Dear World,

Dear world,
I'm sorry I thought I could take you on, I was wrong.
Please forgive me,
Heather

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I'm trying to read but I can't see the words. I can't concentrate, even with multi coloured highlighters.
I ate a pack of biscuits and I want tea.
I poured an entire cup of coffee over my desk and now my room smells bad.
30 pages is too many.
Things that have to be done this week:

1. Making dinner for boys
2. Reading and tutorial sheet for religion
3. Setting out a research plan and writing an introduction and emailing it to my tutor
4. Asking people to write references and mailing them
5. Go to class
6. Get a present for the parents
7. Get a present for the boy

Things that I should do:

1. Reading for this weeks lectures
2. Reading for last weeks lectures
3. Start writing essays
4. Go to the gym
5. Set up a facebook group for action group
6. Set up an action group meeting

It doesn't look like many things, but it will take many hours I do not have.
I constantly feel like I'm letting people down.
A month ago when CoSY sent us the mental health survey, I aced it. Today I got 63 when 54+ is severe.
The boy is scared. But what about me? I don't want to be scared because I don't want to give in to it.
I spend every spare minute thinking about suicide and si. Of course I'm scared.
new days keep dawning
yet still night's falling.
sometimes its hard to believe
I'm not meant to leave

Religion2A

I'm angry and upset.
I want to do something brash but I am sitting in class. I want to go home and cut but I've got plans for the day and I know that going home will be the worst decision to make.
I feel such a fake.
Am I trying to make myself sick?
I don't know who to believe or what to feel. I just feel so incapable to doing all the things I'm meant to do yet I want to do more. Tokenistic, lazy, boring,
I just hate life, but everything's going so well. Why do I feel so overloaded?
I wish I had no commitments. I hate this action group. It's too late to resign now, the by-elections have been. Why did I think I could do it? Andrew was right, he's always right, yet why am I still doing it?
I must try not to complain anymore. Keep it all inside. It's better for everyone. I'm starting to have friends. It's great. Why not just embrace it. Go out every night. Drink all the time. Who cares?
Every time I cross the road I hope a car will come tearing round the corner. Darkness.

Sweet dreams?

You have seen me tossing and turning through the night.

You have collected all my tears and preserved them in your bottle.

You have recorded every one in your book.

Psalm 56 v.8 (ish)

The music soft, 

the lights are low.

I want to sleep,

My mind says no.

I lay my head

on His great arm

I pray for sleep

I pray for calm.

Yet still alert

And still awake

My body weeps

My muscles ache

My mind won't rest

Won't let me sleep,

Please brain turn off

Stop counting sheep.

Your pretty amazing grace was all I needed.

"There is no one who is righteous, not even one; there is no one who has understanding, there is no one who seeks God. All have turned aside, together they have become worthless; there is no one who shows kindness, there is not even one"

It is by grace alone that we are loved. The human condition is one fueled by sin; a mind that doesn't understand, a heart that doesn't seek. We are all filthy sinners in comparison to God. We turn from Him at every obstacle, blinded by His beauty. What's the point? There is nothing we can do to save ourselves.

I got skyped and forgot my point.

seems like I always fall short (falln' short)

of being worthy (I ain't worthy Lord)  

'cause I ain't good enough (no no)

but He still loves me (still loves me)

Disapointment.

For a glorious few days, I thought I was on top of life.
I thought I knew what was going on, and what I had to do.
I was excited for going back to school and ready to take on new challenges.
Yet again my world is made of sand. It just crumbles at the slightest touch. I am incapable of love because I cannot love myself. For the last week or longer, I have thought about (and resisted) self harm most hours. I think about ways to get out of here. I think that if I could just cut myself, it would make me feel better. It would take some of this feeling away, make it real. I want to run away from my life and everything about myself. I want the people that know me to distance themselves. I don't want them to hurt any more because of me. I have caused too much suffering already. It was not worth it. I'm left with the same life, the same width of opportunities, the same lack of courage and self worth to make anything of it. I wish for so many things. Above all I wish not to be me. Let someone else take my place. They would do it better. I'm not cut out to do anything more than survive and in surviving I'm just taking up space.

I was never cool in school.

Once upon a time, I was 2. When I was 2, I had little cares or inhibitions. Much to my mother's dismay, I regularly ran about the isles of the church. I was a large child. Some thought I was at least 4 and should have known better and that my mother should be able to keep me under control.

... Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me... Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again... Do you remember the day when my journey began? Will you remember the end (of time)?

Take some time to lie on the grass and think about all the things you still have left to do.

Today I wrote an email that made me think about where I am.
I spend too much of my time thinking about where I'm going, worrying about things irrelevant to today.
So many moments have passed me, and yet all I can think about is tomorrow. Or how stupid I was to say this or do that. I dwell on messing up far too much. We all make mistakes. We are all broken. Sometimes everything goes wrong. It's okay. Spend too long worrying about it, life will go on without you, leaving you miserable with your thoughts.

This evening, I'm making a commitment to myself to live in the present. I want to be aware of what is happening to me right now - what I am feeling and thinking. I am going to look at situations the way they are, and, without ignoring all that has been or is to come, I will give my full attention to the here and now. I will rejoice and be glad in it for this is the day that the Lord has made.

I go round in circles a lot. I've tried to live in the now before. Every time I fail. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. Today is a new day. It has plenty of tomorrows that can wait. Today is where it matters. If I go to sleep forgetting, I can always wake up and remember. I plan to.