abc.

a) I hate the world.
b) I want to die.
c) I have a pint of coffee and a bottle of baileys to get me through.

So I was thinking,

maybe I should do less of that.
The thoughts that are circling their way in a tuneless melody around my head are not useful so I thought I would try and get them away from my head to boil over somewhere else.
Fuck I want to die.
Stupid.
Time-waster.
Ugly.
Pathetic.
Useless.
Maniac.
Drama queen.
Get over yourself.
Self-centered.
I know no-one because I'm so wrapped up in me.
Crap friend.
Fuck-wit.
Reject.
Insecure.
Pointless.
Worthless.
Insignificant.
I do not know where God is in my life.
Embarrassed.
I have no answers.
Even when the questions are about me.
I do not want to be the expert on myself.
That is stupid.
Nicola hates me.
Facebook is silly.
But the former is still true.
Maybe I'll put a film on.
I need to pee.
God.
Who is this Jesus guy anyway.
Religion is stupid.
Do I feel spiritual?
Where's my bible.
I shall get it on the way back from peeing.
I am actually just having a wee convo with myself out loud here, I quite like it.
I'd like to learn to sign.
I'd like to be pals with Sarah, but it's too late at night to try now.
My hands are being awful.
Gid auld Des said "I would not know how to be human, how to think as a human being, how to walk as a human being how to talk or how to eat as a human being except by learning from other human beings." Therefore we are all shite and there should be a genocide of the human race because we are stuck in an endless cycle of ungrace.
Really it just disturbs me how full of ungrace my thoughts are.
I actually do not feel like I have the capacity to care.
I therefore believe that I serve no purpose in this monotonous life and hence should be culled.
If we cannot care what use are we?
Jesus' words are in green :)
It makes it look a lot better than when they put them in red.
That is colourist.
Bad heather.
You are a horrible person.
I do not like the way my name looks when I write or type it. That's why I tend to not use capitols. I feel it is slightly better this way.
Fuck I'm mental.
'My servants shall eat, but you shall be hungry.'
hmm. I'm hungry.
The WORD.
What's it all about.
Gonne someone tell me.
I'm stupid and ignorant.
I hate the world because it hated me first.
I think I want toast.
I think I should stop being an idiot.
I feel this is easier said than done.
How are you finding prayer?
Pah.
I'm useless.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

I am..

Angry?
Not so much.
Sad?
So-so.
Anxious?
No.
Tears?
None.
Hateful?
Not really.
Empty?
Completely.
Deflated?
Yes.
Hopeless?
That too.
Numb, worthless, nothing.

si units

I want to raid the bin.
I threw out my razor blade this morning and now I feel like I need it.
I'm dreading summer.
And holidays with the parents.
Every time I eat it makes my stomach so sore.
And then I feel sick because I ate.
But I also feel hungry some times.
I feel I should be in control of me.
I do not want to wear other people out with looking after me.
I hate it. I just feel so stupid.
I feel stupid and pathetic most of the time.
I feel like a moapy spoiled child.

oh my gosh, I think someone just stole a child on hollyoaks, jealous.

But anyways.
I do not know what to do. If I let it out, I crush the people around me and feel like an idiot. I can't keep it in tho.
I want to be thin, I also want to be drunk. Getting drunk is easier than getting skinny but makes me want to die more.
pah.
I don't know why I'm writing, I have nothing to say.
I'm not even trying to justify my tears. Canne.
It's GA so I feel very alone. I don't want to be obsessive and needy, but I am.
I keep trying to break my phone as a reason to stay alone and make it harder for me to be so annoying.
Heather shut up.

Just Ponderings, It's been a while.

Inside I am screaming out for help but I forgot to build a doorway when I built my protective walls so instead I'm huddled up like a lost child, wanting love and protection but wary of any who come near. I am whimpering in the darkness of my soul and feel trapped by my perception of how one should act in the world. When I'm in church, I want to run to the front, kneel on the steps and cry out but instead, I cry silently in my pew, too scared of what other people would say and think. I long to be like my 2 year old self, running around, laughing, crying, just being however I wanted to be without caring about all the old people tutting and harassing my mother about my inappropriate behavior for church. But Jesus said, let the little children come to me. As children we are truly ourselves, in school we learn about social status and cliques and conform to try to make ourselves fit in, we then spend the rest of our lives trying to find ourselves. It all seems a bit silly.
Some days it feels like the entire human race hates each other.
Sometimes I wish we all just weren't.
Do blades of grass or humming birds have these kinds of problems?
Do sparrows feel guilty when they eat the seeds from the farmers field that they did not sow?
Are dandelions always wondering where there children have gone and scour the garden for when one will come back?
Why am I me?
How does a river feel when an animal dies in it?
Why do people who have the most feel like they are missing the most?
Am I lost?
I am lost. But did I wonder off the path? or did I join the wrong one? Did I take the path less traveled and find it too overgrown to navigate? Or am I just ill equipped? Left the house in the wrong shoes and have had to take a rest stop to let my blisters heal. How long have I been traveling astray? Was I ever even walking with Jesus, or did I just kid myself? Too young, too naive, too innocent, did I actually believe I had it sussed?
When I was 9, I decided Jesus was cool. He was the puppet master, we were asked if we were ready to hand our strings over to God. I had never been more sure of anything. But I still couldn't share this with anyone other than God. Sharing is the most important thing. Why is it so difficult? Why do we live in a world of such ungrace that we find it shocking and terrifying to talk to someone and share Jesus's love first off?
I just dinne get it.
I say that a lot. And it's true. I do not 'get' most things in life. All the good things seem too controversial and bad things seem unfathomable.
What would the world look like if our main identity in life was not student, banker, homeless, orphaned, working class, emo, ned, unpopular... but we could simply say 'I am the one Jesus loves'. What would we feel if we could truly believe this with all our hearts. I love Jesus, but I cannot believe that he still loves me. I just turn away from grace because it seems simply too good to be true. I am scared I guess. Scared it will all just be snatched away again. It's too scarey to be happy because being sad is so much worse. At least when you're sad everything levels. That's not even true. But it's something like that.
My migrane is starting to eat at me again so I think I better put the bright light away and get back to being curled up in a darken room.

I am angry.
I am scared.
I am exhausted.
I am lost.
I am stuck.
I am looking for answers.
I am at a dead end.
I am confused.
I am sad.
I am undeserving.
I am helpless.
I am on the phone.
This is better.

Hate.
Why is there so much of it?