Collision - Marcia Furman

Head spinning, stomach churning.

I've been feeling more suicidal recently. Not actively, just in a 'what if...' kind of way.
But I don't think I can write a suicide note.
I know that isn't a very positive way of not killing myself, but hey, it's something.
I feel rather daft.
I am obsessing about meths for some reason.
It is also 1am and I have been awake for a long time. But I woke up because of all the cleaning fluid and now my hands are really sore and itchy and dry. I am also hungry. But I ate three whole meals today, and 2 cookies, and hot chocolate so I should not be.
I also keep playing farmville and my back hurts.
I would like to sleep.
I think I will watch a film and munch some frozen bread.

The world for once, in perfect harmony...

I feel like I've fucked up, really bad.
I feel so trapped and empty, yet overflowing.
I feel like I started running a race, but then the guy in front of me flung his water bottle over his head and it whacked me in the temple and knocked me out and now I'm on the pavement listening to all these people whisper around me but unable to reach out or open my eyes. I can't fit the sounds together into sentences , I don't know where I am or where I'm going.

Things are going okay.

I am still sad and lonely and empty.

Why?

Yesterday there was a festival along the coast for Carmen, Virgin of the Sea. We went and looked around her church, it was very modern, pretty stained glass, lots of statues, the Lord's Prayer in every language you could think of on the walls, and bustling with people there an hour early for mass to get the good seats. But all I could think about was the homeless man outside. I wanted to go sit with him. I had no money, no way I could help, but I wanted to sit with him and share my time. I didn't because of parents, but also because I'm scared. When we went back to the church after the parade, following the bands and float, he was lying in the corner, asleep, despite all the noise and commotion around him. I cried a lot.

I haven't cared about other people for a long time. I think this is a step forward. I still despair at the world. I still have a soul.

This evening, I will swim.

Worn from walking this far
So worn from talking this much
And what we found and what we've seen
As the road curves down
And the lights come up to meet us
Silent for the evening
We enter this town like new born creatures
Those I know O see a new
And the space between us is reduced
For I am human
And you are human too

---------------------

I must be on the road again, no time to write.

However, I want to break away. My life is rituals. I cling to them. Enough. Move on. Break away. Be free. I just want to be me.

I'm no farther forward, just farther along.

It's pulling me down, and I am no closer to release.