion are not just black and white but a multitude of colours that fade into all the emotions under the sun. All that is within and ahead. I am both in awe of, and haunted by, the human race. How can there be so much beauty and so much agony, living side by side, both one and the same. The beauty in a crying soul and the devastation in its sadness. The rippling of the river, the carving of the rock. New beginnings and new endings go hand by hand, inhaling the madness.

What do you do when you're faced with such incongruities?
One must go on, as though everything had happened.

I'm sorry I have not been around, I guess I've just been swept under by the rapids where once flowed a burn. I'm trying to keep my head above water, I promise. I'm learning how to swim again. 

Somehow

Somehow, just knowing makes things easier.
Knowing you don't share my hope, makes it easier to stay the same.
Somehow, knowing that you are here, makes me want to go on.
I want to thank each one of you, from the bottom of my heart.

Cinnamon Brown, the sweetie that she is, asked me to write a poem about Humming Birds.
How did you know how much beauty I saw in them? The thing that amazes me most about them is their ability to fly backwards. I think they are the only type of birds to do so. We take it for granted that we can move back and forth, easy, but they are a marvel to the bird world. They can also hover. I am not being very articulate here but basically I think they are cool.

I'd like to share with you one of Emily Dickingson's poems entitled 'Hummingbird':

A Route of Evanescence

With a revolving Wheel -

A Resonance of Emerald -

A Rush of Cochineal,

And every Blossom on the Bush

Adjusts its tumbled Head.

The Mail from Tunis, probably,

An easy Morning's ride.

We don't get hummingbirds hear. I guess it's too cold.

They are beautiful though.

I am afraid I have no poems for you. I don't know how it would start.

I see this picture in my head, but I cannot translate it into words. 

In my head, the hummingbird is not darting about, flying backward and forth, hovering at a flower. 

This hummingbird is tried.

I wonder what it's thinking

Was it lost? where'd it been?

Sweet scented roses far and near, 

A valley lost in fear.

I'm sorry I've been so moany. My mind is just so scattered. I have gone two days without binding now, I feel more in control, more real, more acceptable. I went home, none of my clothes fit. I hate myself for that. But I cannot just beat myself up for things. Nothing good comes from that. I must keep working. One day at a time. Plowing on. It will be okay in the end. <3

Softly now, you owe it to yourself.

Oh loves, what to do?
Is it a game of chance?
Or merely circumstances?
This world, it won't wait for you
it's got its own things to do.
The suns going to rise and push another night away.

Lost.
Inside my head.
Silenced by silence.

I feel like I've lost all things; all parts of me I held dear.
I miss you. I miss you more than words can say.
The space where you used to be - a wild valley that cannot be filled.
Is it naive to think that things have changed?
That we could have a chance at our own happiness?
You and me were meant to be, how has it come to this?

I'd write my soul down for you to see,
but these words all seem insignificant.
How can I tell you everything you need to know when all I have are these ugly, impatient words?

Self-Sabotage

It's all I'm good at.

Every day I knock myself down.

I play a game with myself.

A childish glee 

in watching everything go wrong and thinking, 

'hey, I caused that'.

At least there's one thing I'm good at - 

ruining my own life.

I much preferred when self-harm rather than self-sabotage was my crutch.

It was so much more satisfying at the time.

It too has left its mark.

I'm left wondering.

Confused by this loneliness.

This is it.

But what the hell is this?

A life of unknown,

A Russian Roulette, 

A bluff to see what's next?

I don't mean to run from what has been,

I want to live in the here and now.

But every day I fight a battle against myself.

I am my own worst enemy.