Jess gave me a present today.

It's a choir.
They're mine now. To do with as I want. As long as I maintain the aims and values.
I'd like to share them with you now.

Aims
To be a Christian-based Rock-Gospel Choir incorporating other performing arts.
To create a choir where people can build friendships, draw out hidden abilities and be accepted for who and what they are.
To develop this concept throughout institutions of higher education worldwide.
Values
Everyone in Revelation has an equal role to play, and is loved and accepted as such.
We believe that performances and concerts are a means to an end, not an end in themselves.
There are no prerequisites to joining Revelation.
Revelation is run by the group, for the group.
Freedom of choice is respected at all times.
We are all beautiful people loved and accepted by God and each other.

These simple words, the people they bring together, the safe space that it's provided for me, I cannot being to express what it all means and the terrifying thought that next year it's me who has to be in charge of making sure it offers that beacon of hope and opportunity to everyone else. Shortly after coming to uni I got very sick. I was utterly miserable and lived for my Tuesday evenings with Rev, I found myself somewhere I truly belonged, surrounded by people who made me keep fighting. They made me feel like I mattered right from the minute I walked through the door, and more than that, they made me laugh when things were very dark.

I feel like this is a huge task ahead of me, to be 'President' of Revelation, when I owe a lot of myself to this choir. I don't know where this year's going to take me, but you're going to see, I'm gonna be a stronger and a better me. I'm gonna make it because I said I would, and do all the things you said I never would.

She never was a fighter, 'til he lay down beside her, and gently whispered, "hope".

By way of an apology for my lack of words of my own, I offer to you a selection of the words of others, capable of saying it much more beautifully than I could.

Music to numb the pain.

I loved reading your responses to my last post.

Some of them broke my heart.

You are all so beautiful.

Take this as the sign you've been waiting for.

Go on. 

I won't tell you twice.

<3

If your life flashed before you, what would you wish you had done?

Only got 86,400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away.

Funny how when I start feeling better, I lack words.
I keep avoiding studying.
2 weeks.
What to do?
I'm home for the weekend.
Going for a picnic this afternoon with a couple of pals.
I'm taking soup.
36 days until I go to Morocco.
I need to loose this belly.
Last year I was so tiny. I hate myself for what a glutton I've become.
It's not a good look for me.
700 and under.
Keep making them believe I'm healthy.
I really can do it.

Next week is easter. I'm mainly excited as it means I'll be allowed to drink coffee again. There's also that bit where Jesus died for our sins, but that's a little far fetched.
My mind is very superficial at the moment. Not up for deep chat, or insightful observations. Just plain monotony.

If your life flashed before you, what would you wish you had done? <3

Free at last

I can breathe once again.

Trev has gone back to London for the last few days of his adventure. Nothing happened between us sadly.
I had a hilarious encounter with two of my exes when they came by to borrow some golf clubs. We were all just standing in the hall slightly awkwardly and I couldn't help just laughing at the whole situation.

Today has been a slow day. I made £23 from doing experiments and promptly spent it on lunch, hair dye and random items. I went to this wonderful, alternative vegan cafe for lunch. I've never felt cool enough to go in before so it was quite the adventure. Since I've gotten in I've just moped and ate cookies. I'm going to do a dance work out then pack my bag for going home.

Sorry for just rambling about my day, I'm aware it is completely boring, I just felt like sharing.

I love being able to breathe. I love my own space. I love feeling comfortable in my house. I love feeling free on my blog. I love that some people actually read this and don't judge me. Thanks. <3

Canadians

I'm bombing. I'm so useless at conversation. So inept in social situations.
A guy I met in Canada is staying with me for a couple so days, it's incredibly draining.
I just want to go home to my mum. Lame as hell.
Doesn't help that I'm sick and feeling sorry for myself.
I'm hoping he sleeps all morning so I don't have to face him for a while.
He's lovely. I kinda hoped something might happen between us, that we'd have a beautiful romance for a couple of days. Definitely not going to happen. I'm just so awkward.
And coughing everywhere.
Today we're going to go to the beach. It's sunny but COLD.
This weekend we had summer. It was beautiful.
All in all, not much studying has happened.
All I can think about is how huge that number on the scale was this morning.
How disgusting I've become.
I want to blame my medication but I know it's my own dam fault.
Nothing fits. I'm trying to hide in hoodies but even they aren't big enough.
I'm so sorry for moaning after you all have been so lovely.
I just need some time on my own.
I am an introvert. I need time to recharge.
Thursday.
Can't wait.
I'm going to be busy again. I can feel it.
I just want to chill.
I just want to hibernate. If I sleep for long enough maybe those extra pounds will loose themselves.
If only.
<3

Oh Loves.

Thank you for coming back here. I'm shocked, humbled, overwhelmed.
I have started organizing my revision, exams in four weeks.
I have applied for some summer jobs.
I am doing quite well.

Today I am wearing purple tights to match my plum nails and have dyed my hair chocolate brown.

Last week I was in Sweden with him and my choir. Stockholm is beautiful, the people just seem to get everything right. They're laid back but get everything done; environmentally friendly naturally, not with resentment. Seeing him all the time, that was tough. He called me a lion and an aubergine. Made fun of my frizzy hair, my lack of make-up, my miss matched clothes. I don't want him anymore. I don't need him. But I yearn for him. It's natural. Now I won't have to see him so much. School is done, choir is done, our paths need not cross anymore. I'm standing on my own two feet and loving it. I'm terrified, I'm falling, I'm alone, I'm me. Just me, lost in this maze of life, trying to figure out which way to turn, gaining confidence with every step. It's going to be alright.

Another snippet of my choir. Caitlin is singing the solo, she's wonderful.
and my flatmate is rapping. She's hilarious.

I flit, I fly, I never make it home.

I'm sorry I went away again.
I think I'm here to stay.
The sun is fighting its way through; the warmth not put off by the wind.

Summertime,
So close.
No time to mess it up.