Disapointment.

For a glorious few days, I thought I was on top of life.
I thought I knew what was going on, and what I had to do.
I was excited for going back to school and ready to take on new challenges.
Yet again my world is made of sand. It just crumbles at the slightest touch. I am incapable of love because I cannot love myself. For the last week or longer, I have thought about (and resisted) self harm most hours. I think about ways to get out of here. I think that if I could just cut myself, it would make me feel better. It would take some of this feeling away, make it real. I want to run away from my life and everything about myself. I want the people that know me to distance themselves. I don't want them to hurt any more because of me. I have caused too much suffering already. It was not worth it. I'm left with the same life, the same width of opportunities, the same lack of courage and self worth to make anything of it. I wish for so many things. Above all I wish not to be me. Let someone else take my place. They would do it better. I'm not cut out to do anything more than survive and in surviving I'm just taking up space.