Deadlines

I can't concentrate on essay writing.
I can't concentrate on anything real.
I can't stop thinking how easy it is just to get on with it and write an essay, how I need to get over myself and pull myself together.
But I can't.
I'm going to go home because I am doing too much crying which is just anti-social when in the library.
Need a plan though.
I think it will involve 30 minutes of TV, some tea, and then maybe another attempt at writing.
I'm at 580 words. I keep worrying I'm not answering the question. But in so few words I should stop thinking about that.
I just feel too sad to do anything.
I wish the endorphins worked better.

It's not an escape.

It's not a statement.
It's not a cry for help.
It's not trying to take control.
I just like it.
It means I don't have to think of words.
It's an obsession. Day and night.
All my thoughts wrapped up in it.
Trying to be subtle, yet wishing to be free.
Weeping when my eyes cannot.

Promise yourself another 24 hours.

Darkness Cove Me.

¹¹If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light around me become night,”

¹²even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is as bright as the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139

Dear World,

Dear world,
I'm sorry I thought I could take you on, I was wrong.
Please forgive me,
Heather

-------

I'm trying to read but I can't see the words. I can't concentrate, even with multi coloured highlighters.
I ate a pack of biscuits and I want tea.
I poured an entire cup of coffee over my desk and now my room smells bad.
30 pages is too many.
Things that have to be done this week:

1. Making dinner for boys
2. Reading and tutorial sheet for religion
3. Setting out a research plan and writing an introduction and emailing it to my tutor
4. Asking people to write references and mailing them
5. Go to class
6. Get a present for the parents
7. Get a present for the boy

Things that I should do:

1. Reading for this weeks lectures
2. Reading for last weeks lectures
3. Start writing essays
4. Go to the gym
5. Set up a facebook group for action group
6. Set up an action group meeting

It doesn't look like many things, but it will take many hours I do not have.
I constantly feel like I'm letting people down.
A month ago when CoSY sent us the mental health survey, I aced it. Today I got 63 when 54+ is severe.
The boy is scared. But what about me? I don't want to be scared because I don't want to give in to it.
I spend every spare minute thinking about suicide and si. Of course I'm scared.
new days keep dawning
yet still night's falling.
sometimes its hard to believe
I'm not meant to leave

Religion2A

I'm angry and upset.
I want to do something brash but I am sitting in class. I want to go home and cut but I've got plans for the day and I know that going home will be the worst decision to make.
I feel such a fake.
Am I trying to make myself sick?
I don't know who to believe or what to feel. I just feel so incapable to doing all the things I'm meant to do yet I want to do more. Tokenistic, lazy, boring,
I just hate life, but everything's going so well. Why do I feel so overloaded?
I wish I had no commitments. I hate this action group. It's too late to resign now, the by-elections have been. Why did I think I could do it? Andrew was right, he's always right, yet why am I still doing it?
I must try not to complain anymore. Keep it all inside. It's better for everyone. I'm starting to have friends. It's great. Why not just embrace it. Go out every night. Drink all the time. Who cares?
Every time I cross the road I hope a car will come tearing round the corner. Darkness.

Sweet dreams?

You have seen me tossing and turning through the night.

You have collected all my tears and preserved them in your bottle.

You have recorded every one in your book.

Psalm 56 v.8 (ish)

The music soft, 

the lights are low.

I want to sleep,

My mind says no.

I lay my head

on His great arm

I pray for sleep

I pray for calm.

Yet still alert

And still awake

My body weeps

My muscles ache

My mind won't rest

Won't let me sleep,

Please brain turn off

Stop counting sheep.