New Years

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time we reflect on all the events of the last year. We resolve to let go of the things we don’t want and hope to find a way to get more of what we do want. However, it’s never that clear cut. How would we know what we want if we don’t experience some of what we do not like? Like sunshine or rain. It can sometimes be trial and error.
This year, instead of making any bold commitments to a fresh start that will ultimately be foiled come February, I really want to just figure out what to leave behind this year and what I want to take into the New Year and therefore how I can create the best me I can be.

Leave behind:
» Complaining  

» Feeling guilty

» Lack of outlook on life

» Negativity 
» Not believing in myself 
» Putting everyone else first 
» Saying yes and regretting it later 
» Unhealthy eating 
Why? Because these things do not help me build and maintain relationships. If I leave them behind I will be able to really live in each moment and appreciate the beauty around me.

Take with: 
» Allowing my emotions to flow through me

» Appreciating my creativity 

» Being authentic 
» Compassion 
» Deep listening 
» Experience to guide me 
» Feeling passion 
» Sharing wisdom  
Why? Because I am awesome and deserve some credit. Emotions are necessary, they are my friend, I shouldn't bottle them up until they condense into anger and self hatred. Allowing myself to feel is one of the most painful things I accomplished this year, feeling passion is deep, raw and real - I shouldn't hide from it. I also have a lot to offer, my story is not a solitary one, I must share my experience of deep pain with others. 


Create: 
» Acceptance of myself 
» Appreciation for my personal growth 
» Cultivate my creativity
» Create abundance for myself and others
» Eat healthier 

» Exercise regularly 

» Listening to my inner voice

» Meditation Time 
» Nurturing self care 
» Opportunity for fun 
» Spiritual connection 
Why? Because if I want to be healthy, happy and fun I have to accept myself, warts and all. My body knows how to look after itself, I need to listen to it more. I want to meditate regularly to teach myself to love each moment of this life I'm blessed with, even when the downs seem to have no end. I hope that in becoming more accepting of, and kind to, myself, I might reconnect with God, but I'm not going to wait and see. I'll attack it from all angles. 



I’d love to hear some of the things that you want to leave behind as well as what you want for your new year. What’s truly important to you now?

Stupid safari.

So I had a nice long post, with beautiful winter thinspo, and then safari dies and blogger doesn't save it. Rubbish.

I made gingerbread cupcakes

and gingerbread people to decorate them with.

The Christmas expansion has begun. I can feel it. My legs swelling, my stomach bloated, my body retching, hating me for what I'm doing to it. By next year, I will be able to wear oversized sweaters and it will be beautiful. For now though, I'm just doing damage control. I can't weigh myself until the 28th when I am able to go back to my flat and go to the gym. It's probably good, means I'm not freaking out about my weight every morning. But I know I'm going to have gained so much. Being at my parent's means there is always food available, and always food cooked for me. I love cooking, I miss it. I obsessively weigh each ingredient and count calories while I'm making things. For instance, one miniature gingerbread man is about 50 cals, and a cupcake, 175. It's like trivia. It's fun, and keeps my mind working. It's also a secret though. So I baked to keep my mind active. I made 12 cupcakes - one for daddy, one for Megan who I'm meeting for coffee in the morning, six for Sarah, and that leaves four for the first four people I see. There's a lot of gingerbread men and women, I only baked half of the batch. I'm not too sure what to do with them. I will probably end up taking the rest to Andrew's family on boxing day along with the white chocolate and cranberry cupcakes I plan to make. They sound so beautiful in my head, I hope they work. I'll be using white chocolate liqueur and white chocolate chunks in the cake and then a very dark chocolate cream topping with white chocolate stars on top.

Tomorrow:

breakfast: a couple of sips of milk, maybe 1/2 a banana

lunch: black coffee, satsuma

dinner: Wagamama's with the family. I'll probably order a salad or a rice dish.

Easy. Time for a quick workout before bed. x

Beauty

Next year I will wear oversized knitwear - and I will look stunning in it.
The Christmas expansion has begun. I am not weighing myself until the 28th when I can get back to my flat and the gym so for now I am just trying to limit the damage. I can feel it though. I am wearing my sweatpants, my stomach is constantly bloated. Don't feel comfortable in my tiny jeans any more. I am swelling. It's disgusting.
At home there is just so much food availible to me, and I don't get to cook any of my own which makes me uneasy. I love cooking, I love weighing each individual ingredient and counting the calories. When I don't get to do that, the anxiety skyrockets. So tonight, I made some cupcakes to keep me entertained and keep me from eating anything in the fridge. Tomorrow I'm going to make some cream cheese frosting for them.

I made gingerbread cupcakes

and miniature gingerbread people to decorate them.

The people are going to be decorated in yellow and red and white. The boys are going to have braces because I love braces. Some of them will have santa hats. I made twelve - six for Sarah, one for Megan, one for daddy

We wear the mask.

    We wear the mask that grins and lies,
    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
    This debt we pay to human guile;
    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
    And mouth with myriad subtleties.

    Why should the world be over-wise,
    In counting all our tears and sighs?
    Nay, let them only see us, while
            We wear the mask.

    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
    To thee from tortured souls arise.
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
    But let the world dream otherwise,
            We wear the mask!

                                 (Dunbar, 1896)

Why do we waste so much energy in concealing how we really feel? Hiding what we think for fear of hurting someone else's feelings that they have concealed from us. Wouldn't things be so much simpler if we all just took off our masks and stripped off our ball gowns, walked away from the masquerade. Instead were left standing in front of each other - naked, broken, honest. I hide my scars because I hate to see the pain in their eyes when they see the pain in my soul. Why do we all pretend to be so together, to have it sorted, when we are all so broken inside? Or is it just me? Only my body that's marked with the hatred of my soul; only my heart that longs so much to love; only my head that tells me I'm fat, ugly, and worthless; only my hands that shake with longing; only my eyes that search for a beacon in this chaos. I need this pain to be shared. I need to know it's not just mine. It's too large a responsibility for just one back to be broken under.

So what?

I can hear whispers on the wind,
Sweet whispers of a life I knew
Interwoven with lies, filled with deceit
Turning my heart deeps shades of blue.

Those whispers haunt my sleepless nights
And etch away at my dreamless days.
Whispers of inconsistent memories,
Yet not one ever stays.

Shut them out, close the door
Hush the whispers, silence the tears
This is it, there's nothing more
A life half-lived in the darkness

Make them believe the smile they see
They don't need to suffer anymore.
A mask, a disguise, pretend to be
A better version of me.

Whale of a girl.

I feel so huge.
I tired to go on a diet, it didn't work. Eating at all makes me eat lots. I tried a 'good mood' diet. I hate eating. It made me gain weight and feel so full. Too many carbs. Half the time I freaked out and was sick. The other half I switched between feeling proud of myself for eating and feeling like a fat failure.
I'm not going to make it past 140 for Christmas. I'm not okay with it. It's like my entire worth as a human being is dictated by that number on the scale. It's ridiculous. It shouldn't be like this.

I'm home for the holidays. Warm house, loving cats. I brought my work out dvds so I don't worry too much about not going to the gym. It started to snow again last night. Good old snow. It's not yet thick enough to play in but I'm hopeful. Today I'm going to "dance my body thin" for an hour or two then do some reading. Going to Wagamamas tonight for dinner before a concert and then free wine and buffet. Tofu salad for dinner and then I'm going to stick to one glass of wine, if any, and not touch the buffet. If I start I won't stop. I do not know what moderation is. I have no control over myself. If I don't eat, I'm in control. I know what to do, how it works. If I don't touch food, I'll be fine.

This is what I want to be.
Oversized jumpers, oversized smiles.
Nothing else matters.
From Sofia's blog :)

Mondays task: Christmas shopping. It's such a huge task to have been left to the week before Christmas for someone who freaks out when the streets are only slightly crowded. I'm trying to stay calm. I've written lists, I know what shops to go into, tomorrow I'm going to write a plan of where to go when. Military precision to minimize anxiety. Listing, alphabetizing, cross referencing. Everything needs to be planned.

Labeled.

I cling to my label, my 'depression and anxiety disorder', my go to excuse. I am currently not depressed, I am doing pretty well. I don't know whether that's the meds, or the end of exams, or perhaps a mixture. But I can't take an attack on my condition. It's become my definition. My friend just gave me a rather demoralizing pep talk. She was half right. She reckons I just need to grow some balls and get better friends and all my problems would be fixed. Thing is, my self confidence is so low that that's not so easy. I would have understood it from someone I'm closer to, someone who sees my good and my bad, but I just feel she is not that person. Apparently I'm too angry to construct a coherent argument. One of the reason that my friends don't know about this blog is because I was bored of burdening them with my problems because it gives the impression that I'm entirely negative. I hate moaning but I do it a lot. I'm a bag full of contradictions.

I have no reference. I don't know how to function, or what's normal.

I'm beginning to think that maybe I can't be happy in the relationship I'm in. I love Andrew. Don't get me wrong. But I don't know if it's healthy. He reminds me of how ill I was, and how much better I am now. But he also always blames my 'illness' and doesn't push me to be the best me I can be.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." (E. E. Cummings) 
Who am I? I have defined myself in relation to other people for too long, maybe I need some time on my own. I just don't know.

Bella's right, we are all so lost sometimes. I feel like I've been lost for too many years though. I've had my share of lost. I want to go home. Please let me go home.
How can I long for something when I don't know what it is? There must be another way. There must be something more. There must.

Noone can help me get out of this mess. They have made that quite clear. But what should I do? First I tried a change of scenery, that didn't work - my body turned on me and left me in an unfamiliar hospital bed thousands of miles away. I tried university, new projects, new friends. I still became lower than ever. This cloud keeps following me. I sound melodramatic. I don't mean to be. I just feel so trapped. Maybe it is just a case of me needing to man-up and get on with it. I've applied to go abroad next year, to New Zealand or Australia. It could make or break me but I really want it. I think.

I long to dream again.

Barry: Thanks for stopping by, and for your concern. I'm not anorexic. Mainly a depressive with low self-confidence and body issues. I was asking for advice on meds just incase anyone else had been on them too, or could help me order my thoughts before going to speak to my doctor.