I hate life

and I am crying because I can't find a template that reflects this.
I am also crap at actually getting round to doing the things I intend and want to which upsets me and makes me never do it.

Inside my head.

Fcuk
wank
blarg
die
kill
world
cry
Argh.
sad
freck
God
DNR
dust
pathetic
swat
lost
upset
wine
hair
change
vomit
stress
window
peppers
facebook
consequence
deadline
failure
essay
crap
words
fuckers
sims
telle
fantasy
leave
blood
chocolate

Help needed.

This weekend, I went away with CHV. The people were lovely, the program was perfect, the concept was something I am into, the weekend was a nightmare.
I have completely lost the ability to connect with people.
Somewhere inside I want to socialise and be me, but it won't come out. 
I don't know how to deal with living.

Who knows the laws of silence.

Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted.


I'm drowning in the darkness.
Tired of treading water.
It's so much effort just to keep on breathing.
I feel so alone because I don't think anyone gets how hard it is.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm

really sad and have mental friends.

Why is my life so cold and sad again?

I would like a yellow coat. It might make me happier. It is from Next. If you are felling rich you should buy me it.
I only have one drug left.
I have an appointment in 5 days.
I have not taken my drugs for that many days before, but I feel silly not eating them then visiting doctoret.
Options: a) Go at 9am tomorrow b) Get over it