Why?

Yesterday there was a festival along the coast for Carmen, Virgin of the Sea. We went and looked around her church, it was very modern, pretty stained glass, lots of statues, the Lord's Prayer in every language you could think of on the walls, and bustling with people there an hour early for mass to get the good seats. But all I could think about was the homeless man outside. I wanted to go sit with him. I had no money, no way I could help, but I wanted to sit with him and share my time. I didn't because of parents, but also because I'm scared. When we went back to the church after the parade, following the bands and float, he was lying in the corner, asleep, despite all the noise and commotion around him. I cried a lot.

I haven't cared about other people for a long time. I think this is a step forward. I still despair at the world. I still have a soul.

This evening, I will swim.

Worn from walking this far
So worn from talking this much
And what we found and what we've seen
As the road curves down
And the lights come up to meet us
Silent for the evening
We enter this town like new born creatures
Those I know O see a new
And the space between us is reduced
For I am human
And you are human too

---------------------

I must be on the road again, no time to write.

However, I want to break away. My life is rituals. I cling to them. Enough. Move on. Break away. Be free. I just want to be me.

I'm no farther forward, just farther along.

It's pulling me down, and I am no closer to release.

City of Dreams

'give thanks with a grateful heart...'
I've never heard a less grateful congregation singing so solemnly.
I think I might have a problem with hymns. Or mainly the words. I think it is difficult to worship God with words in general and even harder to do en mass. We do not all have grateful hearts to lift up in praise. I was not the only one in that building who was there with a heavy heart and a foggy spirit, not singing of the glory, but crying in despair, desperate to reach out for the Lord but always finding myself further away.
When we sing, lots of the times I do not bother to read the words on the page, partly because I read them wrong and then feel silly singing "griddled with praise" instead of girded, and also just because I cannot be honest and open while singing about things I cannot even attempt.


"Lord, from the depths to thee I cried.


My voice, Lord, do thou hear:


Unto my supplication's voice


Give an attentive ear...



More than they that for morning watch,


My soul waits for the Lord."









I don't really know what I'm writing. I did not cry during the service. Only as I was leaving.
I cry for all the things I cannot say with words.
And then I cry in guilt for being so selfish.

I am now watching pigeons trying to get the seed that has fallen from the bird feeder. When we first got new windows and such, they used to get stuck all the time, we'd have to remove the glass to untrap them. Now it seems they've learned. One only looks from above, not dive down into the gap that's too small for you, then you can pick your best spot and attack from underneath while beating your wings furiously to work off the extra calories from the seeds. mental.

Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface. But sometimes, there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one. Like with pie.

Heather lacks enthusiams.

I'm not excited about anything.
I have a LOW boredom threshold.
Mentolist.
I want to be excited about studying. But I am not.
Nothing excites me.
BLARGH.
More chocolate please.
By chocolate I mean coffee.
I'm so easily sidetracked too.
It makes me hate me.
What should I do with my life.
I'd like to do an open degree at the open university. But also, they don't have lots of things I'd like to do. But they do have lots of things I would like. I can do early years stuff, and spanish, and psychology, and care. While still working part time and not getting bored. But also, I quite want to go to liverpool john muirs and do outdoor ed or early years education. boo. Why is How Clean is your House on repeats again :(
I shall have to just play sims.
I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD.
I want to change.
Fuck I'm bored.
I'm bored of me. I hate me. I'm just a bit of an arse.
Die.

Sometimes I feel life would be easier if I weren't so fabulous.

Here I am with everything and nothing at all, I feel so useless.
I have a wonderful life, wonderful friends, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, my possibilities are endless. So I feel guilty for not appreciating any of it, for feeling sad and empty, lonely and unloved, and wanting to die. I'm a selfish bitch. I want to abandon all the people who love me so I do not have to live in my already imaginary world and don't have to put up with my imaginary pain anymore. I don't get why I'm so ridiculous, it makes me really angry.

God behind, God beside, God ahead. God where?

I hate when counselors ask me why I didn't go ahead with my plans. I don't have an answer. I'm just so pathetic I can't do anything right. Why did I not walk out? Why did I not cut? Why did I not let myself die? I do not want to turn my back on the help that is being offered me, at the same time I can't see how it is being helpful.

I love you for who you are, not for who you want to be.

You can't grow a tree from a fallen leaf.

What is this whole Christianity thing? And Jesus and such? I'm not sure I believe.
I have no reason not to, and no reason to. It's all just a bit random and silly.

Why does my computer keep blacking out?

Unburdened by destinies shadow.
I do not want to go back to uni. I do not want to go and learn in a room. I do not want to sit exams. I want to be free. I want to learn about living. I want to be useful. Not just another student scrounging off the tax payer. I feel trapped. Inside my soul. But also outside my life. I make no sense, not even to me.

My head is throbbing.
I am looking too intently at a white screen and thinking nothing.
the end.

I'm a fucking useless piece of crap.
Sometimes I'm like, yeah life, and take on all these things and get excited about them, and then I am stuck in bed and forget about them.
And I'm totally just moaning.
WAY too much.
My life is wonderful.
Why do I pretend it's so crap.
Stupid Heather.
Stupid Stupid Stupid.