Heather lacks enthusiams.

I'm not excited about anything.
I have a LOW boredom threshold.
Mentolist.
I want to be excited about studying. But I am not.
Nothing excites me.
BLARGH.
More chocolate please.
By chocolate I mean coffee.
I'm so easily sidetracked too.
It makes me hate me.
What should I do with my life.
I'd like to do an open degree at the open university. But also, they don't have lots of things I'd like to do. But they do have lots of things I would like. I can do early years stuff, and spanish, and psychology, and care. While still working part time and not getting bored. But also, I quite want to go to liverpool john muirs and do outdoor ed or early years education. boo. Why is How Clean is your House on repeats again :(
I shall have to just play sims.
I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD.
I want to change.
Fuck I'm bored.
I'm bored of me. I hate me. I'm just a bit of an arse.
Die.

Sometimes I feel life would be easier if I weren't so fabulous.

Here I am with everything and nothing at all, I feel so useless.
I have a wonderful life, wonderful friends, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, my possibilities are endless. So I feel guilty for not appreciating any of it, for feeling sad and empty, lonely and unloved, and wanting to die. I'm a selfish bitch. I want to abandon all the people who love me so I do not have to live in my already imaginary world and don't have to put up with my imaginary pain anymore. I don't get why I'm so ridiculous, it makes me really angry.

God behind, God beside, God ahead. God where?

I hate when counselors ask me why I didn't go ahead with my plans. I don't have an answer. I'm just so pathetic I can't do anything right. Why did I not walk out? Why did I not cut? Why did I not let myself die? I do not want to turn my back on the help that is being offered me, at the same time I can't see how it is being helpful.

I love you for who you are, not for who you want to be.

You can't grow a tree from a fallen leaf.

What is this whole Christianity thing? And Jesus and such? I'm not sure I believe.
I have no reason not to, and no reason to. It's all just a bit random and silly.

Why does my computer keep blacking out?

Unburdened by destinies shadow.
I do not want to go back to uni. I do not want to go and learn in a room. I do not want to sit exams. I want to be free. I want to learn about living. I want to be useful. Not just another student scrounging off the tax payer. I feel trapped. Inside my soul. But also outside my life. I make no sense, not even to me.

My head is throbbing.
I am looking too intently at a white screen and thinking nothing.
the end.

I'm a fucking useless piece of crap.
Sometimes I'm like, yeah life, and take on all these things and get excited about them, and then I am stuck in bed and forget about them.
And I'm totally just moaning.
WAY too much.
My life is wonderful.
Why do I pretend it's so crap.
Stupid Heather.
Stupid Stupid Stupid.

home alone

I am unable to cry so I am screaming.
I no longer feel empty.
I feel like a bowl of baked beans that's been in the microwave too long.

abc.

a) I hate the world.
b) I want to die.
c) I have a pint of coffee and a bottle of baileys to get me through.

So I was thinking,

maybe I should do less of that.
The thoughts that are circling their way in a tuneless melody around my head are not useful so I thought I would try and get them away from my head to boil over somewhere else.
Fuck I want to die.
Stupid.
Time-waster.
Ugly.
Pathetic.
Useless.
Maniac.
Drama queen.
Get over yourself.
Self-centered.
I know no-one because I'm so wrapped up in me.
Crap friend.
Fuck-wit.
Reject.
Insecure.
Pointless.
Worthless.
Insignificant.
I do not know where God is in my life.
Embarrassed.
I have no answers.
Even when the questions are about me.
I do not want to be the expert on myself.
That is stupid.
Nicola hates me.
Facebook is silly.
But the former is still true.
Maybe I'll put a film on.
I need to pee.
God.
Who is this Jesus guy anyway.
Religion is stupid.
Do I feel spiritual?
Where's my bible.
I shall get it on the way back from peeing.
I am actually just having a wee convo with myself out loud here, I quite like it.
I'd like to learn to sign.
I'd like to be pals with Sarah, but it's too late at night to try now.
My hands are being awful.
Gid auld Des said "I would not know how to be human, how to think as a human being, how to walk as a human being how to talk or how to eat as a human being except by learning from other human beings." Therefore we are all shite and there should be a genocide of the human race because we are stuck in an endless cycle of ungrace.
Really it just disturbs me how full of ungrace my thoughts are.
I actually do not feel like I have the capacity to care.
I therefore believe that I serve no purpose in this monotonous life and hence should be culled.
If we cannot care what use are we?
Jesus' words are in green :)
It makes it look a lot better than when they put them in red.
That is colourist.
Bad heather.
You are a horrible person.
I do not like the way my name looks when I write or type it. That's why I tend to not use capitols. I feel it is slightly better this way.
Fuck I'm mental.
'My servants shall eat, but you shall be hungry.'
hmm. I'm hungry.
The WORD.
What's it all about.
Gonne someone tell me.
I'm stupid and ignorant.
I hate the world because it hated me first.
I think I want toast.
I think I should stop being an idiot.
I feel this is easier said than done.
How are you finding prayer?
Pah.
I'm useless.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

I am..

Angry?
Not so much.
Sad?
So-so.
Anxious?
No.
Tears?
None.
Hateful?
Not really.
Empty?
Completely.
Deflated?
Yes.
Hopeless?
That too.
Numb, worthless, nothing.